When Other People Argue

[BlackbirdSinging]

remember I don't have to control every situation. Letting it roll off my back is a new experience and it takes work.

I totally get that! When my therapist talks about me being willing to let go.. half of me wants to ask her if she's nuts! I mean if I'm not watching my back who will right? She's having a really hard time with me in this area right now. It seems inconceivable that I can lower my defenses so to speak. It makes me think ya right and as soon as I do BAM. And why wouldn't I think that way? That's been the pattern for SO long.

It sounds like you've got the right ideas though. Especially being aware. That's the first thing you can do is be aware really. That way you can start to make clearer choices.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

It's the reptile brain. Fight or flight are so hardwired into your brain. It's like that instinctive fear of heights. It's not something you can ignore.

If you walk through a certain door and I hit you in the head with a baseball bat you may forgive me but you will never walk through that door without a little part of your brain saying duck.

Training makes me do things I never actually acknowledge it's a habit but trauma brands that thing on your brain like a hot iron. I think sometimes half the battle is realizing why I do react that way. Using the thinking part of the brain to override that adrenaline need to duck when I go through that door will work but you can never forget the voice in your head yelling duck.

It's that little voice that that's yelling that makes it so tough but I have learned why it yells so it's a little easier to prevent the adrenaline panic.

 

[littlelostchild]

I hate listening to arguements of any kind. Our household is very peaceful - even bringing up 2 kids, it was playful, but never really aggressive or hostile. I know I wasn't a good role model to the kids around anger management because my H and I never really showed anger - respectfully disagreed and such, but never got angry and had fights or arguements. i digress from the topic.

I jump in and try to mediate - we had a donation brought to our charity last week and some of the employees were going to refuse some of the food for religious reasons. The donor was really ramping up - becoming loud and arguing. The other people taking the donation were explaining why they couldn't take the food, so I just said that I would take the donation and take it down the road to a shelter that wouild accept the type of food. No problem, the food would go to the homeless that night. I was desperate to stop the argument and I just solved the problem, calmed her down and sent her on her way. But it was not my role to jump in and do it. I did it to stop the madness! If I can take control and make it stop, that's what I do - I guess I was always the peacemaker. (I got such a pounding headache from the experience, too)

If I can't intervene, I have to flee. I can't handle listening to people fighting. Even disagreement is difficult, but if I think about music (which I am rediscovering - I used to love music) some of the most soulful music is created by bringing dissonant sounds together. I had that revelation the other night - there should be room in life for reasonable dischord. Hummm I've been thinking about that one. Even though it still drives me up a tree!

 

[maddog]

I experience an almost instantaneous, very overwhelming physiological reaction to intense verbal conflict, in the form of incredibel nausea and a lightheaded, physically disorientated feeling. It is one of my most predictable and exclusively physiological reactions to threat and it makes no difference whether I am involved in or anywhere near the actual conflict at all.

Actually, oddly, I am less reactive and more able to concentrate when I am involved in the conflict than when I am merely observing it, when I think that a sense of impending helplessness is what contributes to the anticipation nausea.

My neighbours across the road frequently argue very aggressively, including a lot of fist pounding from the man. While he has never been physically violent with her, I find these exchanges to be almost dabilitating and they leave me feeling weak and sick for hours afterwards and increase my spooky hypervigilance sometimes for days.

Even relatively controlled healthy confrontation between people can set me off - it's very annoying.

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It seems like I guess all of us have a similar reaction to arguing. To leave. I just find it so unsettling I can't be in it. And I really don't like it when someone tries to drag me into it by asking me something like "right?". I always want to say please.. don't ask me to take sides in your argument. Why it triggers me I'm not exactly sure. But it does. It seems to enhance that sense of impending doom for me.

 

[shoulderblades]

I feel very unsafe and scared when in the presence of people who are arguing. My instinct always is to flee or hide, usually in another room or in the bathroom/toilet. Confrontation on any level causes me a lot of anxiety and panic, to the point where I may dissociate.

 

[littlelostchild]

OMG Shoulderblades - I have done exactly that (reading your post totally reminded me of these examples), when I perceive that I can't successfully intervene, I have fled to a toilet! As much as I wish I could handle the dissonance, if I don't automatically step in to solve the problem, I am out of there. If I feel that the person arguing has power over me, I am done. Or if the argument is a power struggle, I am also done. Unless it is to protect a child - then, I will push myself to intervene. I think this is because nobody helped me and I refuse to watch a child in distress, but I try to do it in a non-confrontational way (if that makes sense). I will usually get a really bad headache after and feel anxiety to the point of shaking. I think this is ultimately what led to my burn out at work.

 

[winterose]

Depends on who is arguing and how. I grew up with a family that debated very passionately about things, plus I was in a neighborhood with heritages that used their hands alot to argue as well. If there are alot of verbal threats and posturing I get nervous, then pissed off. If the arguing get's really heated etc, depends on what it is, like a couple arguing, I get embarrassed, and fearful. Usually the embarrassment comes from a couple arguing about a bit too much information about their relationship. Sometimes I get on high alert and watch to see if it comes to blows.

 

[aka]

I as well get very anxious around anyone who are arguing. My first instinct is to run and hide but I usually can cope with being at what I consider a safe distance away. I tag these people (in my mind) as volatile and should therefore be avoided but at the same time I will keep an eye on them in case the situation escalates and I need to leave.

If you walk through a certain door and I hit you in the head with a baseball bat you may forgive me but you will never walk through that door without a little part of your brain saying duck.

Not sure why but this made me laugh the first time I read it.:facepalm:

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

I'm reactive in relation to verbal arguments, personal attacks, road rage incidents, etc. For myself I hold on the best I can in relation to conflicts observed between my siblings and their respective spouses. I do not take sides, and will not expand upon a relation if the currency to budget such expansion is denominated in terms of confidence broken, dirt shared, and free-form character assassination authorized and encouraged by this party or that. It is a source of great regret that the dysfunctional template of our parent's relationship (such as it was) did not stir within my sisters like-curiosity to the extent of heading off what could easily be a generational pattern, hence I try (even at the cost of seeing them hardly at all) to use their example as a cautionary indicator of what I must take so seriously by contrast.

In public spaces - I leave the premises if I can at all manage. No sides are taken - sorry - gotta go! Violent films or disturbing content? Eyes shut, ears plugged; i.e. I'm not being entertained - thank you very much! I tried to watch the Denzel Washington vehicle Flight, but had to leave the theater. I returned hoping for some degree of narrative closure, but remain dubious as to the worth of my effort.

Driving fast? Gee - not quite for me for such was a release of sorts in my youth and not a very healthy or civic-minded one at that. I suppose I'm the slowest thing on the road now, for nothing matters so much that I'd risk my life or the life of another for passing in a dicey situation. What makes such dicey? - a succession of decisions that equate the dangerous to normative range behavior. The establishment of horrible governments is premised upon such.

Even within an atmosphere of conflict and awareness of the emergence of irreconcilable difference, civility must always be maintained - especially if no other aspect of the environment will support it. If the atmosphere is wholly suffused with standard-setting incivility - escape that environment if such is possible. Long-term exposure to many an unpleasant environment forces one to assertively see to environmental quality control establishment and the maintenance of such. For myself, I believe that for whatever social circumstance I invest in from here on out, that such cannot help but be qualitatively different - or so I unsteadily state! I know I harbored no desire to passively accept matters as were, hence might I do better?

It's strange for while I hate violence and in some sense I identify as a philosophical pacifist, I cannot recommend to any that simply absorbing punishment without a proportional response is a sustainable life orientation. Much of my PTSD identity is rooted in my failure to defend myself across circumstance from socio-emotional violence I could not effectively counteract. Hypervigilence here mixed with an acute awareness of historical power imbalances and the cost of the same. In short - usually I flee!


M.

 

[shoulderblades]

if I don't automatically step in to solve the problem, I am out of there. If I feel that the person arguing has power over me, I am done. Or if the argument is a power struggle, I am also done. Unless it is to protect a child - then, I will push myself to intervene.

Yes. Yes. Yes. All these apply to me as well. I have terrible anxiety regarding people of authority, bureaucracy and/or people who just exude authority or dominance. I shut down in the presence of people or situations like that. I go mentally blank. I cannot formulate words that make sense; or if I do, it sounds scrambled to me. I dissociate; my eyesight darkens. I don't know how else to describe it. It's as if my eyes can't process light properly and so everything seems shadowed, darkened, like lights have been dimmed. I don't even have to be in the presence of or involved in argument - just the mere presence of such people often triggers this reaction in me. I do everything I can to protect and defend the rights of a child, though my anxiety can peak to aforementioned heights even despite that. It's awful. I feel so stupid and useless when this happens, and I am hyper-vigilantly aware that these people could very easily abuse their power in the state that I'm in, which makes me even more anxious, which makes it even more difficult to articulate myself. Blah.

I will usually get a really bad headache after and feel anxiety to the point of shaking.

Yes. Same. I find I develop headaches and shake or tremble uncontrollably, sometimes even mildly dissociate, when even just talking honestly about things and I'm expressing myself and divulging my feelings about the topic. About anything. Not even things about my past, my abuse, or situations where I have to defend myself (an argument, for example). Just anything.

I have been realising that I have been doing this since I was a child. I have a very strong memory of when I was about 8 years-old and I was talking to my godmother about something in the living room of her apartment. I can't remember what the topic was - it was something rather mundane - but I remember being very involved in the conversation, and I had a mild headache and was trembling uncontrollably. I was so involved in the conversation that everything around me was muted and my eyesight had kind of "dimmed"; I couldn't really focus on anything around me other than my immediate personal space. I had to use all my strength to not show my godmother how much I was trembling; and I must have done a good job because she didn't seem to pick it up. I remember that I asked her if she ever experienced shakiness and lightheadedness when talking about things honestly and she said no and didn't seem to understand what I was talking about. I for some reason felt like she was mocking me (it might have been delusional, I don't know - I was in a pretty weird state by this point), and so I chose not to bring it up again with anyone. This here is the first time I've talked about it since. And phew, it feels really good to let it out. :hungover:

Wow, this place has a real way of causing one to spontaneously ramble about things! :wideeyed: :oops: :sorry:

 

[Aribear]

I stay with a married friend a few nights a week... kind of a change of scene, relieve stress and take a break. When they do fight, it really rattles me. Not just the awkward being there when people are having a spat, but it makes me wish I could disappear. Any arguing at all... even if they say it was just a discussion, if voices are raised, it still feels horrible. It more the tone and volume I react to than what people actually say when they fight.

Even if it's on a TV show or a movie. If it lasts too long I start to feel afraid and like a 5 year-old

This is exactly how I feel about it. I kind of start shrinking into myself when it starts and have to keep reminding myself that I am not 5 and that I am ok. It really makes me anxious the whole time and for a while after.