What to do when you are stuck in a triggering situation

[Chelsea123]

Hi all,

I'm new here. I need some advice on how to cope with a bad situation, but first I think a little background is necessary. Also, I'm sorry this post is so long, and I feel I should warn that there may be some triggering details in here for some.

I was in a relationship from 17-23 with an extremely abusive partner. He taunted, hit, raped, smothered, strangled, and otherwise tortured me throughout our relationship. I finally left him for good, got a restraining order (he began stalking and threatening me in the weeks after I ended the relationship), and have not heard from him for nearly three years. Right before I left him, I moved out of my parents' house to live on my own. The majority of the abuse took place in my childhood bedroom in that house. I had initially had a pretty bad bout of PTSD for the first 6 months to a year after being without him, but after a lot of work and time, I got to the point where I felt like I had recovered with very few symptoms.

That is, until about a month and a half ago, when I was forced to move back into my parents' house, due to money issues and accepting a job that was in another state from where I had been living on my own. I knew from experience that coming home occasionally for a couple of days at a time for holidays I would be quite distressed and anxious being back in that house, but I was able to hold on for a few days without having a full-blown episode.
Living back in the house has been a completely different story. I can't sleep, I'm having trauma dreams much more frequently, I don't feel hunger and food has no taste, I'm paranoid and irritable, but I think the most troubling symptom for me is that my defensive mechanisms have re-engaged.
When I was in the middle of the trauma, I had to find a way to deal with the emotions and terror I felt constantly and still get things done without falling apart. I don't really know how to explain it, and I'm really not sure if it's common or not, but it's like I would harden myself, or even become someone else. I didn't feel anything at all, and I wouldn't let anyone get close to me, and I wouldn't admit something was wrong. My brain would sense danger, and this protective shell or force field would come down over me. Now that I'm back in this house, I'm back in that mode, and I don't know how to stop it. My (extremely loving and supportive) boyfriend says he doesn't recognize me anymore, that it seems like I feel nothing and that no matter what he does to try and help I just criticize him and push him away (all true). I hate it, because all I want to do is feel close to and connect with him like I used to and let him comfort me, but I can't seem to break through, no matter how hard I try.
Does anyone have any advice on how to ease these symptoms or to cope with them? I have signed a lease for an apartment, but I can't move in for another month. I don't know how I will handle another month of this.

Chelsea

 

[Eagle3]

Wish I had something to say, but I don't. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I am in a very similar situation, having had to move back into the house where lots of crap happened to me, and I'm now perpetually triggered, but have no way out. I'm already turning into a person I don't like and don't know how to stop the process. Hopefully someone here has some suggestions, I'd like to hear them too!! Wishing you peace and progress...

 

[Friday]

Change what you can.

Move the furniture around, paint, etc. It's amazing how redecorating can actually reclaim a space.

Another trick is olfactory. Simply spraying your pillow with perfume or stuffing it with dried flower or fragrant wood caschet can help tons, but completely switching out your cleaning products? New laundry detergent, new room freshener, etc.? And then washing everything? From curtains and linens, to carpets & walls, as well as your laundry... It's a very very subtle difference, and can be wowza effective in changing the "feel" of a room.

 

[joeylittle]

Another trick is olfactory.

I want to back up Friday's suggestion here. And I think it's not only the actual changing of smells - although that really can have a profound effect - but also the psychological reinforcement of cleaning the room, top to toe, and re-making it as your own. Get new bedding if you can. And I know some people who will really swear by smudging with sage. Have a ritual, make a ceremony for it. All of these things are a way to re-create the space into a new one that is just for you.

Also, I'm sorry this post is so long, and I feel I should warn that there may be some triggering details in here for some.

No worries - long is never a problem. Also, you don't have to worry about warning people for triggers on this site. There are so many different and possible triggers that if we did use them, everything would be a warning. So, we just don't use them at all.

 

[Mafia_Science]

I agree with the previous posts. Changing things up makes everything feel fresher. My biggest tip would be to use a cold or hot compress on the neck or face or wherever. It always calms me down.

 

[Adrian2016]

Hot showers and some chamomile tea helps me with anxiety and stress...I'm in a similar situation trapped in a triggering environment stay strong

 

[The Albatross]

Perhaps reframe you're experience? Your rational mind knows that being in the room, in a different time, with a different man, in a different situation entirely does not equal danger. It is causing distress, fear, and other emotional issues... I expect you're onto something when you share how you had to "harden" yourself to deal with the damaging relationship and situation at that time. BUT... this time, that coping mechanism is not needed or assistive and it's causing difficulties with the relationship with your boyfriend (criticizing, pushing away...). This is an exposure and it's showing you where your difficulties are and where your own brand of coping is potentially problematic as you wait for your new apartment.

The risk of continuing to deal in the way you have been, is damaging your relationship with your boyfriend. You didn't say or share, but I'd really strongly advise communicating what you are experiencing with your boyfriend and try to enlist and be open to his assistance and also do a whole lot of grounding and re-framing, reminding yourself of why you're there, that you're there now for a purpose (transition to a new place), and that it's temporary (another month) not permanent. Something simple, like "THIS is not THEN." And remind yourself as needed that you chose to return and be in the room for a reason and that you value the reason (new apartment) and your present relationship.... THIS man in your bedroom is not your abusive first partner. Or something like that?????

Rational mind stuff and staying grounded in the present "This is not Then" and "This is temporary and for a valid reason... It is my choice and I can do this without messing up my relationships" helps me a lot.

 

[The Albatross]

edited... so I added a bit there.

Affirming the reason I am doing something and elevating the importance or value of it can trump you're defensive/over active old coping style.