What's wrong with me? :(

[BlueWeepingRose]

I'm exploding inside and I don't get that much support from my family. I was raped last July and the anniversary is coming up soon. My house is becoming full, my niece is here and my step sister is coming here soon. I'm feeling anxious and I can't seem to relax. I'm filled up anger and I have no idea why. Anytime I hear whispers, I just feel as if somebody is talking behind my back even if it's not true, I have social anxiety and low self-esteem before my ex-boyfriend abused me and raped me.

My mother wants me to move on and just "get over it" already. My younger brother doesn't honestly like me too much and refuses to talk to me. He uses the word "mental" around me knowing what I've been through and my mother can't honestly deal with my mood swings which I can understand. However, it makes me feel low and worse anytime this is mentioned. I wish I could honestly leave but I feel stuck.

I'm on disability and don't work at the moment cause of PTSD. I'm the bad one at this point cause I got angry whcih I know I shouldn't have but bottling all this up is killing me. I'm growing paranoid after abuse.

I was in an abusive relationship for a few years and I wish I could have gotten out of it, which my family thinks it's my own fault for going back to him. My ex is a Sociopath. :( Trust me when I say this, "I want to move on." "I hate being like this." "I wish I could just be happy." "I freaking hate this.... this anger that I feel and this sadness that I feel."

Waking up and going to sleep and just knowing my ex is with someone else and could possibly do it again. This angers me. This also frightens me beyond belief.... knowing he could rape another woman again. I wish I could have told the police but I couldn't. I can't talk to my mother, I can't talk to my younger brother or my step-father.... All I have is my therapist. That's all I have.

I shouldn't feel bad for myself but I do. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore. I don't know if I can. I'm trying to be strong but it's killing me. I'm so paranoid. Anytime I hear someone laughing, whispering or anything, I think it's about me. And anytime someone tries to mess with me, I don't think it's funny. I just grow so angry inside. What's wrong with me? Am I a messed up person? I used to be happy? What the hell happened to me?

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Nobody seems to respond to this.... :(

Can I get support here. I'm deeply depressed and keep crying. My anniversary is coming up.

 

[digger]

I'm so paranoid. Anytime I hear someone laughing, whispering or anything, I think it's about me. And anytime someone tries to mess with me, I don't think it's funny. I just grow so angry inside

Have you been able to share this with your therapist?

What's wrong with me? Am I a messed up person? I used to be happy? What the hell happened to me?

The short answer is, trauma happened to you.

It's hard when you've got people around you minimising what happened to you and expecting you to be the same as you were before, but it's simply not that simple.

How long have you been seeing your therapist for? Do you find them helpful?

 

[SilverLake]

You shouldn't allow your mind to set an "anniversary" for that; it doesn't deserve one. Instead, try setting up a day where you begin your recovery, and then have anniversaries for those. That way, you can focus on the progress you've made to overcome obstacles. However, this doesn't mean you "forget" what happened. No one, not even your family, can reasonably expect that. You have to focus on yourself, on getting to a better state. Don't let anyone's negativity stop you from taking care of yourself.

It's hard to let go of relationships, even the bad ones. Take your time with it. The most important thing is that you heal yourself to the point where you can go back to work one day and thereby gain a degree of independence. You'll be in different environments, meeting new people, and that will help you move past negativity from others in your life.

 

[Fadeaway]

@SilverLake I understand what you are aiming at, and it sounds good in theory. Unfortunately, even if one doesnt pay attention to the date, or doesnt connect a traumatic event to the cause of their PTSD, people still tend to become symptomatic around anniversaries.

I do like your idea of recovery anniversaries.

I have found it helpful in the past to schedule an active and distracting day, and other times I just want to sleep it off.

What do you feel you need this year? If you do make plans, know that it is ok not to stick to a plan that isnt working.

 

[IamFree]

It is unfortunate there is no culture of compassion in your family, may it be because they have issues of there own , not making any assumptions though. The sad truth is that sometimes when it comes to trauma for many reasons are familys are not the place were we can get the help we need from. It is still early days for you with this yet but its great your seeking support this early some people go through there whole lifes and never address anything. As well as your therapist is there anything else out there you can connect with such as a support group were you can meet trauma sensitive people or some hobby or passion you can turn into a therapeutic practice like yoga /art/ sport /dancing / e.t.c.
something to get you out of the house for a bit.

 

[SilverLake]

@Fadeaway That sounds like great advice, and it really fits in with me personally, since I actually am struggling with "life plans" at the moment. In my case, not much I do will likely solve the issue, but it's probably best that I move forward anyway.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you take steps to move out?

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

Yeah, I'm looking into moving out somehow, yet I'm still on disability and unable to work at the moment. I might take up an art class since it seems to be helping me. I got upset and angry because nobody in my family was supporting me and inside I was bottling my emotions in for so long since it was so hard for me to express it. It seemed anytime I tried to express anything to my family, they grew angry at me and I have no idea why. They expect me to simply move on and forget about it. It's very hard for me to go to sleep sometimes or even sleep on my back because I end up getting anxiety.

When I was sexually assaulted I was in a deep sleep and woke up, I couldn't move, I was paralyzed. My parents are not very supportive to my feelings at all, so I've been only talking to people who I trust and I post on here when I need too. As for the anniversary, yes that sounds like a very good idea. It happened last year of the month of July.

I will look for support groups and ask my therapist for a few that I can go through. This whole time my friends have been very supportive of me. I don't expect them to check up on me every single day but they told me I can come to them when I need too and they do help. I just hope I'm not a bad person and that people can understand how I feel. It's taken me a very long time to express this to anyone cause it's very hard for me to face sometimes. My therapist is helping me with that right now.

 

[Strangelongtrip]

Hello @BlueWeepingRose, I’m sorry to hear you’re o feeling well. Everyone’s given great advice. I just want you to know I’ve been through a similar thing, a much shorter time but it still impacts me three years later. I have a few anniversary dates in the summer and it’s really hard to get through them. I often find doing something fun with my hair helps, it makes me associate a new self image that wasn’t present during the trauma.

As for the fear that he’ll do it again, I understand that. The girl he was with after me actually contacted me to make sure she wasn’t going crazy because he was doing the same things. I told her no, he’s a psychopath, and encouraged her to get out. She actually brought him up in court because he stole her dog and she won. Made me so happy, and now I believe it’s on his record. I felt a lot of guilt for what happened to her because I never reported anything and I also didn’t remember most of the sexual abuse until about 18 months later. But that’s putting the responsibility on us, on her, on me, on you. Think about what you would say to a friend who’s gone through something similar, and apply that to yourself. The abuser and rapist is responsible for their crimes.

I’m really hoping you’re doing okay and I’m glad your friends are there for you!

 

[AverageBear]

I understand, and even suffer along with you, during trauma anniversaries. Mine caused suffering over the decades no matter how much I ignored the calendar. Internally, biologically, physiologically, my traumas have always been linked to a calendar no matter what I did or didn't do.

Your July date is right ahead of my August car wreck anniversary that reignited my previously well-treated PTSD. I feel for you, and I'm new to this forum but not new to PTSD. I wish.

Acknowledging the reality of anniversaries seems to be a typical part of trauma's impact on us, whether we want to admit it or not. So you're better off keeping your eyes wide open and acknowledging the anniversary, because our bodies are going to do it whether we consciously acknowledge it or not. That has been my experience for decades.

P.S. TAKE THE ART CLASS!!!! That has kept me alive before and is doing it right now. I hope you lose yourself in a creative process of some sort, and find a measure of healing :)