What the **** happened in therapy today?

[Keen]

I could really use some insight from others with PTSD who dissociate. Today at therapy, I was looking over my list of triggers that I had been assigned to make, and I dissociated I think, I'm not sure what happened, and was really confused, and asked my therapist, who responded that my "7 year-old you came out" which was really weird sounding to me. What it felt like to me is just I kinda lost control of myself, I just felt weird, but I was there, I knew what I was doing and saying, but it felt hard to be in charge of what I did and said. I was telling her about this scary incident when I was 7 and about how big and strong the perpetrator was, but I just felt like I was acting weird and not like an adult. My voice even sounded high and quiet and not like me. It was almost as if I was acting. Is there some weird psychological problem I have where I'm trying to get attention or manipulate people by acting that way? I don't know how else to explain cause the whole thing just felt so unreal and untrue. I finally got control of myself, but my head felt waterlogged and my brain felt numb and fuzzy. And it felt like I didn't know what had been going on the last 20 minutes, even though I could remember it. So I just don't know what the **** it was, I'm just confused about what occurred. I feel totally crazy now.

 

[shimmerz]

but I was there, I knew what I was doing and saying, but it felt hard to be in charge of what I did and said.

That, to me, is a co-conscious state. It sounds like you were 'watching' or at least hearing yourself from another part of you. There are a few different threads here that speak about Structural Dissociation. You may be able to relate to what some of the posters wrote.

BTW, I go co-conscious as well.

 

[Keen]

Thanks for your response, I'll look up those threads. It was a weird experience for me. I've dissociated before, but this felt really different and unreal.

 

[shimmerz]

On the upside, when it feels unreal that means it is not your normal state of being. That is a good thing!

 

[BlueOrange]

I find this very relatable. One thing I'm completely sure of: your therapist got a very valuable glimpse of something. I'm sure that it would be useful to talk to them about your feelings in relation to the event as well.

I suspect myself of 'putting on an act' at times. I have good reasons for that suspicion, but I'm not convinced that I'm a good judge of myself. I tend to be a bit harsh.

 

[Keen]

I find this very relatable. One thing I'm completely sure of: your therapist got a very valuable gli...

Yes, she said it gave her valuable information. I just found it very embarassing once I came all the way out of it.

It just seemed too unreal to me when it happened, so it seemed like it must have been an act, even though I wasn't consciously meaning to do it. So I worried it was just some inner unconscious bad character issue or something, like how "toppers" are always trying to one-up everyone because they have low self-esteem but they don't realize it, you know what I mean? Something similar to that.
But honesty is one of the big things my OCD is centered on, so maybe that is why I'm so worried that what happened was some kind of act.

I just have no idea what it really was or why it happened. It is scary to just stop being in control of your person and unable to make choices.

 

[BlueOrange]

It is scary to just stop being in control of your person and unable to make choices.

Yeah. The single most distressing memory I have is of a time that matches that description. It is an awful feeling. One that I haven't repeated in the last ten years, so that's something. Improvement is a real thing, and I believe you're serious about making improvements.

 

[One step at a time]

I've had this happen, too. I'd been strongly triggered the night before, and I'd lost most of the time between then and my appointment. I pretty much walked in, said in a few words the main 3 triggers, and then proceeded to feel pretty much exactly as you described - my voice got quieter, I spoke more simply and directly. We were sitting outside and I played with a few sticks, and rocked a little when she asked me questions I found hard. And at the end of the session that part of me retreated inside again, and a mildly out-of-it but definitely older me came up to schedule for next week.

Honestly, for me it was a really positive experience. The rest of me needed a break and couldn't handle the triggering experience.
This part of me (that usually comes out only when I'm totally alone, or only comes out a little bit around close friends, making me act more playful and light or helping me see some situations simply and clearly) felt safe enough to be in front of T, and we got something good out of it.

You are not a fake, or crazy.
It's like with other dissociative experiences - they exist on a spectrum. Everyone experiences dissociation a little bit, and with trauma it can become a way of coping, but when the trauma is over it can interfere with living life.
This is true for this kind of experience, too. (personally, I feel uncomfortable calling the way I am - and have always been - "structural dissociation," but the description fits, so...)
For some people it happens only once, or a few times; for others it is a part of daily life. Either way you are not alone. There are definitely other people on this forum (including me) that talk about these kinds of experiences. And there are online resources if you want them.

