What's Our Fault And What Isn't?

[PointlessExistence]

I have been working a lot on having compassion for my self, which I had none.

Out of blue I'll often realize that I've been hammering myself, that I've just been treating myself like garbage for days or even weeks, and then I'll feel sorry for myself and have compassion for myself. But it dissolves within a day. It's as if I'm just not allowed to have healthy feelings about myself. Once I realize I'm feeling good, I ask myself "What have you done to deserve that?", and I'm back to hating myself.

Interesting that you mention BDSM. I think beyond being a neutral behavior, it could possibly be very therapeutic if done correctly. I get to some very interesting places in my psyche when I fantasize. It's as if I'm unlocking some mysteries, coming across emotions and feelings I had from childhood, but I just can't get far enough with them. It's not something I would want to explore with my wife, and it's too expensive to justify spending money on a professional, but sometimes I wonder if indulging could get me farther along than psychotherapy.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does anyone else have that constant nagging feeling that maybe he/she can just be better if he/she were stronger or more motivated?

Every single day!

I also have an issue with every single tiny thing wrong is my fault. You trip over a curb because you were looking at your phone and its my fault for not warning you about the curb. Seriously. Its a struggle within my own mind constantly every single day.

What im trying to do is tap into the rational sude of my brain and mull it over whether its rational or a distortion. There are MANY distorted thinking patterns that I must over come. I was taught good was bad and bad was good my entire life and flipping that is not easy task. This site has helped a lot, my therapist helps the most but me mulling things over in my head and then asking when i cant seem to figure it out (usually here) is how ive been able to work some of those things out.

Theres a good thread about distorted thinking patterns that has really helped me: Name That Distorted Cognition (thought/perception)

I put the list in my diary and really studied it, and now starting to apply it and its really helped! Check it out!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Also, this site has helped me.

Link Removed

Not sure if it applies her but thought id share it just in case.

 

[sun seeker]

But what about things in a more gray area? What about the fact that I'm collecting disability payments for my psychological problems?

This is the deal as I see it. Someone who was abused as a child and goes on to abuse others is still being abusive and it's still not okay, regardless of the reason. It's not okay to hurt people. Period.

You collecting disability isn't hurting anybody. Whether you're lazy or not (I strongly suspect not) is a separate issue. When you're wondering whether something you're doing is okay? Ask yourself whether it's hurting anybody. If not, it's your life to live as you see fit.

 

[One step at a time]

Yes, I do. But in my case is more trying to decipher which choices I make because of child abuse fr...

Someone wise just told me: the trauma is not okay and never will be. It was part of your life, and it won't go away. But you will be okay someday.

I guess for me it was a helpful reminder of how I understand the boundary/interaction between my trauma and my "self"

 

[joeylittle]

at what point can supporters hold you accountable to being able to communicate like typical humans

At any point, anyone can ask anything of anyone else. Accountability is a more complicated issue, I think. Someone can hold me accountable for my doing something that they don't like - but if I don't care about it, myself, then it really is irrelevant.

In other words, people don't always do what we want them to do. You can believe that someone deserves to be called to account for their actions, but you can't expect them to actually engage with you about it if they don't see it the same way. So, I'd argue, what's the point in investing energy in it? It's like waiting for paint to dry in a humid room. Doesn't happen.

Does anyone else have that constant nagging feeling that maybe he/she can just be better if he/she were stronger or more motivated?

Yes, a thousand times, yes.

 

[Sandstone]

I can't decide how much of my behavior is PTSD and how much is laziness. Does anyone else feel that way?

Constantly. In the past I was used to putting my head down and charging at things. Now that doesn't work. Often I don't even have the energy to start the charge, and almost never to sustain whatever I have started

I know that I need to manage my time and allow myself lots of down time to recuperate, and I HATE it. But I have to accept that this is the only way I can get through. In the last few weeks I've become more able to accept that there will whole days when I can do nothing, but that the next day will probably be better, and simply accepting that has helped. I don't do any more, but I waste less time and energy on hating myself.

