Hey Rez, I hope you don't mind me calling you that.
I have not been on here offering much advice of late, been feeling a bit numb myself, but I hope I shed some light on what you have been saying.
I actually had this conversation with my therapist. He has been working with veterans with PTSD for 10 years.
You are having emotions. You just don't know how to display them anymore. You still feel it, and it hurts but you have no outlet. Why, well the military taught you not to. Every emotion except anger was taboo unless you were allowed. For instance, if you were laughing and joking, it was usually with your squad or people of equal rank, and not while you were in the eye of senior ranks.
If a mate went down seriously hurt, or was blown into vapor, you were not allowed to mourn. It was taboo.
Anger though you were allowed, obstacle courses, bayonet fighting or any hand to hand, all involved aggression.
It's not the thrill of battle you want, it's an emotion you are allowed to feel, an outlet.
Have you noticed that you can laugh your ass off at a joke but 5 minutes later your Mr Serious. I bet you can't remember a day out of uniform where you laughed at nearly everything all day.
I still have not grieved for my father, and he died four years ago.
Some people have the opposite and cannot stop their emotions. They will cry for days for no reason or laugh when they are not meant to.
There is a solution mate..
The first thing you need to do is to talk to your wife. Tell her that you are hurting, but it's on the inside and you don't know how to feel. Explain it to her. I was told I was an emotionless monster.
The next thing takes practice and time. Every time you feel an emotion coming on, you have to go with the flow. My therapist said it's best to do it when you are in a comfortable surrounding, like with your partner.
You have to tell yourself that it's ok to feel these emotions.
By all means buy a punching bag and knock the shit out of it, but it won't cure the rest.
Jimmy
