What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking of how a couple of days ago I asked a relative if she'd mind evening-out my bangs (a great hairdresser taught her that years ago), we can't go to hairdressers here. Said 3 times only the bangs, as II give hair for kids' wigs, takes at least 14 months to grow. Sweep, swoop-she cut off the back. I said Thanks so much (~genuinely as one can be when nothing is respected, of course). (?) 😕 Said well maybe it was too fuzzy anyway, she said no it wasn't at all. 😕 (??) Ultimately sorry I didn't just chop my own as usual.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
right this second I am here to try to get my mind off my stomache- I ate a home-made pickle that was waaaaay too salty, no one else swallowed, I am sooo sorry I did now. Trying to be nice, now trying to contain my innards. Like a pup that drank saltwater at the beach for the first time.......it will pass........
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thinking of hearing talk of blame that passes, and to have hope. But I don't have blame, it just feels abandoned in my greatest need, which is just -reality, is that the word? I don't think that has to do with forgiveness, there is no acknowledgement of it, just hearing words that don't match, that aren't really directed to or applicable to me anyway, not the positive ones. To me, that also just signifies one choosing it to be over, and the other (I) agree based on their choice and choose the same based on it. It's over anyway when abandoned in my mind, and yes, I believe adults can be, or there would never be concepts of turning toward, care, or honesty, or acknowledging one another's greatest needs or priorities. I asked for that consideration, it would have helped. I don't usually ask. But received turning away or turning against. Not just currently but in times of greatest loss and also sometimes in times of greatest fear and danger. That is what I think, or feel. And I am very tired. I feel relieved to see/ experience the truth. I know there were times that weren't, but they were the past. Someone said to me, 'they don't care and never did'. I guess they were right.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think it chills me to the bone that they have no explanation of why the Pope cannot apologize with the finding of the likely and numerous child graves, and the Residential School tragedy. I think they are absolutely clueless, as they have failed to see that anyone and everyone else sees the silence as dismissive, avoidant and not caring, turning away. It should clue them in that everyone else has said something. I think they think cooler heads will prevail, and they're going to see nothing but increases in arson and vandalism, and a lot of people turning away and shaking their heads that they don't get it. JMHO however. Am shaking my own head. There is no expression of atonement or the kind of sorrow that anyone feels, and it's left to individuals to try to do it. Really disappointing. really makes me question the whole thing. I was disappointed on a micro level but now on a macro one too. Disheartening.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Glad I've got a huge garbage can and recycling can ready to go, and 2 bags of clothes to give away. If I'm not using it now, I threw it out. Including old momentos. Left photos as other wants them, Its a start and a lot more to go. Enough for today.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Felt badly for the Pope, bet he ends up with an ostomy bag.

It was triggering to be shamed back to 14, and 23, times they picked specifically. Funny how those you'd expect to have your back stick a knife in it.

Thinking how decisions would be easier, if I didn't know about awaiting test results, if I didn't care how I left, if I wasn't aware of how short others lives can be, if I knew the future, if I didn't hold myself to a higher standard of love, if I didn't concern myself with other's futures, if I didn't concern myself with other's needs. Though of course, that makes me a fool.

But in another regard, I don't have to be told or shown to leave twice. Take quite a lot with me when I go, because I gave a lot.
 
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