 

[Friday]

Does anyone else struggle with knowing what's your fault and what isn't in your current lives...

Isn't everything my fault? :shifty: If not, I can usually figure out a way to make it my fault. Just give me time!

In other words, yep.

Actually, not being able to trust my own judgement is hands down my number 1 problem, and what I hate the most about this disorder.

But I'm talking about knowing it wasn't your fault but being unable to decide what is currently your fault and what is a natural byproduct of your horrendous childhood.

This is in the Discussion Forum, instead of the Childhood Forum, which is why I'm answering it. Because I didn't have a horrendous childhood. In point of fact had a totally golden one. When PTSD is kicking my ass? My judgement goes out the damn window, right along with my self confidence, & the ability to trust myself.

What about the fact that I'm collecting disability payments for my psychological problems? I can't decide whether I deserve them or not. I can't decide how much of my behavior is PTSD and how much is laziness. Does anyone else feel that way?

Well, on the upside... I know it's not laziness... Because I don't collect benefits, disability, etc. Not from the military, state, etc. Never have. Doubt I ever will. As I'm not getting anything "from" having PTSD, there's no accompanying doubt that I'm making things worse than they are in order to get whatever it is I don't get. Things are as f*cked up as they are, because I'm as f*cked up and incapable as I am. That simple. I suck and can't handle life.

Does anyone else have that constant nagging feeling that maybe he/she can just be better if he/she were stronger or more motivated? I

Less nagging feeling, more absolute certainty / about as subtle as a lead brick. If I were stronger and more motivated? A helluva lot would be better. But I'm not. I'm also all I've got to work with. So it doesn't really matter how weak, broken, or f*cked up I am.

 

[Sideways]

Do I beat myself up with warped self-beliefs, like maybe I'm just lazy/malingering/useless/imagining it, etc etc? Yes. Any possible alternative that paints me as the bad guy, I'm there with bells on.

Do I remind myself constantly that I don't deserve anything good? No need, this belief is etched into my psyche so that I don't even need to remind myself - it's just there like a bad smell, all the time.

Do I like to over-emphasise my 'responsibility' for situations I've been in, rather than just 'accepting' (like accepting: I screwed up, I'm human and ergo perfectly imperfect, I have a troubled childhood which messes with my thoughts/behaviours/emotions and leaves me lagging behind the healthy adult norm in a multitude of ways)? Yes, yes I do. If there is a way that I can justify or amplify my self-loathing, then I'm going to lap up every last drop of it.

And do I rest assured that all those thjngs speak to the fact that I have fairly textbook cptsd? Yes, thank fk it's not just me.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you for the replies. Not only do I hear you having the same problems, but I've been re...

I've always heard the volunteering helps because it's not about you, it gets you outside of yourself. And that is what makes it so good. Maybe that is a way to look at it? That you are helping others and that's good?

 

[Ronin]

Isn't everything my fault? :shifty: If not, I can usually figure out a way to make it my fault. Just give me time!

:roflmao: I shouldn't laugh, but, so there.

In other words, yes. If it by chance so wasn't my fault then, it's very much in retrospect, back then didn't count as I juuust didn't think through well enough it's actually on me. By osmosis. And all the charms of the universe. False mirrors I so love to stare into are magic. :cautious:

 

[PointlessExistence]

I also have an issue with every single tiny thing wrong is my fault. You trip over a curb because you were looking at your phone and its my fault for not warning you about the curb...QUOTE]

Oh my God that's so relatable. My thinking is even more warped when it comes to confrontation and power exchange. If I assert myself, I feel like a bully and feel sorry for the other party. If I don't assert myself, I feel like a coward and failure. And it's not only in normal confrontation situations; it's constant. I walk by someone on the sidewalk, and I think "He didn't even move a little" and I feel like I was disrespected, or I think "Oh, he moved out of my way" and I feel bad for being callous. Sometimes I even think those diametrically opposed thoughts about the same incident. How can I blame myself for being the perpetrator and the victim AT THE SAME TIME?!?