Supporter When Is Help An Interference....please Help Me Draw My Line..

[Bim]

I've been going out with a combat PTSD sufferer for more than 2 months now... and what I expected to happen is gradually taking it's course- he is slowly drifting to his own world where he wants to be alone most of time, not talking to anybody, no physical activity, and only eats one meal a day most of the time - and it's not even a decent meal. These past 2 weeks he's almost always asleep. And "hanging out" means watching him with his eyes half closed the whole day. I cannot bear to watch him like this, although I don't have any idea how active he was before we met, I just don't think this is normal. Next week he is scheduled to see his T... He told me he wants me to come too. That's when I started thinking this might be a good break for me to speak up a little about my own observations of his behavior to his T.

Since we started our relationship I always make it a point to call him to ask if he took his medicines, I my weekends off I go to his apt and we cook food and have it ready anytime he wants to eat during the week, organize his stuff and do things together. Then again, during the week when I'm not with him ( I don't see him monday to Friday ) cuz of work, he quickly drifts back to his world where everything is done in his sleep. Until I come again on the weekends.

Now what I want to know is IF I am allowed to talk to his T about my observations of him too? I really think I could be of help if I can talk to his T...am I stepping out of my limits as a partner? He told me once that he doesn't really want to talk about his issues 100% to his T cuz he feels "embarrassed". I asked him one time what are his triggers and he said YOU right away, without a wink. I love him. And I'm prepared to do what it takes to help him. I know I have to do more. I need to do more.

I am typing this from my phone and I'm in a kids' park so please pardon me if some of my thoughts are misplaced.
All kinds of reaction I welcome with gratitude :)

 

[digger]

I would start with asking him what he hopes to get from you being at the session with his T, presumably he's wanting you to go for a reason, and ask him what he is comfortable with you discussing there.

 

[Justmehere]

He told me once that he doesn't really want to talk about his issues 100% to his T cuz he feels "embarrassed". I asked him one time what are his triggers and he said YOU right away, without a wink. I love him. And I'm prepared to do what it takes to help him. I know I have to do more. I need to do more.

I can tell that you really care about him quite a bit.

Why do you feel like you need to do *more*?

He will tell his therapist about the issues he is embarrassed about when the pain of his symptoms are greater than the pain of his embarrassment. In my opinion, you are doing so much that the amount of help you are giving could actually be unintentionally be contributing to him being just comfortable enough in his symptoms that he doesn't need to tell the therapist himself.

You can tell the therapist, and that may help the therapist help him, but when it comes down to it, he isn't going to get better until he is ready and seeks the help himself.

There are alarms that can remind him of his meds - even fairly inexpensive machine dispense the correct amount, (just google med minder), there are meal delivery services if he is too disabled from PTSD to cook, etc. I don't think he actually needs you to do everything that you are doing.

I think the best way you can help him is to not help him quite so much. This is a very hard thing to do - to let someone you care about so deeply hit their own rock bottom and it wrestle through symptoms.

Also, it might be the case that even he is realizing you are too close too fast, by doing so much for him. I don't really know. I would be triggered myself of two months into a relationship someone was doing so much for me. Such closeness would be overwhelming to me.

I could be totally off the mark, these are just my thoughts.

 

[Bim]

...I thought so too before, that I was going too close so fast. But then he never failed to appreciate it and told me it makes him feel good about himself and our relationship...

I am myself in the medical field so maybe that's one factor that he trusts me. Just maybe. But then I realize just now that he could be keeping his being "overwhelmed" from me too, like he does from his therapist.

You gave me ideas to ponder @Justmehere ... Thank you

 

[nursenurse]

You may care for him, deeply, in fact, but do not confuse this kind of warm fuzzy with love. Just what are you getting out of it? Someone you cook for, whom you remind to do things, whom you mother? Take PTSD out of the equation. Is this who and what you see yourself with for the rest of your life? Love takes time to develop and nurture.

It is good that he is in therapy. That much he is doing for himself. If he is tired all the time, half asleep, as you seem to describe, there may be other reasons which need to be explored.

Leave him alone during the week. Let him call you, attend to his own needs. How much can you tell his therapist? Really, you are there as his guest, it is his session and not yours. You answer questions truthfully when asked, you observe, you don't cut in and be on the defensive.

Anyone's red flags would or should be up when one takes over the care of another, and/ or becomes serious too soon. PTSD makes it worse. Step back and give him space.

 

[atthree]

I'm bad on the medication. Not sure if the sleeping is a time that he is reflecting on the past, which is good and bad. He sounds like he is ready to move on and start a new the best he (we all) can.

PS:Our conscience always has the best of us all in heart.

 

[Hashi]

I really think I could be of help if I can talk to his T...am I stepping out of my limits as a partner?

