What Is This? Please Help Me Understand

[Dootsbec]

Not sure if this is panic attack related/ flashback related or what. I have no idea what is happening. A little background: I've been making excellent progress in therapy. My life in general is going really well. Had a breakthrough recently where I really felt for that little abused girl that I was and let go of feeling "at fault." Then, last night I woke up in a terror, a memory came back to me--something that made me realize how vulnerable I really was--and how I felt at the time. A Phrase has been repeating over and over in my mind as I try to stifle the anger and tears (anger is surprising me--I usually can't access this feeling) as it wells up the phrase is; "I wasn't ready." I wasn't ready. I'm at work and I can't stop thinking it over and over. I'm aware of where I am, and what I'm doing. But I feel like a child. I feel like a 9 year old who lost innocence and childhood too early. I WASNT READY. it happened in my sleep. What is this? I feel little and 9 years old. How am I able to work today? I have no idea. It's like I have the intellect of an adult but emotionally I'm a hurt child. What is happening to me?

 

[Friday]

I was really fighting hard not to lose my emotions this fall... Had a flashback style dream while sleeping, and woke up cold as ice. This is an emotion free zone. Exactly like I felt back in the dream. Well. Okay then. I guess we're dealing with this, now.

Not the first time my dreams have set my headspace upon waking, but if I could have been angry about it, I would have. Not the first, probably not the last, but definitely one of the strongest gear shifts.

 

[WillyKat]

First of all, I'm sorry you're distressed about this. That said, I believe you're doing just fine. This isn't so out of the ordinary as far as PTSD goes. And it's a healing thing.

I've had similar experiences, where my adult self can understand things in an academic sense but my young self just feels the raw emotions. I believe what's going on is that you're strong enough now to allow that young part of you have feelings. That is a huge positive step, though I realize it can be very distressing. You're realizing just how difficult it was to experience what you did.

I have two pieces of advice:

• First, breathe and breathe deeply. We often get distressed, then our breathing becomes shallow, which makes things worse. So take 10 deep breaths, as deep as you can. Then take ten more. Then go outside or into a safe place of some kind and name ten things. They can be anything, flowers tress, a bee, your computer, your shoes, or some favorite belongings. Then remind yourself when you are: May xx 2015. And keep breathing.
• Collect your thoughts like you have in your post and discuss them in therapy.

The idea that you weren't ready is absolutely the truth. You were overwhelmed by the trauma. We all were, and none of us were ready. You can't be ready; its not possible. Realizing this means you understand you were traumatized. The more you discuss this in therapy or here on the forum, the more your brain can process. Over time, that processing will lessen the distress you feel.

So all told, this is a good sign. There will be moments like this when the healing process feels like the world is coming undone. It's important to realize that this pain you're feeling is part of healing.

And welcome to the forum!

 

[KwanYingirl]

I also feel frantic whenever an emotional state from childhood comes a-knockin'. It can be very destabilizing. Chances are pretty good that you've spent many years with those feeling states repressed so that you could go on with your life. When we're vulnerable and are reminded of how terrifying the past was, well, you know it sucks.

My therapist gave me the analogy of a pendulum swinging way too far in both directions-that when triggered my emotional responses are way beyond what would be considered a normal response to situations.

Therapy for me has included body work like yoga and Reiki that is all

 

[Dootsbec]

@WillyKat I have read your response over and over today. Thank you. It has given me great comfort every time I feel little and vulnerable today. I think the emotions are bubbling their way to the surface and I'm waiting for the right time (alone) that I can finally express them. I felt the pain as a child and promptly pushed them away. I'm amazed at how much that child in me is still there, still alive and angry with me for pushing her away. You're so right. I didn't even realize it, but I must be strong enough now to accept that hurt little girls' feelings. I hope this all makes sense. It's hard for me to really explain.

 

[WillyKat]

Makes perfect sense to me.

I think that meltdowns, breakdowns, and freakouts are highly undervalued. They feel like hell but they often lead to much better things. It's like entering a black hole and emerging in a much better galaxy.

 

[hodge]

I had a similar experience not long after I was diagnosed, about nine years ago. I went to the nearby college library after my therapy appt. to do a little research for work. As soon as I got in the building, I felt like a little girl again. I think I was even walking like a little girl, that's what it felt like. I was almost totally panicky, but I knew I had to get this research done for work the next day. They had been doing construction, remodeling the library and its entryways, and I had to walk up open stairs, which really freak me out anyway, and then a bridge walkway to the entrance, which also freaked me out. Then I got up to the floor where the book was and I was facing a wall of window looking out . . . talk about vertigo on top on all that. Somehow, through sheer will, I guess, I managed to get the book, go down to the lobby, write down everything I needed and then get out. Which wasn't so easy, however. Because of all the remodeling, I got lost. I felt like I was walking like a toddler, finally went out a door to the outside and must have walked around for 15-20 minutes in the dark before I found my car. I still have nightmares about it. I don't know how I managed to drive 30 miles home, but I did. And then stopped for a bottle of wine when I was in my town to take home!! Sorry this was so long, but I really related to what you wrote in a very literal way.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I just noticed only part of my post posted.

 

[Chava]

I often feel like a little kid...worse when I'm out of the nice structure of my work role, and worse in therapy. Like others have said, it can be good to recognize where you are "stuck". For me these are pretty specific ages, body sensations and feelings. Body memories, emotional flashbacks, sometimes images but the younger stuff is body sensations and emotions, so harder to recognize that I'm actually in a sort of memory/flashback. I just feel like hell or very trapped and I'm not. It's very confusing.

If you can recognize roughly what is happening and find a safe way to let that part of you express survival needs or feel safe, that seems really good.