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What To Do When You Just Do Not Want To Live Anymore??

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Xander Haworth

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I deal with a lot of suicidal thoughts. I just feel like this life is not worth living. Like i have done all i can do in life. With all these rules and laws it just seems impossible to live a happy life. There are things in life i want to do. I want to get a PHD in astrophysics. That takes 7 years of more schooling and a ton of money. I cant hold down a job because of my back injury and my PTSD. So when your stuck in this rut and really have nothing going for you in life and don't see a future that is actually reachable then what do you do with your life. I think about this a lot. Do you conform and life a boring life or reach for the moon. This troubles me a lot. Seems better for all parties to just end my life. I could really use some help with this problem i am having. I just really do not know what to do right now. Ending my life would cause troubles for my family and do not want to do it but, the thought is always there. Why cant I get this out of my head? Is anybody else dealing with these troubles and what methods have you use to help deal with this? Thank you all for your service.
 
Yeah, man. Absof*ckinglutely. And it pisses me off no end. I use that, actually. Anger to fight the despair. It's not a great idea, but it's a helluva lot better than the f*cking abyss.

When I'm doing well I can actually be moving forward. When I'm doing badly? I just have to keep moving. Been doing badly awhile now. f*ck. Drives me absolutely insane. But it's also temporary. My patience just sucks. Bad. I can see where I want to be, and I just can't get there. But I will. Have before, will again, as long as I keep moving.

You've got a goal, which is both good & makes things harder, cause you can see it.

Methods? I turn shit on its head, as much as f*cking possible. Very much along the lines of "We've been looking for the enemy for some time now. We've finally found him. We're surrounded. That simplifies things." - Chesty Puller

The more tired I am, the more I've lost my sense of humor, the harder it is.
 
I understand where you are coming from using anger to dismiss you'r problems. I use to be a very angry person, for no reason really. I went threw years of counseling and learned to control my anger. So, I am saying I try not to use that as a coping method. I live with my Grandpa, he makes me angry a lot but I control it and it seems to build up in me. I am the same way, when I'm happy I'm more focused and driven. Once I get in that "hole" time seems to reverse and I live in the past. My problem with my goals are that I feel like the bar is set to high. Maybe I can't reach these goals, whats the point in trying if I can't reach them. I know physically and mentally in the military that I have overcame and reached goals I never thought I could. The thing is that I was not alone with those goals. I am alone with these goals I have nobody in my corner rooting for me. A lot of the times I think maybe I should lower the bar and just reach for a small goal so I'm not disappointed in the end. That is a very good quote. When you think about it, really think about it, it can apply to a lot of things in life. I sleep 4 hours a night always tired during the day. This does make things very hard. Would you have any more advice about what I should do about my goals in life. Thank you for you reply.
 
Caveat : You did ask. ;)

Have your cake & eat it, too. :sneaky: Big goals & small. Not just one or the other, but both.

Can't afford school right now?

New school - Many of the best schools are starting to publish some of their courses online. I'm not talking about 'Online Courses'. I mean Oxford, Cambridge, Stanford, MIT, CalTech, etc. are putting entire classes from syllabi to the professor's lecture notes to paper assignments online. Undergrad & Postgrad classes. Its pretty sporadic, they hardly have everything online, but I saved about 20k by "taking" some of these courses self study, and then challenging their equivilent courses at my university. That's not a lot overall, I think it was only 7 or 8 classes that I was allowed to challenge to apply towards my degree. Still, better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. And self study means you set your own schedule.

Old school - Correspond with interesting people. Astrophysicists are a quirky crowd. My late uncle was one, grew up spending summers at some of their dinner parties (fun, those! It was a very mixed crowd. A lot were also into outdoor/adventure sports/backcountry shit. So you had people spiritedly debating climbing ropes in one breath, and the moons of Jupiter in the next). Like a lot of highly specialized fields... They don't really give a f*ck who you are or what your credentials are if you know your shit. Like a lot of otherwise antisocial people, they like to be liked, to be sought out for friendship & advice. You put those 2 things together? Be genuine & enthusiastic & you can have friends/mentors in the field that will help pave your way into it. // Keep your hand in. Read professional journals, attend conferences, read papers & peer review journals, LOL... That gives you something to correspond about, btw. Spend a lot of time in the stacks at universities (when I was homeless in winter or rain that's usually where you'd find me). IF there is any security at universities? It's lax. Easy to work around. <chuckling>

Alt Funding - I didn't use my GI Benefits. Long story, not relavent. Point being, I attended school on grants and scholarships. Helluva lot more of those for undergrad than postgrad degrees, but there are still tens of thousands of them available. When I was really rocking out with my cock out I was getting about 40k a year in funding. Mostly from puddly little $100 scholarships that no one bothers to apply for and that are practically going begging. You have to apply for the coming year... So I would sit and write 5/ 10 /20+ of them a week. A lot can be recycled once you have a good casche of them, with just a little bit of tweaking. The 20+? Were mostly me just spending a couple hours tweaking wording. Ignore FastWeb. Go to the library and get the tissue paper phone book list of them and work off that. FastWeb & other search engines excludes you from 90% of ones that you qualify for simply because their only requirement is that you apply. I've own scholarships from dozens of religious groups that don't specify that you have to be a member; GLBTQ that doesn't require that your sexual orientation be anything, just that your essay is on point; corporations I can even tenuously link to my degree path OR my history (I worked security for a couple engineering firms in Latin America for 20 minutes, wrote my essay on guarding their people), etc. On average I won maybe 10% of what I applied for.

