Childhood When No Parent Is Available

[shimmerz]

I have had some interesting chats with various people on the board and others that I know who had 'no available parent' from - well, all their lives. My opinion is that children need an attachment figure of some shape or form. For me it was my teddy bear. I protected him because I couldn't protect me. It seemed like something significant for me to do at the time.

I am wondering if any of you who identify as having no parental figure that could be counted on to attach to, recall whether they attached to something. Whether it be a blanket, a dog, a cat....whatever. And I wonder whether you feel that type of attachment still or whether you have been successful at learning an organized attachment to people. Just any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

 

[Deleted member 29961]

Yeah, I had four stuffed animals and an imaginary friend (Not to mention my real cat). Each served a different purpose; first was my teddy bear, he was blind, had no eyes so he couldn't see the atrocities, he was the keeper of my pain and always my first source of comfort, his name was Teddy. Then their was Jingles, my toy stuffed cat with a bell in one ear and a red beret, he was a snobby little French bastard that never shyed from a group snuggle, he was my independence. There was Oggie, my hound dog shaped pillow with a happy face on one side and a sad face on the other, he was the keeper of my emotions, you could tell how I was feeling by which side was face up. then there was my imaginary friend, he had no name but had a little sister, mom and dad. He lived strictly in my head, he was wisdom and intuition. then there was the little toy stuffed puppy, again no name, I rescued him in a snow storm (long story), he would become my happy, carefree inner child. out of all my stuffed animals, the only one I passed on to my daughter was the puppy, oh and the French cat.

but my one true real friend was Fluffy, my long haired Persian who showed me the hidey hole in the closet.

 

[Fadeaway]

Until I was 5 I had my ducky blanket. It left behind almost 1k miles away when I went to go live with my grandparents. After that if I got attached to anything, it would mysteriously go missing or broken. A couple years ago she bragged to my husband about it. Lucky for me, or maybe it was a result of, that I had a great imagination and had an imaginary family. I guess you could say I was very bonded and attached. I still have a sort of attachment like an author has attachments to characters in their books.

 

[Suzetig]

I didn't have attachment objects as such, I would attach to random people and then be utterly devastated when they inevitably left. I did have an imaginary friend (with a whole imaginary life) and as I became a teenager got involved in a very questionable relationship with a much older man.

Now I'm realising that for as long as I hang on to the feelings a person of me as an abused child, I'll always be looking for a "parent". This has led to some fairly unboundaries relationships and a difficulty in dealing with conflict but I'm getting there now. I'm going through an ending process with my therapist just now which is throwing up all sorts of attachment issues for me - a long way of saying I feel your pain.

 

[Eleanor]

I had a cat, and an imaginary friend. I clearly have attachment problems now - (ambivalent/anxious? the standard categories don't seem to quite fit me...) I was mostly attached to my cat, and places.

Lots going on with my relationship with my daughter at this point - who is attached but... there is something "off" about it.... it is not warm. I used to attach intensely and ... emotionally to animals. And I don't do that so much any more. I don't, for lack of a better word, love them like I used to. Warm fuzzies seems to have... gone. And I kept/keep waiting for that "rush" of feeling for my daughter and it keeps not showing up.

Sorry, Shimmerz, don't mean to hijack the thread...

Attachment appears to me today to be pretty complicated....

 

[The Albatross]

Attachment was with my maternal grandparents when they were available (til they moved out of state when I was 8 or so). Then it was my pets.

I am definitely better to attaching to people outside of family (peers, clients, pastor etc.)... it has improved. Spousal situation is iffy still... like a 65/35 split due to the financial deception and some other core issues in my present marriage.

 

[jaccat]

My dolls and bears, one in particular. His name was Bungle (yes, after the character in Rainbow). For a significant portion of my childhood he was bigger than me and he was the one I got my hugs and love from. I even used to bring him downstairs so the two of us could watch TV together. I still have issues over seeing dolls and bears as not people.