Are you really a partner? Is he a partner to you? It sounds like you've been a caregiver since the beginning of the relationship, as well as monitoring him and now wanting to share your observations, it makes him sound more like a patient to you.

I agree with @Justmehere. I'm afraid I think you're at risk of enabling him. I think you should take your cue from what's requested in the therapy session. I'm curious about why he's asked you to go. You can't do this for him, he has to do it for himself. Including taking more responsibility for himself, which he's unlikely to if he doesn't have to.

Do you have therapy yourself? If this is how your relationship has been from the start and you feel compelled to do more, then I'd gently suggest exploring that in terms of what it means for you rather than what it means for him. For him, the short answer I would give is that yes, it would be interference. I think there's also a longer question about why you feel so driven to take care of him in this way and still feel you have to do more. I think it would be good to look at that beyond explaining that you love him, because loving someone can also mean stepping back at times, and having your own needs met too.

 

[Bim]

@nursenurse that's why I felt the need to help more because I don't want to be with the kind of person he is now - I thought with perseverance maybe I can help bring out the best if him...

@Hashi ...I don't see why I should be in therapy... Now it makes me wonder of the level of love vs compassion
Thank you guys... I may have lot to think about after reading your comments but I know I will reach a conclusion. Thank you so much.

 

[Justmehere]

But then he never failed to appreciate it and told me it makes him feel good about himself and our relationship...

He probably does really appreciate it, and it may very well make him feel good -but I'm sure you can appreciate as someone who works in the medical profession that not everything that feels good and is appreciated is actually healthy.

I think what people are picking up on and suggesting therapy to look into is that you already have a job as a "helper" and yet seem awfully driven to help more - you are dating someone who you can help too - and so quickly in the relationship. Often people feel very strong needs to help someone when they are trying to distract from their own pain.

@nursenurse that's why I felt the need to help more because I don't want to be with the kind of person he is now - I thought with perseverance maybe I can help bring out the best if him...

Staying in a relationship because you hope the person will change into who you want them to be is rarely a good idea. It is frankly not very fair to you or him.

Not everyone with PTSD gets better, and as symptomatic as he is, he likely has a long road to recovery. Also, with PTSD, things tend to get worse before they get better.

The best thing a long term supporter in relationship with someone with PTSD can do is to get support for themselves. It is a difficult and rough road for supporters and suffers.

I also think talking to any therapist for just some feedback about your need to help and/or change him would be a good idea. It doesn't mean you are bad or that you are the problem.

One thing to think about in regards to therapy - how would you feel if you didn't help him at all, not one bit, but stayed in relationship with him? Would you feel anxious at all? If so, you may be caught in a codependent pattern of relating. It's quite common for people in helping professions. (I struggle with it myself sometimes.)

*edited to fix a typo

 

[intothelight]

Hi Bim,

Welcome to the forum! :)

You've been given a lot of things to think about from the feedback on this thread, but ultimately, only you know what attracted you to this relationship. Ask your boy friend why he wants you to go to the therapist appointment with him, and then just take it from there. Also take an inventory of what attracted you to him and what you need from a relationship. Keep those in mind as a healthy relationship includes the needs and wants of both people.

There is also a fine line between supporting and enabling. When someone is seriously depressed, there is a higher level of care, but as they improve, back away and let them take greater responsibility for their own care. There are things that people choose to do that are different that what we would do, and there has to be a level of acceptance just to love and let them be themselves.

I hope you find the information here helpful.

Debbie

 

[duff]

Have you taken enough time/effort to care for yourself in the middle of this? It sounds like you are an incredible support to him, but I'm worried about you, too!! There is a lot of good feedback in this thread for you, but my overall concern is if you are getting what you need in your life, from him or otherwise.

 

[shimmerz]

I have to say that I had a male friend of mine 'take care of me' when there was nobody else too. He did so willingly and I tried to let him off the hook over and over again but he wanted to help. He felt that I could be more. I am now more (and not dead) because of this man whom I am still very good friends with but have moved on so that he can get on with his life as I saw some burnout coming his way and I cared about him too much to not set him free. He still reminds me to take my meds but not always. I have cut down the conversations we have and don't dump on him with issues going on. It is only fair. He has done his time. \

What we didn't have was a 'relationship' as I knew I was not capable of one. I had severe symptoms. I suggest that you put your ideas of being a partner to this man on the back burner and see if you still want to help to teach him how to help himself. If not, then I think you are walking into a ticking time bomb emotionally for yourself. If you do want to help still as a friend, help him to help himself (which will take much time) but as a friend who cares. Wait until he is showing signs of improvement before you throw more of yourself into this. Just my humble thoughts.