Relationship When Do You Share What A Sufferer Shares With You

[Justmehere]

@Linden I'm glad you know I don't mean any offense. Just giving feedback. :)

I actually reached out to his closest family member once before she I felt I had little choice, but that backfired a little because those relationships are fraught with complications.

I'm not sure I follow... she felt you had little choice? about what?

Either way, I'm not sure even a very supportive and healthy family member could do much more than what you could do.

It sounds like he may be turning to you for advice and input about things he needs to be turning to his therapist for. You clearly are someone he turns to for support at times. This might be a time for you to reduce contact or increase your own limits until he gets more help via therapy, and isn't having these dangerous blackout episodes anymore. If he doesn't have you as an outlet, he might be more willing/compelled to turn to his therapist and tell someone himself.

 

[Linden]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts and insight… and most especially, your concern for my own well-being. I recognize that this is not exactly a normal situation, if it were I wouldn't have mentioned the unique characteristics of this relationship/friendship/what-have-you. But I felt it was important information to convey in the scheme of determining what (if anything) to tell any outside party (whether family or authority). I fear that in the amount of detail I provided, most of you got hung up on the relationship portion of my query, which is entirely understandable.

But trust that I value myself as well as most people and do not define myself by how I fulfill someone else's needs. Believe me, my sense of self-worth is not tied to what this guy thinks. I know he's broken. I know he doesn't have a lot of places he feels he can go. I make sure he is aware I am a safe person to turn to, but not necessarily the person to turn to. But I do care for him very deeply. I care about what happens with him. No, there's never been a face-to-face so in that sense we're strangers, but we do connect as though we've known each other forever. We connect intellectually and spiritually. Not all our conversations are about this or even us.

Is it fantasy? I suppose from my perspective there's an element of fantasy to it, some of which I'm sure would be shattered in the period of discovery that comes once two people actually spend time together. But then, all relationships start out that way… you find someone attractive, you may even be smitten after a single date and then over time some of the warts come out and you start to compromise over which ones you're okay with and which ones you aren't. I'm a pragmatist and a realist at heart. I'm not expecting things to be like they might be in my head... I'm just eager to find out. Whether it's just a fantasy from his perspective… that is the question I can't answer, but it is one I've posed to him on more than one occasion (remember, "figment").

@Meadowsweet, I agree with you that he is running away out of fear rather than abusing… even though a consequence of that is to express his love in the form of control. (Cuz there's less to fear if you can control the outcome.)

Once again, THANK YOU to everyone for your thoughts.

 

[Meadowsweet]

He is not in control of this though Linden, but you are. You met him whilst he was in a very vulnerable place (in the abusive relationship) and helped him out, but that means that at the moment, you are perhaps more culpable for making responsible choices regarding the fantasy situation.

 

[Hashi]

There are things the police can do because they know about other relevant agencies and can refer you to talk to them or they can involve them if needed. They could talk to his therapist, if they thought that was appropriate. It also brings some external accountability.

It sounds like your sufferer is struggling to accept that this has happened but he needs to. I would worry that even though he could take steps himself, he may well not take them. Even if the police take no action, the fact that they've been informed makes it more real and reinforces the seriousness.

Having told you, he can disappear and remove himself from someone knowing about it. You don't know whether he's told his therapist or not. Like I said, you can give him the option of telling someone himself. He could tell his therapist, or provide confirmation that he already has (such as giving his therapist permission to confirm this to you). Someone else needs to know about this, though. From what you say, I doubt he's going to deal with this himself. I would also doubt that this is something that will only ever happen once.