Later it was my cats. The cats were always there, but the first I really got attached to was Coco, a completely crazy kitten who lived to be a week off her eighteenth birthday. After that each cat was more than just a family member, right up to my current little boy, who's definitely the boss of my house.

I did develop a later relationship with my dad, but it was not a father/daughter relationship. Couldn't be. As for other humans- I still struggle. The only person I think I've successfully built such a relationship is my best friend, who is quite happy to boss me around and be mother when she thinks I need it. But it's taken twenty years of working at it to deveop that relationship with her.

Here's Bungle. He's been sleeping in my bed the last few weeks.

 

[scout86]

Well, THAT was a question that I (oddly?) didn't want to think about! :confused:

There was a special pillow, that I couldn't sleep without, for a long time. And one special stuffed animal of indeterminable species. Probably a dog, but could have been a tiger. I always remember him as being faded and beat up. No idea where he came from or where he went. I bought my first horse when I was 11 and he was my best friend from then on.

Now? People? I guess I tend to like them, but try not to get attached to them. If I DO let myself get attached to them, seems like they die. (My T says that's magical thinking and NO ONE has that much power over the universe. But the last person to argue this point with me is dead.....:nailbiting:)

 

[Tinyflame]

@scout86 , I have that & I've thought about it a lot. I once heard 'God' (or if one believes in something greater than us) knows when we're going before we're born. Irregardless, perhaps it's having a chance to love them before it, not vice versa. (Though makes you think it'd might turn off new friends to know that lol).

My answer was definitely my dog. I told her everything & felt always safe with her. She was so smart & sensitive & beautiful. :inlove: When she died I never wanted another one but my dad insisted to my mom we had to get one (found that out after).

 

[Ronin]

I had an aunt, for a few years. Or, well, relationship complicated, but I called her that, so that was the closest person to a loving Mom figure I had for a bit. After that? My weapons; parents, friends, brothers, pillows, confidantes, about everything one could think of. My commanders & teachers, but my relationship to parent figures was skewed to begin with so that got complicated.

Then a great deal of life skipped, because I don't remember what I attached to during the time I had my kids, other than them, and people I had them with.

Now, what worked for me most of my life: friends. Parents are mentors, & memory of mentors. On days I can't remember compassion, I remember that spot in which at least something felt hopeful in a cold world, in which I knew maybe I'm a weee bit fire, but I can light the whole village. It's usually enough of an attachment to let me live on. So I'm trying to do my best to preserve the memory and not have it vanish like a ghost again.

 

[illusionist]

I was exceptionally lucky in having a German shepherd from the age of 7....I bonded with him straight away as a puppy and we did everything together. I took him to training classes as the foster parents could see £££££ signs by showing my Basil, and a kid could sway the judges....turned out he was no good for showing as he was too timid and frightened. He was abused, just like us and remember comforting him and telling him we will get through this together.....I talked a lot to him about my unhappiness, or rather our unhappiness...he kept me sane...I'm sure of it. When he died I was broken hearted but felt relief that he was finally free.

I do remember forming attachments to doctors and nurses...was in and out of hospital. The kindness they showed hurt me deeply...knowing I had to go back to living the horrible life I had.

 

[DogwoodTree]

There were no parental figures in real life that I ever felt safe with...neither of my parents or step-parents, none of my grandparents...even teachers seemed distant and uninterested most of the time. There was one youth group parent who took a special interest in me for a little while, but he kept his distance because he didn't want to get too deeply involved in my junk. That was really painful. Everyone has always kept their distance from my reality...can't think of any exceptions until very, very recently, and even these people now, most of them don't really get it.

I got attached to certain characters on TV shows that I loved. It was all in fantasy world, of course. But I still think fondly of those characters and even picture some of them as more like my family than my real family was. It's almost like they're people I knew and loved, and then they passed away or something, but without the experience of actually losing them...they just sort of faded into the background as I tried to make myself stay in reality more after I became an adult.