What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?


Part of me wants to take a medical leave ofabsence and part of me thinks this would devastate my client. Soon I will have to see my Dr. I have an appointment. I will let her decide.


Tough love... I have never been very good at it because I am a big old softie when it comes to love and affection.
My rule of thumb is that if it would hurt either of us? It’s not love.

Defining “hurt” for a moment... because love often hurts, but so does exercise, and that’s not the kind of hurt I’m talking about!

- If anything I did would come along with resentment attached if conditions aren’t met? That’s not something I’m doing out of love. That’s something I’m doing for a desired outcome. ((Like they didn’t pay me back, or they didn’t write a thank you note, or they didn’t have an awesome attitude, or got drunk/suicidal/went back to the abusive ex after I bent over backwards to... et cetera)). Just because the only reason I may want that outcome is because I love them? Doesn’t change that I’m doing it because I want to make something happen. I’m considering it because I love them. But I’m doing it for the outcome.

- It doesn’t keep a bird safe to clip it’s wings and lock it in a cage. It keeps a bird where I can SEE it. That comforts me, not protects them. If I really want to keep something or someone safe? I have to put aside my own comfort levels, and teach them to protect themselves, trust them to recover/learn from their mistakes, and to be stronger for them. That doesn’t mean to throw the bird out into the rain and lock the door behind them, either. I’ve done that... if I can’t stand to watch them do what they’re doing. But, again, that’s about me. Not them.

Rani G2

So your house needs to be clean, you should eat healthy, you should do your paper work/Taxes/ insurance/bank. You need to go shopping, you need things... 🥵

How do people with kids or people who take care of others do this?

I‘m not a messy person, but my papers are in the drawyers of Horror.. I hardly take a look in there.. paper work is scary as f***. When you have kids (I don’t and don’t intend to) You can’t have any excuses.. I wonder how these people survive?


I can't stop thinking about an upcoming job interview. I think I'd do great at it but over thinking is making it hard to stay positive. But I guess if they weren't interested in hiring me thy wouldn't have called me the day after I put my app in. I would be working at a company building modular homes. Not super exighting but good pay and a I'd be working with my hands. I guess If I didn't like it I wouldn't be to heart broken because it's not exactly what I want. I just need to get back out there and build my self esteem back up.


I was thinking I realize I am devastated and fearful when accused, blamed, stonewalled, or others are angry at me. Likely I carry my own self-blame from the past, and just the overall realization the moment was horrific, unbelievable, unimaginable within the context and side-details, un-processable in real time. And I froze. And how I feel now is compounded by 3 anniversary dates of deaths. Which, though past, mostly only people here would understand.

And (but) I feel all that while having the trepidation of a relative's upcoming medical test next week; another one who's having back fractures; a friend's brother who's headed out for a transplant; and my own overwhelm, fear and exhaustion. But gratitude for support, and desire simply for peace and joy and peace and 'building' joy and emphasizing building 'life'. I wish people wouldn't spread grief. I wish I was not the type I am. Idk the words. I feel no way to react. And those conditions bring up a lot of SI for me.

Yet, despite the negative others and grief it causes, I am aware and thankful of kindnesses and good things for others, and for myself, of which I am thankful. I wish I didn't feel as I did, and felt so horrified and afraid. But I will also be thankful for all those who help versus, well, actually, harm, is how it feels, yet I am blamed for same.
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