Latecomer to this thread, so still catching up, (aka - please forgive if I'm veering off topic - I will keep reading) but this one from early on jumps out at me and I'll respond as a "Supporter" for my husband:
Without being a ass but at what point can supporters hold you accountable to being able to communicate like typical humans
My husband (undiagnosed complex-PTSD dissociative) is sometimes all over the map - including memory issues and the like. Not "all" of him always "knows" what the "rest" of him is doing. ... So not necessarily "being able to communicate like typical humans" seems to apply in our case. HOWEVER - some of this is dissociative, some of this is just honest-to-goodness either ONE of us misremembering things, and really for us it boils down to:
a) HE says I can QUOTE him to himself. So if I think I'm "holding him accountable" to something he's said, it's best to have it in writing (text message, whiteboard in his own handwriting, etc), or I usually end up having to "be wrong" .. and frankly, in our relationship, unless there's "proof" I feel I'm often having to just accept this.
b) AND he goes OUT OF HIS WAY to be TRUE to himself. So even if he's "wrong" in his misremembering, I really do try to give him the benefit of the doubt, cuz I know my memory ain't perfect either, and the fact of the matter is, he's more right than I am when it comes to this stuff. And I TRUST his HEART. So we BOTH just have to kind of have mercy for one another. Again, unless there's undeniable "proof" - a receipt, a timestamp, etc.
c) Even if there IS "proof" - we have a rule to BELIEVE THE BEST about each other - neither one of us is deliberately trying to screw the other, and we do GENUINELY believe this. So if there's a snafu, and "proof" to that effect? We never use this to rub the other's face in it - no matter what it is. And we ALLOW each other permission, if necessary (the "necessity" is rare), to show said proof without judgment or having to take offense to having misremembered. "No mistakes inside the relationship" - which is a rule for us that doesn't mean neither of us ever messes up, but rather that we have the FREEDOM to goof from time to time, but we still know at the HEART of the matter, the other MEANS well, and we'll both own our mistakes if/when the arise (cuz they do) :) Quick to forgive. At least
intending to never "blame."
d) As a Supporter, and I really wish this were true for ALL self-described Supporters!, I go OUT of my way to give him leeway, cuz I know he can't track things like I do. I really do hate it when he thinks he did a thing (like handed me a bill and why isn't this paid yet!?) and he has the whole chronology of the thing incorrect. But really, does it matter? Only to my pride. As long as the bill gets paid, does it matter? *sigh* No. But neither am I the only one having to occasionally swallow my pride and somehow take-it-on-the-chin. He KNOWS he's a bit unreliable in such things - we have agreed I am in charge of finances, for example, for this precise reason. I have better records, am better about taking care of documents, etc. So if push comes to shove, even if he is SURE he's right, and I'm SURE I'm right, and we differ? We eventually come to a place where we admit "FAULT" doesn't matter, what matters is the thing is taken care of. (So, this past weekend, he got a COPY of a misplaced bill so I wouldn't have to chase it down, gave the COPY to me, and I got the money order, and the thing is paid. LOL)
The main issue for us to work is HUMILITY and UNCONDITIONAL LOVE which includes being willing to be thought of as "wrong" on a thing .. where it becomes an issue is if he thinks there's a "trend" of my failings, and then I have (I think on 2 occasions in the whole 10 years we've been together?) to pull out "proof" .. but my only motive for doing this with any regularity would be to wound him just to elevate myself in his eyes, and why would I do that to him? If the "trend" he thinks he's seeing causes him to NOT TRUST me, or to "fear" my ability to "keep him safe" then I have a couple times "had" to "prove" that I AM keeping him/US safe. But as I parenthetically alluded to moments ago, this is RARE. Our CORE is unconditional love / mutual humility / believing the best about each other, etc.
I know the HEART of the man. This isn't a question merely of "intent" (I can TRUST him to INTEND WELL!), or even of "trust" (we have each proven ourselves to the other), but mainly of avoiding - to the degree it's possible - TRIGGERS. And PTSD or no, we both have them. And even then, we try to let GRACE have the final word. We're both broken/fallible in our own ways. "PTSD" is just INCIDENTAL to that.
And honestly, *sigh* .... If he ever is .. um .. "at fault" (in keeping with this thread topic)? If he KNOWS it, he is WAY harder on himself than I ever could or would wish to be. In fact, when he realizes a mistake, his "Grumpy" side is only TOO QUICK to internally and persistently ABUSE the rest of him on the subject (like - recently he's lost his main set of keys AGAIN, and "Grumpy" lets "Middle" know he's a DumbA$$ only WAY TOO FREQUENTLY cuz "Grumpy" TOLD him ALWAYS to hang the keys up in the same place, on the nail by the closet, and "Middle" forgot, and these keys seem to be lost forever :( ) ... WHY would I ADD to that? He's WAY harder on himself. I feel that MY job at that point becomes .. REASSURANCE. "It's ok, honey, I'm sure you lost them here on our own property (we're not VULNERABLE to some yahoo having found them at the gas station who can now break in, so we're BOTH unsafe!), cuz remember? That's what happened last time, you found them in the backyard when you tossed them on the ground. I'm sure we're fine, and besides, if someone really wanted to hurt us, they wouldn't need our keys to do it." Then it's over and over with the - Honey, did you hang the keys on the nail? ;) His "Middle" persona WANTS me to remind him at this stage, because it's way better for "all" of my man if I'm the one asking if I don't see the keys, cuz if he "switches" into "Grumpy," there's all kinds of self-abuse that ensues, and even "Grumpy" prefers I stay on top of the asking, cuz he'd rather be off duty, or "sleeping" as he puts it. ;)
And as a norm for us, I think he's actually better at "communicating" than average .. um .. "typical humans." :) My husband - PTSD or no - is not "typical" .. he's EXQUISITE! he's EXTRAORDINARY! and he's OH SO WORTH IT! :) And besides, I know my own pride needs to come down a few notches every now and again. ;)
We keep EACH OTHER in check, really. :inlove:
~WU
