What Is The Right Response To A Compliment?

[Britt.f7]

Thank you. But you have that part down. It is accepting it on the inside that you are fighting with. Unfortunately, that seems one we are almost all fighting with. Acceptance. I try to tell myself the person isn't lying, and for me to put down what he/she said and to argue with it is bad manners on my part. Even if I am just doing it in my head. It is being disrespectful. This is what I tell myself. I am honest in my compliments. How do I feel if they put me down or what I am saying/feeling? I work with myself to accept what they are telling me as their truth. That they have a right to believe it. That, maybe, just maybe they are right.

Someday, after time, you just might trust in it. You might believe it.

 

[Abstract]

you have that part down. It is accepting it on the inside that you are fighting with

Exactly. Thats what I am hearing Eleanor. You do do what is required already and lump the rest but have realised there is something "off" with your inside responses.

I know for me it is many things. My distorted sense of myself being confronted which is destabilising. Old tapes of criticism which it seems compliments trigger. Some sort of severe self destructive response that wants to obliterate anything good for me - probably an introjected state again and can be physically dangerous for me. A raising of defences as accepting internally means letting people in hence vulnerability. There can even be control issues involved in that. Oh, and instinctive distrust of peoples motives. Just because I have recently looked at it but Pete Walkers inner and outer critic comes to mind.

Good realisations/work! :tup: Lets see how you respond to that!

 

[Eleanor]

b) there really was a problem when I was growing up, which fights with my negative critic/self image... meaning that I have to either deflect the comment (which is easier) or internalize/believe it, which hurts. Therefore, something simple like accepting a compliment hurts.

Very helpful! Exactly, when I hang out with it it hurts, specifically I feel angry. Not at the compliment giver, just... angry. Weird.

I am separating the issue of the feeling response and the inner critic. On the advice of my T, and in recognition of the extraordinary efforts that my inner critic has put forth over the years I am sending it on an extended (permanent) vacation (perhaps retirement) to Phuket, Thailand, where the weather is beautiful and one can lounge on the beach all day and there are no phones. I am sure there is lots of room if any of you would like to send your critics along too. Then they can bitch to each other while drinking drinks with little umbrellas and just enjoy the heck out of themselves without us. :D

She said much what you guys have been saying, and suggests I create a conscious statement that "I receive genuine and deserved compliments with gratitude and appreciation." Notice, not anger. :confused::bag: Guess she gets to earn her money again this week...

So now when I hear the critic I shall say to myself in a surprised voice: "What in the world are you doing here? I really think you need to get back to the beach." Silly, but worth doing the experiment. It is a gentle pattern interrupt. And I do have a pattern.:whistling:

Oh here comes the critic. Bon Voyage!:photogenic:

 

[DMerish]

Awesome idea! :) Love it! Love it! :rolleyes: Checking out flights now :roflmao:

 

[bell]

Yes! Way to go, @Eleanor!!

The cool thing about this is that if you stick with it, and work through the hurt, you may just start to believe it. (Scary, huh? But so cool!) And then that means that: a) you're getting better and b) the critic is getting smaller! Yay!