Weird Jobs - I can't work M-F 9-5. I can, for a very short time, but it's not something I can do for very long. Weird jobs, though? I've worked dozens of those. Some were barter economy (let fishermen use my fishing license in exchange for half my allowance, or trade fish for lures... Fishing gets expensive needing new jigs and lures and shit. This means they fish for free, I eat for free. Ish. Had the gamakatsu, had the pouring & painting supplies). Some were gig-work. Courrier (mostly artwork & medical stuff these days, where the value is intrinsic; before electronic signatures were accepted, a lot of banking & real estate documents), finding people or losing them, underground music industry (I wanted to hear some people play, and I had a limited window, so I started calling around and would get a show put together when I had off time back when I was private. I was surprised as f*ck the first time when part of that ended up being with me getting a check at the end. Hey, sweet. I get to dance to who I wanna listen to and get paid? On it.). Some were piece work (writing for publication, selling artwork, modeling, spinning fire -poi- at a beach party, buying furniture at Goodwill refinishing it & selling it at 2x-10x what I paid, babysitting neurotic thoroughbreds, making dog leashes out of old climbing rope, writing homeschool curriculum, collecting Sage in Montana & selling it to hippies in San Francisco)... I've done a f*ckload of things over the years for cash. Most could probably be full time jobs if I had enough interest in them. I don't. But if I need money? I can make rocks bleed cash. They don't bleed on demand, hungrier I am the less likely I can find a damn rock to squeeze. But getting in the habit of looking for rocks means maybe not enough to live off of, (or maybe, some paid f*cking well) but it keeps me busy & cash comes in bits and pieces. Adds up over time. And it's 100% at my discretion whether I have the energy/interest to be doing it.

Big Goals & Small are both in the above lists. And they're hardly complete.

Improvise, adapt, overcome.
 
& my apologies. I can't seem to shut up today. Way too much f*cking info up there & I can't delete or edit it. Wall of f*cking text spanning 15 years. FFS. :rolleyes: Essentially... Do both. Baby steps. Work on little things as they come, towards the bigger things.
 
I like a story about when Marlene Dietrich approached Ernest Hemingway when she was confused about her life and did not know what to do. He paused a minute and told her, "Never confuse movement with action." She was worried about movement when action was necessary.

Your words are similar to those I had when I was let out and wanted a Ph D. I worked all the way to the dissertation and a friend in the program was refused when he went to defend his thesis because he had a tan from being on the golf team -- on a scholarship program. I let the Beast control me with rage and anger and fell off the program for too long. I don't believe in regret but there are times....

Decide who you Are before you decide what to Do. Take action on your life. Everything from then on is movement. All evil and barriers fall away after that.

I will trust you to tell me the same when I have a case of temporary insanity. :~D
 
Found this site randomly and this thread was the first that caught my attention. I know 100% how you feel. I came home and "thought" all was well. Until I found out my wife at the time had been "with" her boss the entire deployment. Remarried and such and so on. New wife of 10yrs, all is good. However my rage keeps growing and growing by the year. My wife is bipolar and has mental fits every few months. So I try to stay calm on the outside as best I can. I have to work under the table just to pay the bills since the VA pays dick and most of my appeals get denied every time. I feel like I am on a never ending f*cking roller coaster. There are so many days I just want to eat a damn .45 and end it. Maybe its the "cavalry never give up" shit that keeps me going on each day. Between the working my ass off in pain all day, to the nightmares, to the wife and her mental mood swings, I'm over it. I'm just afraid one day I'll give into the "what the f*ck ever" mood and take myself out of the damn equation. I do attend church so that helps alot, but no one there can understand what I saw, what I went through, what is in my head every day. Keep strong man, with the way shit is going now? The Vets are all that is going to save this country it seems.
 
Sorry to hear this. The stress of life eats away at us. Being in constant flight or fight mode all the time works on every body system we have. Learn to figure out when to breath and challenge the emotional thoughts and the negative problematic thinking. It's tough and takes a lot of practice.
 
Find a new mission, go hiking, buy a motorcycle and go on a road trip. Go camping. Learn survival techniques.
Challenge your survival techniques. That's where I'm at.
 
I bet if we took a poll of what we really wished we could do that was simple and mind settling...it would be something like getting a good fish pole, versatile, good for all kinds of fish, tackle, rifle, camping gear and food for a week. Couple of good knives, axe, mes kit. Find a nice place near a ridge line and a river. Pitch the tent on high ground. Just Be there.
A therapist told me she asks that question to her PTSD guys and everyone says the same, not word for word, but pretty close.
 
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