Death When My Ex Killed Himself

[garden]

In July 2006 my ex committed suicide. His birthday is February 9th, and for some reason around his birthday is when I think about him the most. I am having a really rough time recently. January 25 was the one year anniversary of a traumatic event, and then his birthday rolls around, and I'm barely squeaking by. Will I ever be able to make sense of this? It seems like no matter how much time passes, it still kills me when I think about him.

He had such a beautiful mind. I felt safe around him...and that was so rare. I thought he'd always be a part of my life. He knew about all of my demons, and he still loved me, or so I believed. I don't know what to believe anymore, because apparently he did not know how to love anyone as displayed by his choice to take his own life...at least that's what I have been told.

We had been broken up for 9 months when he did it. He wrote a letter to me and he wrote another one to everyone else, both sealed and labeled. He labeled all of his keys and had them layed out on his kitchen counter. he cleaned his apartment and left extra food and water out for the cat. He payed all his bills for the month, including his rent, which was barely due when this happened. He hid evidence of what he had used to kill himself, so the paramedics/coroner (not sure which) searched the trash and looked in the toilet and tub, and everything, and could not find what he had used. We had to wait about 6 weeks to find out that he had over dosed on benadryl, or the active ingredient in benadryl I should say. It was mind blowing to see that he had planned it out so well, like he really wanted it.

In his letter he asked me to forgive him, and he said that he was sorry for how this was going to affect me. In my own mind I tell him "it's okay, don't worry about how I'm affected, what about you?" He also said that I should remember him fondly, and that I should take comfort in knowing that he's free now.

Comfort escapes me. I still have his letter tucked away. His words are so gentle, almost compassionate, so like him. He says in black and white that's he is free now. I believe that energy is not destroyed, it just changes form, and his energy is still alive somewhere. I have moments where I can find comfort in that, but those moments are so rare. I just want him to be whole, and at peace, wherever he is. I just wish he would have talked to me. I wish he had chosen differently. I miss him always.

I had already met my husband and started dating him when my ex committed suicide, so I felt some guilt over the fact that I was moving forward, and all the while he was spiraling downward. Members of his family, and people in our social circles blamed me for his suicide. I got some nasty hurtful words from our mutual friends, and was blatantly ostracized by people from the softball team. Even though being ostracized, scapegoated, or bullied are not new things to me, I was still not ready for this backlash.

It's too much sometimes. It feels like I'm not going to get over this, ever.

 

[darrenS]

this must be such an incredibly difficult thing to have to carry , it is in no way your fault and grief can sometimes bring out the very worst in people, and words in these times tend to leave some pretty deep scars. As you say , you had moved on , you had done what you could. I read this and cant help but think of my own situation and seeing my ex wife move on, and at times it has driven me to despair , but she as im sure you do...deserve it , my wife does not have ptsd, she was and still is beside me in many ways , but the time will come. I see your pain and thank you in sharing it , it helps bring perspective to what is sometimes a very cruel answer to alleviate ones demons. I truly hope that life gives you what you so deserve, your writing only speaks of love and compassion and such you deserve it in return in bucketloads. i WISH YOU WELL

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry that this has happened, and from what others have told me about anniversary reactions to loss, this is normal that you're experiencing this. Not that that matters for the pain.

May I ask how many anniversaries have you endured so far? I think it's important to keep track of how it feels each time, and note any differences in the feelings.

My friend and colleague lost a son (stillborn) and has had terrible week-long (at least) grief and panic responses during the anniversary of her son's death. Also, since the death caused the divorce, she has had fallout as well, like you, with other relationships lost due to the pain's ripple effect on other people and relationships.

She has noted that on the 5th year, finally, she felt a smaller form that only lasted 2 days, not over a week, and the form her grief took allowed for more acceptance and self-compassion than in the past, in which she hurt so bad having felt so much blame on herself and others for what happened.

I'm so sorry and can't imagine the legacy of pain this causes in your life. But you express yourself well, and I'm sure that being very mindful of how each piece of the tragedies that went with that event have taken their toll on you and others will allow you to heal somewhat, but you're right, your sense of things will definitely be changed forever. I hope that in some ways, you experience some depth perception in new insights that will allow you to see life as precious for you, and still offering some joys and solace, even those you bring to others.

