When Easy Things Are Hard In Therapy

[Panda Bear]

Eye contact has always been an issue, but T never presses it...ever. In fact, if I'm keen in constant eye contact with him, we're likely in for a rough session. When I'm locking his eyes, I'm protesting and digging in my heals and being all walled up. "Oh....it's going to be one of those days?"

If I'm off and lacking in eye contact, it means I'm thinking and settling in to do the work ahead. When I'm done thinking, or ready to move to the next subject, I'll lock his eyes again.

When I'm totally lost and having a flash black or stuck, he'll then seek my eye contact as means to get me back. But that's the only time he presses the issue, when it's a safety concern. Why is it so important...the eye contact?

We always sit in the same spot....he doesn't move with out telling me first.

 

[watundah]

That sounds like you have good body awareness.

Eye contact builds connection. I think if you are being spoken to or listened to by someone who is not making eye contact, it feels as though they aren't actively engaged, listening or interested. Not true for trauma survivors, but who can tell?

I also think your post points out how important it can be in communicating. ;)
It is a valuable tool.

 

[Missycat]

Outiside of T i can look people in the eye and communicate confidently and in my job i do this regularly.
In T i do struggle with eye contact and i fidget and play with my fingers all the way through the session. I spend most of the time focused on the door. She sits at an angle to me and moves closer when doing emdr and i am comfortable with this. She commented that after an productive emdr session i actually looked at her and i was more relaxed.
I can see from reading others posts that we all have similar behaviours , @C j , the slouching teenager resinates with me and @jaccat , i felt like you had observed me in a session lol
@watundah , if you dont feel comfortable speaking directly to her you could consider @scout86 idea of approaching it as an experiment maybe or how do you feel about emailing her / messaging her before the session?

 

[amosmorris]

Oh, yes to all that's here...eye contact with T is very difficult for me--I do it but can't seem to hold it--and she never will be the one to break it. I agree that what I can't handle when I look at her is how she looks at me--with great affection and care. She sometimes, when she's thinking/trying to formulate her thoughts, will close her eyes for a few seconds and this is like a breather for me!

As for positioning in the space--she sits at an angle from me. I think I'd like her to sit more directly across from me, though I don't know. We have this awkward dance at the end of the session where sometimes she stands up and kind of walks me out/opens the door for me (in which case I dash!) and other times she just sits there as I make my awkward bee-line for the door. I think sometimes I feel this too-big physical distance--like I'm on the couch and she's over there in the chair...the idea of sitting on the floor really seems like it'd destabilize the roles in some way that could be positive, but that would not be my T's style. But we had a pretty intense session this week and she was leaning far forward towards me, and I was aware of that...and I do think it brought me a sense of connection, not freak out...It's fascinating (and painstaking) how--it's just so true--every little thing is "a thing" in the therapy room! Yikes...

 

[Enaila]

I always position myself in seat furthest away from the door, which does happen to be near T. What I have been wanting to do since I started seeing her over three years ago, is sit on the floor huddled away from door. The last two visits to her, I have felt/heard my inner child pleading with me not to go down the hall, like a child begging not to go to the dentist.

I have tried, once, to sit in one of the other two chairs, but was unsuccessful. I start to rub fingers or scratch hands when issues get tough. My T calmly reminds me to use my bracelet.

As far as eye contact, I avoid it unless I'm challenging something she has said. When I flash, I look up and always off to right side. I struggle to ground myself by looking to see what color shoes she has on.

 

[amosmorris]

As I think about my own dance of anxiety/fear/awkwardness in the therapy room space, I can see the humor all while thinking I just wish it could be funny for real and not so damn painful! Though I wouldn't in real life/body, I could for sure imagine curling in a ball on the floor in the corner somewhere--certainly that's what position I'm in in my own head! I suppose I wish, if I'm being truly honest--and now I say this but don't know that'd it'd actually work in practice as I could all-out panic--that my T would sit directly across from me and hold my hands while we talked, as a way of keeping me in this orbit. But that is not something I'd ever say or ask for, like, ever. So instead I bet she's playing a guessing game too around how to orient herself to me.

