What's Our Fault And What Isn't?

[PointlessExistence]

@PointlessExistence

the justification doesnt happen. It doesnt satisfy, it doesnt...

Yes, this makes sense to me. I understand completely. Thank you.

 

[Rani G2]

@PointlessExistence

I didnt want to sound rude. I still have to deal with this shit and sometimes its frustrating.

Thanks for writing

 

[PointlessExistence]

@PointlessExistence

I didnt want to sound rude. I still have to deal with this shi...

I didn't think you sounded rude at all. I just wanted to assure you that what you said made sense to me. It was nice talking to you :)

 

[katz]

I'm so glad that I found this particular thread. Thanks.

I had so much "garage" as a kid, that I often wonder how much of my "now" is from the trash and how much is me. I know to blame certain things on what happened, but what about the other things? Are they me? Would they still be part of me if nothing had happened?

This question--which I have asked myself lots of times-- also makes me feel very, very sad. I cry as I wonder how I was supposed to be.
Would I still be doing the same thing for a living? Would I even be living in this state? Married to the same person, or kind of person?

I'll never know.

I can remember the dreams and plans for my life, that I had back in school, when I didn't realize what was going on and how it would reflect on me. I just waited for them to end. Then just forgot them, I assumed that they were gone forever, just part of childhood, a normal one.

Then, as time passed, I began remembering, and everything changed. All of a sudden, all those dreams and plans just vanished.
Even the "ability" I had to do them, just disappeared.

I've never seen it since. I can't even find it in me to try to accomplish them. I just go on feeling sad and watching life go by and just accepting that this is life.

 

[PointlessExistence]

...Married to the same person, or kind of person?

I'll never know.

I can remember the dreams and plans for my life, that I had back in school...

I fight with my wife constantly but can't seem to ever figure out who's to blame. Sometimes I see her as innocent and naive, and I see myself as a bully. Other times I see her as a selfish manipulator who has damaged me as bad as anyone from my childhood.

And I often go back in my mind to high school, and I remember my dreams, and I remember the kind of woman I'd want someday and the kind of relationship I dreamed we'd have. Then it sinks in for the millionth time that everything went wrong when I was 16 (although the abuse happened much earlier), and that I can never fix it nor even make sense of it.. I still remember the specific day that my mind (and my life) just changed. Come November 4, I'll have been lost for thirty years.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I'm glad I didn't know 25 years ago how bad the last 25 were going to be.

 

[katz]

I can remember sitting in my room on the floor -- I sit/sat there often. I was just telling myself that "this is life". I'm just sitting there and blaming myself for having this life. I can still see the picture of that poor little girl. (my memories are all from the 3rd person, looking down)

I really thought that when I grew up, it would all be gone and life would be wonderful..

 

[katz]

I fight with my wife constantly but can't seem to ever figure out who's to blame. Sometimes...

I can really, really understand the fighting part. My whole childhood was yelling and fighting. No wonder I don't like loud noises. I also learned and coped by "just shutting down". I just gave up the fight. I finally decided that it was better to lose then continue to fight.

I still do this some times, which is bad for an adult. It does make for some tough times with my spouse. There are times when I should stand up for myself and I don't. I just automaticly shut down. I go silent and I've been told that my face goes blank. Even though, inside, I can hear myself talking, but not saying out loud. It's almost like being afraid of what can happen if I say it.

 

[Kolten]

Well i do know one thing for sure. U don't have a pointless existence u are contributing to this world in many fashions in some way I am sure. The disability thing is definitely something i struggled with for 1.5yrs. I have had a diagnosis that long and just now brought myself to even apply for it. Do i need it? Yes. I believe at this point I see the sometimes debilitating effects of PTSD and how it prevents me from working. I have accepted that is what it is there for are honest legitimate people who are in need of help due to something they couldn't prevent. Would i rather be working? Yes. Can I in the future after recovery and healing? I think So. Its not out of my mind as a possibility anyway. Think of it this way...u apply and many professionals overview ur history to determine eligibility and it is not an easy process as u know. So if u didn't by all rights according to them deserve it u wouldn't have gotten it..u know?

Great topics to bring up by the way!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I thought, 25 years ago I was in an abusive relationship, self-harming, etc, and I still felt happier, less ill, more hopeful, more productive, than now. Pitiful. :(

 

[katz]

Well i do know one thing for sure. U don't have a pointless existence u are contributing to this world i...

I read about so many people on line that can't work. I look at myself and can't figure out why I have never stopped. I find that I will continue to work and push myself to the extreme in everything. I won't even give myself the forgiveness if I fail. I don't even give myself any self compassion.

I was out walking one day, I fell so hard--on concrete-- that I tore my jeans and broke my glasses. I remember getting myself up and being worried about my glasses being broke--not how I felt (or should feel). I just got up, looked around because I was embaressed that I had fallen. I just got angry at myself for breaking them, then went on with my day.

Another time, I was carrying a box of breakables down the stairs and I missed the last step, so that I fell on both knees at once, onto the concrete floor. I said "ouch" to myself and got up to be sure that I didn't break anything - in the box.

Some times I wish that I had the compassion for myself. I have just learned to ignore pain, whether it is physical or emotional and just push on. Like...."your feelings don't matter". "Just keep going." "This is how it is." "You have no choice'. "You can't change this"
"This is life." "you must live it, no matter what.'

 

[Kolten]

Well....best advice I have is easier said than done but essential in recovery. You can't hang on to the HOW u wound up where u are. Its what u are going to do with it in the here and now that matters. U keep ur chin up. U matter. Ur peace and happiness matter. Ur worthy and deserve a good life. U need to be ok with knowing all of that. Accept it and believe it and u can put one foot in front of the other until u get there. Small steps. Journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step right? Good luck my friend :)