Blessings,

Muse

 

[garden]

@Muse, this July will be the 9th anniversary. I thought about it and I realize that this year it's hitting me a bit harder. This may be due to the fact that I was already feeling really down because of the anniversary of trauma that took place last January 25th. Janury is the anniversary month of a bunch of 'stuff' for me, so this time of year is sometimes a challenge for me. Thank you for your kind words, and @darrenS, thank you for yours as well. Reading your words, I feel less alone somehow, even though I understand intellectually that I'm not alone in this, reading this from complete strangers brings that fact home. This is such a wonderful site, and you are wonderful people.

 

[Powder]

Yes, it does sound both like it's hitting you harder this year and you are more aware of the accumulative stresses of this winter time of year for you. That's good, to be aware of how it's affecting you know. But it is tiring and takes a lot out of you for a while.

Have you found any ways to put some good vibes into your day? I'm hearing from a lot of people about the things they do to make stressful times more doable.:)

I agree, this forum is a good one. Thanks for sharing. I hope that the 10th anniversary will be easier and bring new outlook to you.

 

[garden]

@Muse thank you. You have a gentle way about you, and your name suits you well.

I do have routines and structure and those things really help, and so does listening to music and art. It's times like now, when I'm off kilter, that my structure falls apart a bit, and it gets rough. Checking in here helps too.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

It's been 9 years since my hubby killed himself as well. He was my best friend. I think of him every single day, miss him every day. He really messed up myself and our child by doing this. Changed us and our lives forever. He never left a note and I really used to be angry about that. I found him. It really messed me up. I was blamed for his death as well.
It's so hard. You'd think it should be so much easier after all these years. I can relate to the guilt too.
It's hard to be still relatively young and be a widow. I'm glad you've moved on a have a life.

 

[garden]

@imok, my heart goes out to you and your son. It's does change us forever, that is so true.

 

[RauLee]

In July 2006 my ex committed suicide. His birthday is February 9th, and for some reason around his birth...

I am recently going through the same thing. My ex of almost 7 years and father to our daughter killed himself 6 weeks ago. I Had moved away with her because he suffered from addiction problems with drugs and alcohol and our home environment had been going downhill for years. He continued down his path and killed himself the day after our daughters 3rd birthday. I have extreme guilt because I too had moved on and feel so guilty for having such a happy healthy life knowing that he couldn't bear to live anymore. I don't know how this is going to get any easier.

 

[Futureforward]

Just want to add to whoever might've found this thread.. The pain guilt and trauma do diminish over time. For me it was around the tenth anniversary of my ex husbands suicide (we were separated but still married).

Yes.. It is truly amazing when others blame you, but I've also realised over time that people are looking for the why as they feel guilty themselves, and you are an easy target for that. The guilt you are feeling just highlights those interactions when if you can instead think of all the love and support you have from friends and family who don't blame you.

It's so hard to overcome the guilt. I did try therapy, talked a lot to friends, read books, tried alternative therapies like tapping and light healing, prayer (I'm not religious but prayed every morning for about a year), medication.. I'm not sure what it was specifically in the end but I felt forgiveness. Whether it was from him, myself, god, the universe... I don't know.

I just kept trying and hoping. No advice will work for everyone but it could help to remember they are sorry, so sorry, because they have caused so much pain and what they wanted was to take pain away. I think forgiving them, forgiving yourself, remembering you are both people trying your best. And most important for me was, I was NOT responsible for his, or anyone's, actions. I take responsibility for the pain I caused him, and try to change so I don't hurt people in the future. But I didn't make him do it.

It is hard and no one knows unless they're in that particular club. Just like anyone who has been through combat, rape, assault, etc... So many people have experienced different traumatic events. I try to have compassion for invisible wounds of others around me and of course for myself and my ex. That helps me not to use it as an excuse in life. Everyone is walking wounded, I guess, some more than others. Some have it much worse.

Anyway I hope this helps someone. The main thing is, hang on. You will feel better one day. And you won't feel guilty about that.