When Do You Give Up On A Friend?

[Heather]

Since I've been on disability I have very few friends. A woman I worked with (Anna), we ran into each other last summer and traded numbers. I told her I'd call her and we'd get together, she agreed.

I've made plans with her in the last 7 month FIVE different times and each time she cancelled. Sometimes the day before, sometimes 20 minutes before and even one time left me sitting there for 20 minutes before she called to say she wasn't coming.

Every time there is a different excuse/reason. So, I finally had enough and deleted her phone number from my cell.

She called last Friday and asked if I wanted to get together with her today. I was skeptical and told her so. I even went as far as saying, "I love you anna but you keep canceling on me". She promised she wouldn't. My daughter told me, "mom are you serious?" "I bet you 10 bucks she cancels".

I wake up and looked at my phone. She texted me and CANCELLED AGAIN! I couldn't believe it. I was so mad I called her. She was very apologetic but I told her enough is enough.

I deleted her phone number AGAIN.

It leaves me wondering if she ever really wanted to be friends in the first place....something else is always more important. After all the shit I've been through the past month and a half. I don't need this.

I AM DONE.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with you, be done.

 

[Heather]

I agree with you, be done.

Yes, I need people in my life that I can count on. She's proven she's not one of them.

 

[Chava]

I will admit to giving up on people too quickly. This? YES. And I would have given up on the 2nd cancelation. If a pattern like this? She has other shit going on, most likely. Maybe you run into her at some group events. But don't put energy into this relationship because she clearly isn't willing to get her shit together just enough to show you that you even matter.

I also am the one who easily cancels because of my own strong avoidance tendencies. I don't expect others to put up with my shit. But I actually work against that by seriously committing...just to fewer things and fewer people. I had a friend like this a long time ago who sort of dragged everyone around. She collected a bunch of "friends" but could stay connected to none of them. She had her own stuff to work on. I actually stayed in touch with her lightly, but let go of expectations of her or the friendship. that helped a lot. But she was still fun to hang out with.

Maybe, if it's worth it, again tell her how hard it is to be canceled on like this...and if you do still want to see her at some point, arrange (without explaining to her and giving her an easy out) to meet at a coffee shop or shopping area where you could enjoy yourself just fine on your own if she doesn't show up. Or...just be done and know you tried and gave her a very fair shot.

 

[Anrish]

I agree with you. There's a limit of how far one can be fooled. ...if you were important to her, she would have made it possible somehow. ...but I think the way she treats you is disrespectful. Don't get her number again.

 

[Heather]

@Anrish. I have decided that I am completely done with her. Everything and everyone else is more important.....her actions have proven that. If she contacts me again, I have no problem telling her that I like her very much but don't trust that she'll show.

Not worth keep getting disappointed/hurt.

But I really would like to hang out with her. I need a friend. Very disappointed.:(

 

[shimmerz]

I am really trying hard (and it is getting easier) to believe that actions speak much louder than words.

 

[Heather]

I am really trying hard (and it is getting easier) to believe that actions speak much louder than words.

Yes, I am learning this too. People can talk all they want but it's their actions that tell their true character.

 

[Chava]

But I really would like to hang out with her. I need a friend. Very disappointed

That's the hard part. I had one "friend" who had moved to town and was committing to way too much, collecting hundreds of possible new friends for herself. I really liked her and we seemed to have great conversations. But in the end, she just wasn't reliable at all and it wasn't worth it for me to try to keep connected at all. But I was disappointed. And it hurt. What's hard for me is that this stuff always makes it harder for me to even keep trying because I already avoid relationships so badly. I also sometimes wonder if I've been a magnet for the unreliable people I couldn't actually have a relationship with anyway. :( But still confusing and hurtful.

Agree with @Anrish that she has been disrespectful, even if she hasn't meant it...that's how it is at some point. And it's really good to know we can have our own boundaries, even if it also means having to accept feelings of disappointment sometimes.

 

[penbo]

Since I've been on disability I have very few frie

A good friend would never do tat quit trying

 

[Heather]

@penbo Yes, I think I finally get the message she is indirectly sending.

 

[anthony]

When do you give up on a friend? Well... maybe the more logical question is -- when do you respect yourself and your own needs?

You haven't given up, she is the failing part of the friendship. Worse... you're beating yourself up and its affecting you negatively. When do you put your needs first?