What The &$&$$@$@ Am I Doing On This Mortal Coil

[fly away home]

I know it's a huge thing to do, but would you consider changing professions? Or perhaps shifting so you are no longer retraumatising yourself each day at work? I know it's probably way to much to think about at the moment but you have such compassion it could be used in other areas which are not no confrontational and death doesn't surround you quite so frequently. I wish only the best for you. Please ignore if this suggestion isn't helpful.

 

[Barberian]

nomedic1, Hang in there bro. I know it's tough. I've read some of your posts on the Combat PTSD site. We all have our burdens to bear, it just really sucks sometimes. Are you seeing a therapist/counselor?

I can't remember if your American or not but if you are:

Veterans Suicide Helpline - ‎1 (800) 273 8255

http://www.veteranscrisisline.net

It takes courage to admit it when you need help. I've used the hotline many times, and I've been hospitalized in the VA psych ward 5 or 6 times now.

If your not American, please Google "veterans suicide prevention" and your country. Get some help, your worth it. Don't let the war and PTSD claim another victim.

 

[cdg]

We like you Nomed.. Please stay with us. Your posts are great to read. They help us through our trying times. This is a good reason to go on. The outlet you created to help yourself is actually helping others. Thanks and good luck.

 

[mamachick]

nomedic-you cannot save everyone and while I understand your desire to help others, if they make wrong interpretations, that is within them. If they see darkness and feel disgust, that is within them. We cant see in another what we dont know in ourselves. Each and every one of us have positive qualities, and for every one of those qualities, we also have the exact opposite but it may not show except under certain circumstances. There is no light without darkness. We would not know good without knowing bad. I think that you are just more aware than many that deny ALL that is within them.

Please dont see your journey as a failure, it is not. What I am saying is this-People who lie really make me mad. Liars do not cause my anger, it is my own unresolved issues with lying. I am triggered by liars because a part of me is a bit self rightous and am in denial about accepting the fact that I have also lied, but reject this characteristic because I value honesty.

I have a hard time remembering so I apologize that I cant recall your information right now, and dont know exactly what has lead you to feel so hopeless. You dont drive people away. If others reject you, maybe you are around others that do not share your perceptions. You do not belong in hell. You are where you are suppose to be right now. You were not killed because you were not meant to be killed, There are no accidents. There is something else that you are suppose to do and only you can discover what that purpose is.

I hear and understand when you say you are tired of rejection and getting up everyday for more suffering. Please stay with us. I do not say this lightly-but we need to change our perceptions sometimes because they are not working. More importantly than what has happened to us is our own perception of what the meaning of it is. Who are these people that are rejecting you? What makes you think that they are right? Why is their opinion more important than those who support you here? I say these things today in hopes that you will hang on. Tomorrow I know I may be on the down side and need a place to lean. Please be there for me. (((gentle hugs)))

 

[nomedic1]

Thank you all for your kind words, I will try to pull myself up again, just a bad set of anniversaries coming up.

 

[fly away home]

Thinking of you, take it easy.

 

[mamachick]

Thinking if you and hope that you are feeling better. Please keep sharing and let your friends here help. I know there are many here that care.

 

[Barberian]

nomedic1 have you thought of doing a trauma diary,either a personal one that never goes online, or one here? I did one for myself first, then later did one here. To be honest, it was extremely hard to do, and I was more messed up as I dug through the memories. But, on the other side, after I had done it, I felt better. I was more aware of my triggers. I had worked through some of the hate and pain that I had been carrying around for so long.

The benefit of doing one here online is, at least for me, that others would see it. I had to be more critical, open and honest with myself knowing others would see through the lies I had been telling myself. Others could provide input and support. There is a whole lot of experience here in dealing with the beast. I know that vets are often afraid to let others know what they did, and what they went through. If others are uncomfortable with your diary, they don't have to read it.

Hoping things get easier for you.

 

[nomedic1]

Barberian I have started a trauma diary, My attempts to die. It has been quite painful writing it.

 

[cdg]

Checking back in with you. Hope you are doing ok.

 

[nomedic1]

I am thanks cdg.