Was thinking too/ said prayers for a woman I know getting MAID Wednesday. Been delayed since the fall because she's not palliative. Husband who I had to deal with SA for 5 years said , "She's getting put down Wednesday" when I asked, and one kid coming one watching livestream.. Used to feel sorry for her now I think she's lucky to get away. People are as*holes. They don't care at all, all lies.
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What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?
- Post starter bobeara
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Well I woke up thinking, I am normally the one who always apologizes, to everyone. And it is right and necessary to own my part. And I did wrong to ask for an explanation for what is someone else's decision. Nor are they required to explain why they did what they did. Perhaps or likely to get rid of my presence temporarily; I will assume permanently if that is their desire. But it is still their total right to make and want that choice. I thought they were a friend, I assumed they thought the same. But it is never good to assume.
Fwiw, normally I would feel better hearing what they had to say, but this time I can't even remember a word. Except for something about~ birthdays celebrate our existence. Which, goes without saying how that leaves me feeling. I only recall the words not fitting with their choice, which is perhaps why they wished I wasn't present? Needless to say, that is no longer a person or place of safety for me, so my choice is made for me because that is fundamental. Or the absence of it needs to be avoided. And maybe that's what they hoped, and maybe that is the only option I have I can live with, too, can't imagine otherwise. Sometimes choosing emotional safety trumps. I've tried to provide that for others too but I guess I'm not good at it either. I guess it was just wishful thinking to think it was healing, but it was based on believing words were true/ honest. I can't afford to trust future disclosure under those circumstances, so on my part I simply have to accept I don't have that help or safety or support I thought I did, and make sure no matter how bad or what happens I don't ever reach out again. Which is probably definitely what they were driving at anyway.
Am 1/2 hr behind, which could be worse. Hope work leaves me alone for extra calls today, I feel sick to my stomach and worn out and tired of all of it.
Fwiw, normally I would feel better hearing what they had to say, but this time I can't even remember a word. Except for something about~ birthdays celebrate our existence. Which, goes without saying how that leaves me feeling. I only recall the words not fitting with their choice, which is perhaps why they wished I wasn't present? Needless to say, that is no longer a person or place of safety for me, so my choice is made for me because that is fundamental. Or the absence of it needs to be avoided. And maybe that's what they hoped, and maybe that is the only option I have I can live with, too, can't imagine otherwise. Sometimes choosing emotional safety trumps. I've tried to provide that for others too but I guess I'm not good at it either. I guess it was just wishful thinking to think it was healing, but it was based on believing words were true/ honest. I can't afford to trust future disclosure under those circumstances, so on my part I simply have to accept I don't have that help or safety or support I thought I did, and make sure no matter how bad or what happens I don't ever reach out again. Which is probably definitely what they were driving at anyway.
Am 1/2 hr behind, which could be worse. Hope work leaves me alone for extra calls today, I feel sick to my stomach and worn out and tired of all of it.
@Aprilshowers I didnt want to derail Ecdysis' thread, but just wondering if I might ask you a question at some point here (if I get the nerve lol)? I would appreciate your feedback.
Thank you!
Thank you!
@Aprilshowers it's ok, I was thinking, belief is more about intellect, or the head, whereas faith is more from the heart (I think). And I intellectualize too much already lol. But thank you!
Lionheart
Not Active
I am thinking of my upcoming surgery on Tuesday and finding my way to the surgery waiting room (where I check in/register for my surgery). I hate not knowing exactly where I am going even tho I can go to the information desk and ask someone, it bothers me not to know. I keep trying to imagine where it is at. I guess it is an over-developed defense mechanism to want to control the future so one does not suffer public humiliation. When I was young my dad would get drunk and humiliate me in public. I developed a social phobia and tho I have done quite well, most of the time, I still tend to overthink and worry.
Hope all has gone well @Lionheart , by the time you see this. Many many hugs to you. 
OMG, I guess I'd better get started since I'm up anyway. I do like the mornings and the peacefulness and the birds. Since 4 a.m. More fun though when you don't fall asleep until 2.
Which reminds me, the other day I was pruning a bush and a little bird sat on the eave near me tweeting away. I said hi, it flew away, came back and did the same thing. Then I could hear (but could not see) without a doubt a nest in the bush, lots of tweeting. So I said don't worry and carried on and left. But I thought I feel kind of like the bird, sometimes I tweet but it isn't much useful or intimidating (not the exact word, more like futility) as a defense.. Kind of useless. At least coming from that little bird, it wasn't an aggressive type, that's for sure. Mind you, he/ she was cute loll.
I would put that in the smile thread if the poor bird hadn't been so afraid.
OMG, I guess I'd better get started since I'm up anyway. I do like the mornings and the peacefulness and the birds. Since 4 a.m. More fun though when you don't fall asleep until 2.
Which reminds me, the other day I was pruning a bush and a little bird sat on the eave near me tweeting away. I said hi, it flew away, came back and did the same thing. Then I could hear (but could not see) without a doubt a nest in the bush, lots of tweeting. So I said don't worry and carried on and left. But I thought I feel kind of like the bird, sometimes I tweet but it isn't much useful or intimidating (not the exact word, more like futility) as a defense.. Kind of useless. At least coming from that little bird, it wasn't an aggressive type, that's for sure. Mind you, he/ she was cute loll.
I would put that in the smile thread if the poor bird hadn't been so afraid.
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Freddyt
VIP Member
Therapy today and its stressful. I know what my old T would do on days like today......but new T.....no idea.....
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