Another great phenomenon that comes to mind as you mention, @Enaila, looking at your T's shoe color: it's almost impossible for me to remember what my T wore after any given session, what colors, anything. After 18 months with her I'm barely able to call up her face in my mind when I'm not there, despite the fact that I'm narrating to her in my own head throughout the week. When I was there recently I mentioned to her how I'm always struck by the fact that I seem to stare at her books constantly, but can't commit a single title to memory. I said it's probably better, as if I could I'd probably read them. And she was like--yeah--probably better, they're all pretty sad. The shelf is full of books on trauma therapy. No wonder my brain refuses! ;)

 

[Enaila]

@amosmorris I, too, have read all the titles of books on my T's desk, as well as counted the leaves on her fern picture (another grounding technique I use), read the little sayings taped to a file, and noticed where everything is in the room. Like you, I couldn't tell you the names of the books, or remember a single saying, nor the number of leaf fronds on the fern in the picture. I just figure it is unimportant information and if I remember, then what will I use for grounding next time? LOL. Just kidding...My mind just moved too quickly for me to keep the information I think. I only remembered the shoe color as I used talking about her shoes to avoid an intense memory, but since session was almost over, she allowed the avoidance.

 

[Suzetig]

I wonder if they go through the same in their own therapy sessions

I'm reliably informed that yes, they do. Mine has always been open about her returning to therapy when she feels the need and that she finds her process every bit as difficult as I find mine. I know a few other therapists who also talk about how difficult they find their own therapy - so I don't feel bad about needing what I need, struggling with eye contact, hating it when something changes in the room etc. Apparently it's all part of it!

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

One thing I've learned is that I have excellent eye contact when listening, but look away when talking.

That's a normal, healthy sign of introversion. Extroverts do exactly the opposite; they look others in the eyes while talking but then turn their eyes away when listening.

The difference in practice all has to do with how we process our thoughts while speaking and listening. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

 

[One step at a time]

After 18 months with her I'm barely able to call up her face in my mind when I'm not there, despite the fact that I'm narrating to her in my own head throughout the week.

This was so true for me for such a long time. And after reading your post, I am suddenly realizing that today, it isn't true. I think I am slowly becoming able to stay a bit more present, even during our meetings... progress!

 

[watundah]

Trust can be so elusive. I was challenging my T a lot for a long time and making her prove her self. She almost always came through (allowing space for the human factor). It will get better, stick with it.

 

[expectingbetter]

I think you should tell her you would prefer sitting on the floor again if that is what makes you comfortable or what ever it is go for it. I am sure she would let you and that our therapists are doing their best to make us feel comfortable.

I feel the safest on the floor too, and I got enough courage to ask mine T to sit there after maybe two months of weekly sessions, all the time since then I sit there and she got me two pillows even to make me more comfy. :whistling:

I don't think that your inner child would be an obstacle to speak for yourself, I see that completely opposite, the children usually have more courage to ask what they need than adults who are too worried not to act stupid or needy or they are simply shy. I really think that even if you feel like your inner child is more dominant at your therapy that it also deserves to get what ever it needs to be able to feel safe, and the arrangement in the therapy room is really important. I couldn't have confessed anything until I started feeling better while sitting on the floor.:cool:

As for the eye contact, not all introverts try to avoid it, I am a complete introvert but my therapist has the most calming eye contact I have ever seen and she shows me the enormous compassion and understanding in her eyes that I love watching her directly in the eyes and maybe I am one of very rare cases that I asked her to look me in the eyes telling her how big healing impact that has on me.:geek:

I wish you could see your T eyes as only comforting and not judging as I think those people who chose the psychotherapy to be their call are really those who don't judge and who can understand everything.:happy: