What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

[Tinyflame]

I realize I mistrusted this choice of Pope. Mistrust, not dislike. Now I've learned enough to feel the opposite. I remember I rarely have ever regretted my thoughts of someone's nature, once my heart and head together decides. My head alone is more mistrusting, though I do realize that. And sometimes I change my mind without trying, in either direction. Refinement, I guess. As well as acknowledging where I was wrong. But although I would never consider myself a good judge of character, and it feels 'funny' or egotistical to say that, I actually have been throughout many years of my life.

 

[Friday]

Art

 

[Abstract]

I have realised I feel profoundly viscerally ashamed that I am traumatised by events in my life. That I wasn't more or am not more resilient. That self voice is abusive. Largely maybe the negative parent voice and resultant self abuse that we continue. Maybe also a little perfectionism and I am trying to tell myself I am my own level of resilient. I don't have to be the most resilient person in the world to still be resilient. Other peoples awful experiences are a seperate entity to my life events. And there are exacerbating factors. Maybe if I reduce the awful shame I can better deal with the reality. At least I at last accepted I am traumatised. Odd looking back. But I see the same battle with the latter matter on here a lot.

 

[Dave Ryan]

I have realised I feel profoundly viscerally ashamed that I am traumatised by events in my life. That I wasn't more or am not more resilient. That self voice is abusive. Largely maybe the negative parent voice and resultant self abuse that we continue. Maybe also a little perfectionism and I am trying to tell myself I am my own level of resilient. I don't have to be the most resilient person in the world to still be resilient. Other peoples awful experiences are a seperate entity to my life events. And there are exacerbating factors. Maybe if I reduce the awful shame I can better deal with the reality. At least I at last accepted I am traumatised. Odd looking back. But I see the same battle with the latter matter on here a lot.

It's hard, isn't it? Even though I try to tell myself I did the best I could in an awful situation, that little voice is always there to tell me I should have done more.

 

[Abstract]

It's hard, isn't it? Even though I try to tell myself I did the best I could in an awful situation, that little voice is always there to tell me I should have done more.

Sorry you experience that too. It's so unhelpful, isn't it? You absolutely have a right to just be and speak your truth and you and others treat you kindly in response. You did the best you could. Wish I could feel that for myself.

It is impacting trusting my therapist won't react in the same way as its in my head which adds to my caution telling her horrible stuff; feeling guilty that she is going to hear it. Not want to sully her life with my stuff. And, of course, avoiding speaking about because I don't want to. But the shame is definitely coming to the party.

 

[zaniara]

How on earth a father could r*pe his 3-4 year old daughter and then refuse to take her to hospital, despite her being really close to dying. And what a relief it will be when he finally ends his days on this earth, and that I don't know right now at just this moment how to stand the fact that he still exists and walk and talk and is allowed to live in freedom. (Having a bad day..) And how I've realized having adhd (too) make me so extremely impatient with my own feelings; and that I right now really want to "just get rid of them" and this bad, bad, bad memory. How I'm really angry and very sad and frustrated and hate feeling all this. Due to him. *swear words*

 

[zaniara]

If I did teletherapy, I could get such a screaming deal by working with a private therapist from the UK. £35 per session, instead of the equivalent £200 per session stateside??? I’d be on that, like white on rice… if I wanted to have video of me, online, forever.

C’est la vie.

burner phone? VPN? Isn't it possible to somehow make this in a safe way?

 

[Dave Ryan]

It is impacting trusting my therapist won't react in the same way as its in my head which adds to my caution telling her horrible stuff; feeling guilty that she is going to hear it. Not want to sully her life with my stuff. And, of course, avoiding speaking about because I don't want to. But the shame is definitely coming to the party.

I think it's one of the reasons I've held back from therapy. For years I kept it to myself, then recently I've opened up on some internet forums, but being in the same room as another person and having to make eye contact with them while telling them all this stuff is a barrier I've yet to cross.

I think it goes back to the experiences I endured in my teens - as a normal teenage boy, I hated being forced to wear women's corsetry, and the small number of people who knew I had on a panty girdle loved to make eye contact with me as they gloated at my humiliation and taunted me with advertising slogans. ("Is your girdle killing you?", "Can you believe it's a girdle?" etc.) And that's before we get to that one time I was raped by one of them.

In my messed up mind, eye contact has come to be associated with humiliation. If I ever did see a therapist, I think I'd have to face the wall to avoid looking at them.

 

[zaniara]

If I ever did see a therapist, I think I'd have to face the wall to avoid looking at them.

I relate so much. But daring to trust a good one is really life changing (it took one year for me to believe he wasnt a psychopath.. ) = EMDR was helpful becuse then I didn't have to look at him and also not talk about everything=
(if I didn't cope with it).

 

[Susan Jane]

I think it's one of the reasons I've held back from therapy. For years I kept it to myself, then recently I've opened up on some internet forums, but being in the same room as another person and having to make eye contact with them while telling them all this stuff is a barrier I've yet to cross.

I think it goes back to the experiences I endured in my teens - as a normal teenage boy, I hated being forced to wear women's corsetry, and the small number of people who knew I had on a panty girdle loved to make eye contact with me as they gloated at my humiliation and taunted me with advertising slogans. ("Is your girdle killing you?", "Can you believe it's a girdle?" etc.) And that's before we get to that one time I was raped by one of them.

In my messed up mind, eye contact has come to be associated with humiliation. If I ever did see a therapist, I think I'd have to face the wall to avoid looking at them.

I get it, things that happened in my life, well some of them I cannot tell people, my therapist although I trust him is Catholic and has very strong feelings about things …. I think I may have to open up, practice. Needless to say not everything has to be confessed so to say. Or?

 

[Susan Jane]

I have realised I feel profoundly viscerally ashamed that I am traumatised by events in my life. That I wasn't more or am not more resilient. That self voice is abusive. Largely maybe the negative parent voice and resultant self abuse that we continue. Maybe also a little perfectionism and I am trying to tell myself I am my own level of resilient. I don't have to be the most resilient person in the world to still be resilient. Other peoples awful experiences are a seperate entity to my life events. And there are exacerbating factors. Maybe if I reduce the awful shame I can better deal with the reality. At least I at last accepted I am traumatised. Odd looking back. But I see the same battle with the latter matter on here a lot.

I understand, it comes up for me when I am in a bad patch. I refused to believe I was traumatized/anxious/depressed from my childhood. I guess that was also due to my parents never acknowledging what really happened. It made it surreal and I questioned myself. My inner critic hounded me to be stronger until I broke. I held on until my son turned 20 and then I had my worst breakdown. After 10 months in and out of 4 clinics and enough EST to make me lose most of my short term memory, I found a counselor who helped me understand I was deeply traumatized. It still took me 3 more years to really accept I wasn’t crazy but traumatized. This website brought it all home and although it makes my way back lighter it still lingers. Stressor send me back into emotional flashbacks and I realize my spirals are being dealt with not by me, a strong and resilient woman, but a scared little girl who is overwhelmed. This realization gives me so much hope. I am not going to put that shame on me anymore. I was a small child. I try and give her love and am also learning to love my worst critic, my mind…which is very challenging, because it is me.

 

[parrotthepolly]

Nothing, well almost nothing but it's better that way ... for now, can't stay like this forever ...