When It's Too Late

[Sailorgal]

I just joined this site and sooo grateful that this forum is here. Here is my story....

I was a happy, independent, strong woman when something trumatic happened to me by an ex nf last year causing PTSD. Earlier this year I met a wonderful guy, not planning or wanting a relationship. It happened. We fell in love. He was completely dedicated to me.

Over time, my ptsd came out more and more. I had trust issues already. This took it to a cosmic level!!!! I became the abuser...

I started to recognize what was happening-my lashings out at him, excessively crying and being emotional....i also nearly killed myself a few times. His patience wore thin and we are now completely over.

The sad part is one of the earlier times we broke up, I woke up from it. All this time, I was really numb to how I felt about him. Many times I barely remembered the fights. In fact, as I try to reflect, i can hardly believe it was me.
However, as much as we tried to make it work, any little thing from me was as detrimental as everything previously.

He no longer believes I will get any better. He believes I will never change. As much as I try to explain to him and have told him we need counseling together (in addition to my own), he has given up.

As much as I am better, this also has driven another deep gash in my heart. I know its for the best especially for him but he was someone I really trusted. He said he wouldnt give up on me but he did. Im trying not to go down the "i hate him for abandoning me" road.

If he said the damage was too much, i can understand. But to say im never gonna get better??!! He even admits not being able to understand what its like to be in an abusive relationship. So how can he say he can never see us together unless he really believes im damaged goods forever?

I've had nothing but horrible relationships all my life--liats and cheaters...he has been nothing but wonderful to me. But sadly, even if you do improve, people will give up on you. You only have yourself. It is a lonely world. He couldnt understand why I was such a private person...well this is exactly why....

Just waiting for my feelings for him to fade....

 

[HollyB]

My heart breaks for you. A good friend of mine is going through something very similar right now with her (ex?) BF, and in all honesty, as a supporter/carer, I hate him for how he's responded to her and the things he's said to her - very similar to what yours said to you. Maybe it's because I've educated myself (or tried to, anyway) as much as possible about PTSD, and I get the sense that he has not... but I want to kick him in the balls with my stiletto. I do.

Big hugs to you.

 

[Sailorgal]

Thanks Hollyb!!!!

It's great you have educated yourself about it. Had I known this forum was here months ago, it would've made a huge difference.

Sorry to hear your friend is going through the same thing. Ummm, I got stilettos for you!!! And an extra pair for myself. ;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for the break up. I hope reconcialiation happens for you. You are an amazing person. You are very strong and smart. I wish I had this forum years ago, it would have spared me so much heartache and grief.

But better late than never. Keep on getting better. Miracles sometimes happen. Rooting for you. Hugs.

 

[scorpio2012]

Wow, that's pretty much my same story as well. I too wish I had run into this forum months ago, it would have done wonders for me, spared me much grief. It would have helped me understand what my bf was dealing with. I've learned a ton from every post I've read. I only wish it had been sooner. I ended the relationship initially with him because I just couldn't understand the behavior, but then when I realized what he was dealing with, and I did research on PTSD and depression, only then did I realize what he was going through, and how he must have felt abandoned.

What can I say, except that I was naive. He never hid it from me, but there was no coaching either as to what he went through and what his triggers were or any real discussion about it. I felt helpless so many times when I just couldn't put my finger on some of the behavior and outbursts. Communication was the first thing to go between us, and that's when I should have done the research.

I tried to reconcile, but it didn't work. There has been no closure for either one of us, he refuses to communicate. It's still fresh for me, only a month and a half since we stopped communicating, and it's been hard for me to move on. Just as others, I too am waiting for my feelings to fade, for life to go on, and to just learn and grow from the experience. I don't know if I'll ever hear from him again, but with the new year, I decided it was best for me to just leave him alone, and realize that I did everything I could.

I have a lot of unresolved anger to work through over the fact that he doesn't realize how hurt I am over so much of the stuff he put me through, but sometimes that's how life is. I also don't deal well with not having closure, or even a few final words to say something nice to each other. I constantly wonder why he's like that, but at the end I forgive him. He probably doesn't even realize how he's leaving a trail of destruction behind him, because in his mind, everybody else is angry at him for no apparent reason.

Sort of sucks when we all go through this and find this forum after the fact!

