When Down, Pile More On

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I woke up this morning determined to get things done. To participate in life and try my best to make it a good day. Things started off okay. I actually ate breakfast which is a pretty big accomplishment these days. (I have been eating much lately due to nausea.) Then, we got in the car as a family to drive to church.

My older son (he's five) probably has an ear infection because his behavior was atrocious. I was very triggered by his behaviors. His bad behavior makes me feel unsafe because of my own childhood. I was getting so frustrated by his behaviors. I ended up going into the bathroom and crying when we got to church. And I felt like a horrible mom because I can't handle my own son. But I thought that I was silly and forced myself to go back.

During the service we lit candles in remembrance of those who have passed and been "saints" of the church. I lit one for my Nana. I cried. And then we sang a song that reminded me that God is supposed to love us all and I cried more. Then, there were sirens and I was immediately brought back to the car accident scene. I couldn't stop it. And the sermon just brought back the fragility of life all over again. And I cried more. The last song said "Oh, how he loves you and me" and I cried even more because I don't feel like anyone loves me. The pastor asked me how I was after the service and I said not good. I hid back in the sanctuary while others had coffee fellowship because I was afraid to cry where people would see me. My pastor came and prayed with me before we left and she asked God to help me know that I was loved. Her words were perfect and I felt slightly better.

But then we got back in the car and my son's behavior was horrible. He triggered me so much that I was fighting not to switch (I have DID) to my angry part. She came out and yelled at him and I think she may have lightly hit him to keep him from hitting his brother. My son was saying mean things and reprimanding me. I dug my fingernails into my head to keep myself from switching again. I almost got out of the car and walked the rest of the way home even though it is horrible weather outside. And I wondered why when things get rough, God piles more on. (In my core beliefs I don't really believe that, but it's my reaction in the moment.) When we got home, I came and hid. I have loud music on to drown out any noise. I am calmer now, but I feel like if I go out I will just make things worse. I hate that I am not strong enough to be a good mother. I just want to be alone. I keep thinking things will get better, but sometimes I wonder- is this how it will always be?

 

[Jane.l]

Do you think it might be that your son is picking up on your anxiety and that's effecting his behaviour? My daughter was behaving really badly last week at her brothers party ( which is very unusual for her) and my T suggested that maybe she was picking up on my distress - it was a very difficult situation for me - with my ex and my family and I think she was feeling my 'state' and couldn't deal with it - just a thought.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you think it might be that your son is picking up on your anxiety and that's effecting his behaviour?

I suppose that could be. I also think he may have an ear infection because consistently over the years the only symptom he presents of an ear infection is escalated behavior. He says his ears don't hurt though so maybe you are onto something.

 

[SpikeBall]

have you tried anger management/stress control techniques? Like mindfulness-taking time to label your thoughts (im having a thought, he is so bad!)-listen to the background sounds, feel your feet on the ground, etc. sometimes helps-or you could look up other techniques that are better suited to you if you think it might help

 

[Leigh925]

The last sentance of the last email I sent my therapist said...."when will God decide that I have had enough?"

Logically I know I am not being punished but there are somedays I feel like just looking upward and screaming "seriously?"

I remember when I was younger hearing a song about angels that watched over you at bedtime and realizing that either I didn't get angels or the ones watching out for me sucked. How could they let those things happen to me? It was just easier to believe that I didn't deserve angels.

I felt quite piled on myself last week. Ignored my children and hid in my closet. They are much older but I realized I was doing to them what had been done to me by my mentally ill mother.

So I am not going to be mother of the year this year....but I am going to focus on the fact that even though there are days that I suck as a mom there are actually other days where also because of my life experiences I am a damn fine mom.

By getting help I am showing my kids...the cycle stops with me.... I am breaking it but it will my children that stops it all together! That gives me hope to get through the crap for one more day.

Your children may see you struggle but they will also see you working hard to fix it and I actually think that matters a lot.

I do have issues from being raised by a mother with mental health challenges but i have zero bitterness because I saw how hard she fought. I actually have more issues with my dad he was mentally stable...just didn't try at all. A mom who continues to fight for her wellness will eventually be rewarded with understanding children...even if they have been hurt.

Hang in there! Better days ahead.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs to all who accept them! I hate that saying "God only gives you what he thinks you can handle" or words to that effect. Enough! I can't handle any more! (And then I go and deliberately take on more... sigh!)

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

have you tried anger management/stress control techniques?

I'm usually too busy trying not to switch personalities. I suppose some strategies would help with that, but it gets complicated. Thanks for the suggestions.

I remember when I was younger hearing a song about angels that watched over you at bedtime and realizing that either I didn't get angels or the ones watching out for me sucked. How could they let those things happen to me? It was just easier to believe that I didn't deserve angels.

Oh, I totally get that. I decided that I just don't believe in angels. My therapist tried to have me look at angels as guides and comforters, but I still just skip the angel bit altogether. So much of what you said in your message was perfect. Thanks for responding and the reassurances.

I hate that saying "God only gives you what he thinks you can handle" or words to that effect. Enough!

Yep, I hate that, too. And I hate when I feel like I've met the limit and more happens. Thanks for your response!