When mom passed away...

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

I spiraled into avoidance behavior in an attempt to deal with it. I still haven't dealt with it fully. I have done it in tiny spurts here and there. We lost her to Covid in 2021. It was so hard for me to cope that I did everything I could to avoid dealing with it.

I basically just dove into the world of video games and anything else I could do to avoid feeling anything and dealing with the loss. I think now it was because I received no comfort from my father at all. I was left to my own devices. For 2 yrs I just shut down.

Didn't clean the house, over ate and played video games when I wasn't at work. I was unstable at the time and unable emotionally to deal with a beside vigil and they wouldn't let us see her. By the time they let us it was too late to get there to say goodbye.

I couldn't muster the stability to attend the funeral because I was terrified I'd have a meltdown in the middle of it. Now my family is mad at me and they make smart ass remarks on FB about it. One of the reasons I finally ended my time there.

I can't even bring myself to think about it without getting upset.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's ok to be upset. It's perfectly normal and ok actually. Loosing a parent is a HUGE life event.

There sounds like a lot to unpack there: your own grief, your ability to express emotions, the lack of support from your Dad, the negative and unsupportive views from others about you not attending the funeral, not having a chance to say goodbye to your mum.
That's a lot.

Do you have a bereavement therapist to help resolve or make peace with some of these things?

There are lots of us here that have had parents die, and then had to deal with family dynamics. Which seems heightened at times like this.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

It's ok to be upset. It's perfectly normal and ok actually. Loosing a parent is a HUGE life event.

There sounds like a lot to unpack there: your own grief, your ability to express emotions, the lack of support from your Dad, the negative and unsupportive views from others about you not attending the funeral, not having a chance to say goodbye to your mum.
That's a lot.

Do you have a bereavement therapist to help resolve or make peace with some of these things?

There are lots of us here that have had parents die, and then had to deal with family dynamics. Which seems heightened at times like this.

I wish had a therapist period. The ones we have here are terrible. They have no clue what to with someone like me. It's pathetic. All they wanna do is shove antidepressants at me. I'm not depressed. I'm just sad and I'm a mess. This is just a small amount of what all I have to unpack. It's no fun being the black sheep.

 

[Innordinate]

I have done it in tiny spurts here and there.

whats wrong with that?
I dunno. It sounds like "dealing with it" to me.
there's no law that says you have to deal with anything by diving headfirst into it all at once.

It's no fun being the black sheep

Black sheep? is that not just (in this case) another term for scapegoat in a narcissistic family dynamic?

Also- black sheep are f*ckin' epic types of people. Free, dynamic, authentic etc.
People who dont like the black sheep are trapped, dull and fake.
People who are trapped, dull and fake hate themselves and think tearing down others will lift them up.

 

[LunaticOnTheFritz]

@Innordinate I'm sure there's some narcissistic dynamic in the family. At least with the parents. It's ok for everyone else to feel sad and not be able to deal with things but I'm expected to snap the f*ck out of it and go on like nothing happened and everything is hunky dory.