What The &$&$$@$@ Am I Doing On This Mortal Coil

[nomedic1]

Why, what use do I have , I drive people away, I watch them die, I belong in hell. There is no real reason for me being here why did the guy not aim better.

Why didn't the $@&@$@ Taliban not get me, why didn't the $@&@ Israeli's shoot down my $@$@! plane.

Nothing, absolutely nothing changes.

 

[EverOnly358]

Oh nomedic1,

I am so sorry you're down here in the pit of despair right now, too. I can keep you company, if you want. Because this sh*t all f*cking sucks doesn't it? I'm just... I'm so f*cking mad right in this moment that this is happening to you, that this is happening to me. It's all very unfair.

I know what it feels like to want to be dead. I wish for it often. I think, when I die, that's going to finally be the one good thing that I've done in my life. Perhaps two really upset people shouldn't be discussing this stuff, in this moment. I just... I don't mean to bring you further down, I just wanted you to know I hear you. I'm going through something similar.

I'm glad that you're alive. That the Taliban didn't get you, that you weren't shot, that you didn't die in a plane crash. I am. Because just knowing someone else feels like me, and that someone else worries that they do nothing but drive people away... I don't know... it's helping me. And you aren't driving everyone away... I'm here, I'm listening.

This seems like an awful response. I don't know. I probably shouldn't post it. I'm just... I hear you! I'm listening. I know it's bad. I know what bad feels like. All I've got right now, all I can say, is hang in there, because everything does change and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

D

 

[nomedic1]

Unfortunately it's too late D123, I thought if I dedicated my life to saving I would redeem myself but all I do is destroy myself even more. I try and help but all I do is either get people killed or drive them away because they can see the darkness within me and it disgusts them, they know I can't help them because I either get misunderstood or maybe I'm am the creep. D123 I apologize for not accepting your offer, but I'm tired of rejection I'm tired of trying to save them all and I'm tired of the nightmares, I'm tired of dragging this torchered body up everyday just to get more scars that won't heal.

 

[kahlan]

I'm very sorry you feel this way, its like reading a page in my N.'s book. You aren't useless and I really don't think you belong in hell although you may feel like you are there now. I'm not going to say it will get better but I do hope for you that it will.

 

[Candleflames]

I'm so sorry you are in this emotional black hole right now. It seems like many of us are in this place right now, and it sucks. We can only hang on for when the sorrow ends and some enjoyment can come back to us.

I'm glad you are still here. I know you have done some good. I've read your journal. Your job is a hard one but you have been there for people at their worst moments. I remember when I had carbon monoxide poisoning, I was so scared and out of it. The paramedics that came not only treated me for illness but showed such great compassion and concern that I felt really cared for. That last bit made the world of difference for me. After what I have read in your diary it's clear you give the same care. You are important!

Not all of the calls you guys get end well but you have at least you have given a voice to the people that didn't make it. It's hard but you have done so much to help. That you have taken a hard position and some some good with it shows how strong you are. Hang in there. It looks like there some of us that haven't been pushed away.

We here and we're listening.

 

[quic]

Nomedic, you are someone who has reached out to so many others to offer help, which proves you are GOOD. You recently posted this - " I will save as many as I can so I might redeem myself in some small way" Those are the words of a good and humble man. You are using your past to make something better. I admire your courage and compassion.

Light does not exist without darkness, good without evil. I have read some of your postings and the darkness you feel inside is not YOU, What you experienced is horrible and brought this into your mind, body and even soul. But, you are greater than the DARKNESS you sense inside. I know how strong it feels, but you are stronger.

The redemption you are looking for is within you. Forgiving others is hard, forgiving ourselves even harder. Please recognize what is so obvious to all of us, see the good you bring to this world, see the light that is in you. That is not something that I can say about all people, but very true of you.

 

[Paris Rose]

Please put the past behind you. And STOP felling sorry for yourself. Move on. You DO HAVE A CHOICE

 

[Candleflames]

@Paris Rose

Your comment is callous and inappropriate. Please read the rules for posting in the article section.

 

[Paris Rose]

Inappropriate? I said nothing inappropriate. I simply said to move on. I have to fight myself every single day just to function. But I still do it. So please understand my thoughts. Thank you.

 

[fly away home]

I just want to offer you a gentle hug and hope that those close to you can give you whatever it is that you need right now, be it hugs, some quiet space or a short break, perhaps a listening ear. It is hard. I have no answers. I do want to say thankyou for listening to me when I was low in chat some weeks ago. It's not forgotten. You are a kind hearted person and all I want it's for you to feel that about yourself

 

[quic]

If it were easy to put the past behind us, none of us would need this forum. Some things don't let go that easily. We are all learning how to move on one day at a time.

 

[Britt.f7]

Nomedic, please hang on. I felt that way for a majority of the year last year. I did get through it, to another side. It was work. There were definitely days I did not think I would make it. I am in a better place. I still have my days, though not nearly as dark.

Are you a paramedic? I don't read the trauma diaries, because I don't write in one. I will tell you, days before my mom died we had to have her transferred to a specialty facility. She was unable to talk, but he could understand what she was saying. Though it wasn't anything necessarily heartfelt, I got to hear her through him. I wanted to keep him but he had his job to do. She had some iffy moments during that ride but they handled it so efficiently and calmly. She died two days later, but I have always been grateful for that ride. So, please, know that even though it might not be the best of circumstances you can and I'm sure you do, help people.