Sending support.

 

[Keen]

I've had this happen, too. I'd been strongly triggered the night before, and I'd lost most...

Thanks, I appreciate your support, and helping me feel less crazy and not fake.

 

[Rag doll]

I could really use some insight from others with PTSD who dissociate. Today at therapy, I was looking ov...

When I read your thread not only did I know exactly what you meant...i have walked in your shoes. Please know I am not a mental health professional in any way.....but I feel very confident in what I am about to tell you.....first I know how scared you are...and please try not to be...it is very important that you understand this, first and foremost. The chances that you are ''making this up for attention is very unlikely"...what you described is textbook classic, for someone who may have gone through a lot of trauma growing up, that has had a affect on you, you do not quite understand yet... there is good news, please know it is treatable and if you can, with the help of right therapist, accept this and not runaway or be afraid of it, you are going to be okay.
Trust me you can do this....no human being on planet could have been more locked in denial and wasted decades of their life more than I did. At the point I was, where you are now, there was very little to no treatment .....but that has changed radically. Please do not be scared or bury this or turn to addiction of any type, to deal with this....that could be the worst mistake you could make. I will not tell you it will be easy...it will not be, but try and love yourself enough to know you are worth the hard work. IF YOU CAN DO THIS ....you can have the life and relationships you want. You may want to consider some options, please be careful who you go to talk about this and whose advice you take, while albeit, well meaning, it could lead you down the wrong path. Most people could tell you more or less, to just forget about it....trust me that WILL not work. You will be asking your friends or family etc. to understand something so far removed from their understanding or ''wheelhouse" so to speak to comprehend....and the only thing more tragic than what you have already gone through is not to recover from this....
There are a few general suggestions I could make, but it is paramount that you have a qualified trauma therapist go over them with you and help you decide what is appropriate for you. There will be times you will want to give up and you will feel at certain points you are not willing to continue.....please remember in the difficult moments, know instead of quitting you may just need a little time. Maybe there is a way I could help you see it a little more clearer. Suppose you had a accident and broke your leg badly perhaps....it would take time and a a lot of effort and hard work to recover, there will be twists and turned in the recovery Road, and maybe you will not feel it is worth it and you could give up and just find a wheelchair and never walk again....yes that would be option, but highly unlikely the right option.....
Below you will find a few possibilities that you may want to think about and discuss with your therapist and or doctors;
1. You may need a trauma and PTSD therapist. I suspect you MAY have early age trauma.
2. Dr. Charles Whitfield....you will find he has a web site as well as amazon page...he is a well known and respected expert in what I think may be at the base of the problem you described. There is a starting book you may want to read, the title is HEALING THE CHILD WITHIN.
3. There are many treatment centers, and again your doctor and therapist need to help with the choices you consider.
I know of one in Orlando Florida, called WIIT, OR Women's institute of Incorporation Therapy, I know I found this by accident on the intranet and I had HMO insurance , whatever insurance you have they may be able to help you with insurance. Another hospitial is called The Meadows it is in Wickenburg Az. Several more. I know this is long and TMI ( too much info ) the reason I did it, was I would have sold every thing I had to go into the right treatment decades ago, if it had existed than.....please consider , you do not want to wake up one day as old as I am now and look back with regret. Wish you only the best....

 

[Keen]

When I read your thread not only did I know exactly what you meant...i have walked in your shoes. Plea...

Thank you, for your compassionate, encouraging, and informative response. I really really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I can sense that you have a really good and caring spirit within you.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Kassie Although, I haven't experienced it to the extent you described. I have had these times in T where a topic comes up that is just too hard to deal with and I feel myself go inside as the room kind of goes out of focus. I complete the conversation in T but, it is almost like I am watching it happen such as what you described and the me that is talking nothing bothers them and they are kind of very light hearted and can talk about anything while smiling almost if that makes sense? Kind of unemotional.