Relationship What To Say When ...

[Newtoptsd]

I haven't posted on here in a while but I was just wondering what people say to their SO's when they say 'you should find yourself a boyfriend' or 'go out and get yourself a boyfriend, you can't knock about with me forever' or 'you should go find yourself a lovely boy' ....

He's said this so many times over the past 6 months and I don't think any answer I give is the right answer. If I say I don't want to and I only want him that causes a 'break-up' (we're not official) too much pressure on him to have a relationship and I'm pretty sure if I said I was dating that would go down like a sack of shit as well ... I've never said this because that would be a lie.

Basically he hasn't said that for a while and now he's started saying it again, it goes hand in hand whenever I ask him if he would like to do something or meet up or when I'm being a bit needy. I'm not overly needy and we both joke about it when I am but I know this is probably triggering him to tell me to get a boyfriend because currently he's incapable of giving me time and attention.

Also are there many supporters out there who are in the midst of dating/friendship (because we don't really date anymore) and have never been official and there are no signs that you may be in the future that are wondering if they might just be stupid in waiting for something that might never be? I know I'm not going to walk away, but sometimes I have moment where I think I may be a bit deluded in thinking that one day we might take it up a level.

 

[BlueOrange]

If I was saying that, then the kinds of things I want to hear might include:

"I'm glad you don't want me to be lonely. I'm not lonely."

"If I decide that I'm not getting what I need, then I'll start looking. And if I think things might change between us, I'll talk to you about it."

If you're feeling brave and are ready for an unpredictable response, you might want to try:

"I guess you're saying that because you're feeling something? Can you tell me how you're feeling?"

 

[Newtoptsd]

Thank you @BlueOrange ... weird you mentioned the lonely comment because this weekend it stemmed from the fact I was a bit lonely. All my friends were busy and I was a bit in the dumps - I think he could sense this which prompted the whole 'you need to find yourself a boyfriend'.

I told him I was feeling a bit lonely on Friday and he did give me a kick up the backside and told me to go for a run because no one is going to make me happy in the long run only I can do that. Then yesterday he told me to find a boyfriend.

I just say I don't want to when he says those things but I'm not sure if that's a very good response. I'm a bit rubbish at expressing how I feel or being very tactical about my responses. I like your suggestion on the 'if I decide I'm not getting what I need' :)

Thank you!!!

 

[dulcia]

So good, @BlueOrange. "If I decide that I'm not getting what I need, then I'll start looking. And if I think things might change between us, I'll talk to you about it" is my favorite.

I hear that a lot, usually at the peak of an argument. I used to say something along the lines of:
"If I wanted someone else I would be with them."

But recently? I have just stopped responding to that line. It becomes a circular conversation and if we're already in the midst of an argument, I don't feel in the mood to be reassuring or soothing. Now, I more often just say "no, thanks" and disregard.

 

[Newtoptsd]

I find it hard because we're not together and don't see each other much at the moment so saying something like 'if I want someone else I'll find someone else' sparks him to feel that he's in a relationship and he's the only one I want. I don't know, I'm very confused at the moment as to what we are, what's going on and all that!

Having a bit of a weak spot. Maybe I should take a bit of time out for a few days!

 

[dulcia]

Yeah, I think I am in a different place with mine than you two are. I do like the "no, thanks" or not acknowledge tho!

 

[caligirl03]

Based on my own experience, it could also perhaps mean that he may be seeing somebody else and has feelings of guilt surrounding that, or simply general guilt at having put you in this spot in the first place. It's the perpetual push and pull of "I hate you, I love you, please don't leave me."

 

[Deleted member 39414]

My boyfriend of 16 months said the same thing. He tells me to go out and date and find a good guy. He just moved out and I must be on good antianxiety meds because I'm so glad I don't have to deal with his mood swings. I never knew which guy was going to show up. I called the other day to see how he was doing and he seemed annoyed I was calling. That pretty much did it for me. I would rather hit my head against a wall then deal with McFrosty. It's been a slow realization that I can't give love to a person who is not ready to accept it. One of the issues he is dealing with is that he feels he is not deserving of anything good. It's a dark place. And a very sad place. I wish I could help him. But I gave him unconditional love and support. And it still wasn't enough. I'm glad he moved out because I can spend time on surrounding myself with happy pursuits. My first night alone, I had a doggie sleepover. Treasure your friends. And put all your efforts on making yourself whole. There's really nothing you can do to help him.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I feel stupid waiting and hoping that me and my ExSO will reconcile and reforge the relationship we had. I am still finding it hard to believe 10+ years of love has just vanished in an instant, I feel stupid for holding on that she will reopen her feelings for me, I'm honestly more or less ready to give up on it, permanently.

I don't want anybody else myself, but I do feel like an idiot for hanging on.

 

[grimalkin]

I feel stupid waiting and hoping that me and my ExSO will reconcile and reforge the relationship we had. I am still finding it hard to believe 10+ years of love has just vanished in an instant..

Oh man, I feel you. Seven years, almost 8, almost six of those married, and POOF! "I think I don't love you anymore."

I'm trying to stop myself from regretting the last 7 years, which I know is part of the grieving process. But still. In the last year, we've had "Do you want to open our relationship?" conversations, mostly coming from him (I was polyamorous prior to getting together with him, gladly and happily became monogamous for him, that was NEVER an issue for me). That was before we started counseling or anything; in retrospect, it was a new part of his "We both deserve better" argument. My response was "No thank you, that is not part of our relationship dynamic, and I don't want it to be."

To bring it back to the topic - we are friends, and genuinely want health and happiness for each other. We'll probably continue to have dinners together, go out for breakfast, that sort of thing, even when we move out and apart. I won't be actively looking to date right away, but there is no way I will refuse if the opportunity arises and I'm interested. If it causes issues then, it's something I'll tackle if needed.

@Newtoptsd When it comes down to it, I'd say just...live your life. You don't have to date if you don't want to. But, for something like that, where you're not in an official relationship, and he's trying to get you to "find someone better for you," (which is what that sounds like to me) just tell him "I will if and when I am ready." Or, yeah, "No, thanks." Hell, you could probably even ask him if it's really any of his business, if he has no interest in being with you. Live, be well, and do what feels right for you. I would say, don't give up on other opportunities if they present themselves, but you certainly don't have to go looking if you don't want to, either. :coffee:

 

[LuckiLee]

I find it hard because we're not together and don't see each other much at the moment so saying somet...

I find it hard because we're not together and don't see each other much at the moment so saying somet...

It sounds like a relationship is just too much for him right now. I know when I am sad or depressed or angry my S/O's stress goes into full force. It almost feels contagious. If he sees that you are sad or lonely he takes it personally. To put your happiness in his hands isn't fair to him or you. Is he in treatment?

 

[BlueOrange]

I just say I don't want to when he says those things but I'm not sure if that's a very good response. I'm a bit rubbish at expressing how I feel or being very tactical about my responses.

"I don't want to" seems perfectly reasonable. It's much easier to look wise and eloquent when you have all the time in the world to compose your response, when you know how to use the delete key, and when you're not emotionally invested in the problem.

Talking about how you feel is good for everybody (not just PTSD sufferers), so I'd suggest that you take any opportunities for practice that you are able to take safely.