I'm angry and frustrated that I have had PTSD my whole life. I am 67 years old, and while I am at the management stage of this killer of souls, the toll it has taken on my body is so disheartening.. I'm angry that I didn't have the tools so many of you have now. It would have gone so much faster and possibly some of the constant stress on my body wouldn't have been so bad...
I'm angry I had no one to encourage me to get an education, so I wouldn't have had to work so damned hard to put food on the table for a son who I have no relationship with now... It didn't occur to me to try for an education.. it just never entered my mind. I could have done it, had the thought ever drifted thru my chaotic mind.
For as many things ,that I gutted it out, pushed thru, and made the best of , I was always alone..No one understood that my brain did not work like theirs... I'm angry that I had to learn how to wear so many masks to get thru... all the while, loosing more and more of myself thru just trying to hang on.
This does not feel like self pity. I hate that feeling.. but it is sadness and anger at a life that could have been so very different. I am so weary of being in physical pain all the damned time. Never a break. Even with all the stupid meditations, and relaxing methods I have learned thru the years, and meds to get me thru, my brain is so hard wired to be tense, I don't even notice it, never did, still don't, until I am in so much pain that it makes me isolate further than is healthy.
Just for today, I am angry at all the selfish sick people who could have cared less about a little girl that just needed some damned attention. That was simply curious about life, and was always reminded what a burden I was...
Just for today, I am giving myself permission to just be angry and hurt. Then I will suck it up and continue on. This is not how I pictured my retirement days. I have been an 'adult' most of my life. Thank God I have Little Ladee that just breaks out and does things she never got to do ,or says things that would have gotten her slapped in the mouth for...
Still lots of gratitude and much much healthier than I was, but I do get to be angry that it was so damned hard.. and still is,, because of so many missed opportunities, and being diagnosed in a time that PTSD was for military only and so little information for the rest of us..
It could have been different. but it wasn't. And I get to be angry and sad about that, just for today.. There is nothing about me that is a quitter or a whiner, so, a day, or a few hours, to feel the damned injustice of it all, then onward... I need a serious vacation.
