What would you do?

[FauxLiz]

I have been struggling for the past several weeks with self-medicating after a particularly triggering event at work that for the first time in our nearly 3 years of work together I reached out to my T using the emergency cell number he gave. I texted him because I was having a meltdown panic attach, shaking uncontrollably and looking for any way to self harm. Things were better over the holiday weekend but being back at work I received a rejection letter from a job that I really wanted, am waiting impatiently to hear if I will be invited to interview for another job and all the while considering changing professions.

I am sitting here this evening and I can feel everything boiling up. The anxiety, the fears and insecurities are running rampant and I am fluctuating between self medicating, self harming or reaching out to my T again as he made me promise last week. He is currently on vacation for 10 days. He asked me several times in our session last Thursday if I understood that I could call him if I needed to, The problem is, I don't know how to ascertain that I need help. I am not in a full blown meltdown right now but I feel as though one is coming quickly.

So what would you do in my place?

 

[Esterio]

I think I would call him it sounds like he wants you to call him If things are bad and he got you to promise him that you would. I am sure he understands the condition you are in and is expecting you to call if you are in trouble or close to it. He maybe able to help you so that you don't melt down. Hope that helps you.(((((((FauxLiz)))))))

 

[FauxLiz]

@Esterio thank you for replying. I made it through the night but it was all that I could do to make it too work this morning. I have an appt with my Pdoc this evening for med refills and I know he is going to ask how I am doing. I also know I will keep it vague as usual as the only things we discuss in those appoints is how the meds are doing. I could have really used my regular session with T this morning. I just feel as though I am tettering on an edge and I don't want to interupt his vacation with my failings.

 

[Esterio]

I think by what you said before he knows that you are not doing well and it sounds to me that he would be ok with the interruption If it was to help you get through this. I know it is hard to call I am very careful about over using their contact info that I have for emergencies. I have only used it Once to my doctor and it was a good thing I did as I had accidentally taking the wrong medication and was in trouble. It was late and he came and help me out. I knew that doctor from school and he was good to me. He has retired and the new doctor gave me the same contact info and told me if I was in trouble don't hesitate to call or email. I am very careful with that contact info and understand your reluctance call. I think if you are close to crisis now is the time to call and he can maybe help you to get grounded.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Esterio thank you for the advice I still haven't decided if I should reach out or not I received a bombshell phone call today during my lunch hour that is turning my world upside in both good and bad ways. I have been offered an interview for a job that I think would be much more healthy for me but it is just over two hours away. This would require that I relocate which generally I would be fine with but my son is about to start his senior year of high school. Yes we have discussed this possibility and put things in place if I were offered the position but not that it might actually be real it is sinking in that I would have to start therapy all over again with someone new and honestly I am not sure I would be willing to do so. With my mental and physical health issues is it really sensible for me relocate? Add all of that to the fact that I am dealing with major issues in my current position that cause panic attacks, my son is away spending part of the summer with his dad, I am all alone and feel as though I am drowning. All that I want to do is disappear and self-medicating seems like the most logical escape. In moments of clarity I know that is not the answer and trying to acknowledge what I am feeling would be better. The thing is I have 5 more days until T returns and we have a session and I don't see a clear path here.

 

[mrsmegan]

I think it would be good in this circumstance to reach out. It is clear to yourself that you need the support and it sounds like your T was VERY supportive of you reaching out. I know it is hard, but I do think it could help bridge the gap until you see him again.

 

[chaotic harmony]

Hugs if you accept them @FauxLiz :hug:

I think you should definitely reach out! He has given you the number and had you promise to contact him. It will only make you feel better. Does just hearing his voice calm you? Please don't self-medicate! I understand the want of doing that...I have this struggle quite often, but it will hurt you much more than it will help. Your T sounds wonderful and caring, use this to help yourself! You don't feel at the full-blown meltdown stage yet...why let yourself get to it? I know it's hard to reach out, but please do! You'll thank yourself for it!

 

[FauxLiz]

Thank you @mrsmegan and @chaotic harmony I am trying very hard not to self-medicate. My Pdoc learned more about me during our med check up last night than he has in nearly 3 years of meeting. Not sure I am happy about that but can't change it. I took the advice I have been given and reached out. I texted him that I could use a call when he can so now it is just a matter of waiting.

 

[chaotic harmony]

Well done! You made a great choice!! Why are you unhappy about talking to your Pdoc? I think it shows a lot of strength on your part to talk and reach out! I hope your T gets back to you soon. :tup:

 

[FauxLiz]

@chaotic harmony I am unhappy about talking to my Pdoc because in spite of the amount of time I have been seeing him I don't really trust him. And while he knows I have a strong therapeutic relationship with my T he always seems a little jealous when he asks if I am still seeing him like I should only see my Pdoc.

 

[chaotic harmony]

Ohhhh. Yikes. I'm sorry. :( Have you told your T about that? The jealousy? Do you have the option of seeing someone different? Maybe your T can refer you? Sorry for all the questions, I know you're having a difficult time. I'm proud of you for posting here and not giving in to those self-medicate thoughts!

 

[FauxLiz]

@chaotic harmony i haven't told T about the jealousy I most of the time just roll with it because I need the meds he prescribes and I don't want to start over from scratch. Pdoc is aware I am not his biggest fan as when he asks at the end of our appointment when I want to see him my response is usually the 5th of never.