Peace and love to all of you ;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear you loud and clear about finding this forum after the fact. No use having regrets. It was not meant to be. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

 

[Bilby]

I'm sorry Sailorgal. I wish I had something that could magically make you feel better, but if I had that, I think I would probably be a millionaire!

I'll offer you some hugs if you'd like them :hug:

B x

 

[Joseph_PDX]

He no longer believes I will get any better. He believes I will never change. As much as I try to explain to him and have told him we need counseling together (in addition to my own), he has given up.

This makes me dissappointed in him somewhat... :-(. As you already know Sailor I would have killed to hear my ex asking me to go to counseling with her. If I saw you trying like that I'd of stayed if I were him. I'm sorry that it went that way for you.

The sad part is one of the earlier times we broke up, I woke up from it. All this time, I was really numb to how I felt about him.

Oh Sailor... that must have been so difficult... :-( It must be horrible to wake up and recognize the time lost and to feel like the real "you" wasn't even participating.

This totally reminded of the last day my GF ever acted truly affectionate to me... it was only two weeks before we broke up. After I surprised her by going to the movies without her (she was busy) something weird clicked. Almost as if since I'd done something unpredictable it caused her to want to smother me. She randomly wrote me a letter that day talking about how I was the perfect man for her. She kissed me repeatedly, snuggled and smiled. The weeks before that day and all the weeks ever since she has returned to barely registering emotions about me. But at least we had that day... but we lost so many others.

If he said the damage was too much, i can understand. But to say im never gonna get better??!!

Sailor I'm sorry to hear that he's approaching the situation this way. It very well may be that he needs more education about PTSD. How much does he understand? When I first broke up with my girlfriend I was concerned that she was a borderline, which to my understanding has a much more difficult long term prognosis then PTSD. The perceived futility of a future with someone who was incurable and the abuse I was already experiencing caused me to move forward. Only after our breakup did I read more and learn of C-PTSD, it's symptom overlap with BPD and that it's much more treatable. That gave me hope to try and reengage.

Are you guys still close enough as friends to still have a conversation? Is it too painful to go there? I would think that you engaging him would cause him to respond back.

 

[discarded]

Sailorgirl, I understand where you are coming from exactly. I chose to end my marriage because communication was impossible, he blamed me for everything and says he is content to live life as a recluse. No discussion, no explanantions, no "I am sorry", no acknowledgement of our 28 years together. Yes it sucks and it will be a long time for me to get over it, but like you, what choice do I have. I have said many times that I wish I had found the forum earlier so I could understand what I was dealing with. But in all honesty I now don't believe he was ever going to let me be his supporter or anyone else.

 

[Sailorgal]

Wow, I completely forgot I posted this!!!!

@Gizmo - thank you sooo much for your support and friendship. It has meant alot being able to share our journey together.

@scorpio - wow we are on opposite sides of the same fence, huh! Yeah, no closure, no communication....I feel bad for you as I'm sure he doesn't realize how painful it is for you. No closure makes moving on difficult.

@Bilby - thanks for the hugs and I'll take em!!!!!

@Joseph - sigh...that's why I really wanted to reach out to you on your post as it was similar and I didn't want you to go through the same thing (although you are a supporter in this case). Disappointment is an understatement, but at the same time, one of the things he did say was that it wasn't just him not being able to handle me, it was more that he was disappointed in himself and didn't like who he became. Being with PTSD can make you crazy yourself and he saw that. I just wish he would've opened up and talk to me instead of shutting me out. We don't really communicate now. He is afraid of anymore damage happening between us.

I do have to say though that the numbing didn't affect me on the outside....I guess that is where my dissociation was in effect. I had no problem being affectionate...but it was almost like "acting it out" and I felt more guilty that I really didn't feel the same way because I just couldn't feel anything.

@discarded - I'm so sorry to hear. It's tough to watch the one you love throw themselves down a black hole (that's why I was doing until I came to). Even trying to PTSD doesn't help when the person is not only refusing help, but when they are still in what I personally call "crisis" mode. It can be YEARS that they are in it. I hope you can find peace with yourself that you did everything you could.

The time we were together literally felt like years....some of the things we went through were pretty intense which made our relationship that much more serious. Had to learn to forgive myself because I didn't know what I was really doing, nonetheless trying to be in a relationship when I clearly shouldn't have.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses. It's a journey that I will be continuing on....hope and healing for all of us. Hugs to everyone!:hug: