When The 'therapeutic Relationship' Is The Big Trigger

[NovemberStar]

Can anyone relate? I try to reassure myself that it is ok, that this IS therapy - that it's helpful that I feel this way as my T and I can use it to do a lot of very important 'work' in therapy. The 'therapeutic relationship' is currently my biggest trigger for previous trauma. Even acknowledging that my T and I have ANY connection at all, triggers me to dissociate, and I get a lot of physical symptoms that are fear based, as a result (feel very dizzy, like I will pass out, and sometimes I have to lie down on the floor where I am, and are unable to move or talk for a while - that happens when I'm alone, never in a session however).

In our sessions, I don't make any eye contact. I don't even look at her shoes. I dissociate and feel so spaced out and overwhelmed to the point I feel I might pass out, if she alludes to 'you and me'.

Because acknowledging any connection with her triggers me so badly, its been very hard to be able to talk to her about what it is that triggers me so much in our sessions - but I do feel I am beginning to be more tolerant of the fear and distress - I'm now able to acknowledge it! By posting here, and I have emailed my T about it too - huge steps for me! Last Friday night after our session I was able to do just that, in an email I sent her. She has emailed me back and reassured me we will work through it together and find a way to work through it.

I know it's 'transference' and I know that it is because the last 'caring' deeply significant 'relationship' I had was the one with my mother growing up - she was incredibly abusive physically, and the emotional trauma from that is what affects me the most. The only way I've been able to describe the emotional relationship between my mother and me, is to say it was 'emotional rape' - because that is what it felt like. She used me, for her emotional benefit, with no thought of how it left me feeling. It was like she completely invaded me as a person, took what she wanted and discarded me. I'd be left feeling emotionally destroyed, and she would simply walk away. She loved me when she needed to feel love - when I needed love, it did not matter. She manipulated me for her own purposes. She was physically abusive and punished me in ways that left me terrified - shut me in my bedroom cupboard and hold the door shut, while I was inside terrified, crying out 'I can't breathe!', and fearing I would die because I'd run out of air (from as young as 5 years old).

Seeing my T triggers me but at the same time I feel hope. I totally believe my T can help me through this. But I still have a LOT of fear, deep deep down, that she will invade me too.

And I also get afraid my T will leave me - not on purpose to hurt me, but leave as in change jobs, or need to move cities or something. I also get afraid she might die - my mother died suddenly when I was 10 years old - I walked into the room as she had a fatal heart attack - I saw her dying. I'm beginning to feel very afraid my T will die suddenly too :(.

I'm afraid to deeply trust my T, but the more I am trusting her, the safer I feel with her - and the safer I feel with her, the more afraid (!!!!) I am she will leave me or die - and once again, I will be left to deal with the emotional aftermath of abandonment like I had to when my mother used and abused me, and then died.

 

[Pencil]

In our sessions, I don't make any eye contact. I don't even look at her shoes. I dissociate and feel so spaced out and overwhelmed to the point I feel I might pass out, if she alludes to 'you and me'.
Because acknowledging any connection with her triggers me so badly,

It is exactly the same for me.

 

[arfie]

We cannot deal with issues we refuse to take out of hiding. We cannot bring them out into the open without responding to them, especially in the early going. I know I still react to mine, but I am seldom disabled by them any more and on the increasingly rare occasion I am disabled by them now, I work my way past the glitch with increasing efficiency.

Based on my own, personal experience, I believe what you are experiencing is a natural part of healing. Hope it leads you to good places.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Put your trust in the therapy, not the therapist. It worked for me.

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks for the responses. Sorry you relate @Pencil - have you managed to talk to your T at all about what it is that is triggering you? It's taken me a lot of sessions - weekly since last August - to work out why 'she' triggers me, and being brave enough to acknowledge what it is and why. It's the one thing I have ALWASY AVOIDED in all my years of seeing different Ts. Twenty years and have always avoided any 'therapeutic relationship' talk - been far far far too intense and unbearable until now. I think the key difference is I really do trust this T. She's the first psychologist I've ever worked with - counseling, psychotherapy - I didn't feel the same degree of confidence in their skills. Right person, but yes, also me begin in more of the 'right places'.

@arfie - YEs, I very much agree - I have never addressed the 'T and me' aspect of therapy ever before. Its terrified me - now I know why - because exploring it IS triggering up so many hurts, pain, and memories (and flashbacks). It's very scary facing this as I don't know what will happen, how will it go. Unchartered territory - yet it is that exactly, that gives me hope - this probably is the 'missing link' I've needed to address to TRULY heal and move on!

Not sure what you mean @Solara? I've head some good Ts and some not so good ones - I think trusting the T is vital in therapy …. A huge part of why I am beginning to feel able to work through this is because I trust my T as a person - she's very good at her job. You could have the best type of therapy in the world, but if the T using it isn't so good, it won't work so well (kinda like my last counsellor).

 

[ghotiff]

In our sessions, I don't make any eye contact. I don't even look at her shoes. I dissociate and feel so spaced out and overwhelmed to the point I feel I might pass out

I had this too with my ex-T, not about the therapeutic relationship but instead every time we talked about my trauma (or pretty much anything related to it). Looking back I realise that for me, particularly the 'about to pass out' feeling and my vision being black almost the whole time was a sign that we were going too far too fast.

And I also get afraid my T will leave me - not on purpose

I read a quote once, that we don't fear an event, we fear our perceived inability to cope with the event.

Would it be helpful to have a plan on how you would cope if something happened....for example phone numbers for new T's, or friends you would call. Maybe this wouldn't be helpful, but this kind of back-up plan approach works to settle my fears.

 

[Pencil]

I know it's 'transference'

In attachment issues, and 'traumatic transference' this is mainly what therapy is about, the other issues are secondary; processing trauma is of course important, but only within a relationship that essentially addresses attachment / bonding / issues. Attempting to work with trauma without healing of the relational stuff is heading for disaster - the simple reason being that the trauma was essentially relational. I firmly believe that 'transference' will no longer be viewed negatively in 20 years' time. Freud's ghosts are disappearing.

“All this talk therapy is just an excuse to hang out long enough for the relationship to do the healing.” http://lindagraham-mft.net/resources/published-articles/the-neuroscience-of-attachment/

The therapeutic community seems to tend to forget that Freud started out in a new world, completely uncharted, and on his map there were many unexplored areas, which he then marked 'Here Be Dragons'. We've come a long way since 'the therapist as blank slate'. Please don't see 'transference' as a negative thing. It is exactly the thing that will make your therapy work - or not, depending on your therapist. And for that reason the relationship has to be explored - and more importantly, experienced.

And I'm very aware that those without attachment issues will disagree - often vehemently.

 

[NovemberStar]

@ghotiff Yes, I definitely fear (!!!!) not being able to cope. That was one of my major traumas growing up - that following a particular incident (I can't recall it yet) I was unable to cope. I was about 9 or 10? and so traumatized, and alone with my fear, pain and feeling more overwhelmed than I can ever recall - that I put myself into my bedroom cupboard (significant because my mother used to shut me in there) and then felt incredibly suicidal because I had the very strong sense my life would NEVER EVER EVER be ok; that this was as good as it was ever going to be; I had no one, and never would. I was never going to be rescued and this was my life forever. I was of course unable to 'see' that one day I might grow up and leave home and escape it. I didn't know how to 'make myself die' but I tried in the only way I could - I closed my eyes and wished myself dead. When it didn't' work, the feeling of utter utter hopelessness remained. A part of me died inside my soul that day. I can remember feeling and thinking 'this is what it is like when you die' - I felt at peace very briefly. It felt like my soul was moving up in my body, to come out the top of my head and 'leaving'. Problem was, I was still 'there'.

I don't have any friends or anyone really I can talk to.I have a care worker I can phone, but I don't feel I can truly rely on her. I don't feel I can truly rely on ANYONE. It's been made worse in the past few months by awful treatment through the emergency psych services where I live. I phoned once, suicidal and depressed and they wouldn't let me go in and talk to someone face to face. It's all I wanted - face to face contact to talk. I got it in the end - after 5 hours of phone calls and being told I was 'angry' and 'refusing' their help (when I wasn't). I then had a severe relapse into anorexia because I was so affected from getting completely inappropriate and inadequate help and support form the psych system. Sorry, off topic a bit.

@Pencil Thank you for that info. I don't see 'transference' as a negative thing - I have read how it works and if the T is open to exploring it, it can be really healing. But it depends on the T. Some are afraid of their own stuff so avoid dealing with it.

It's been ME avoiding it all these years - because it triggers up everything - only I didn't know it until now. I really hope my T see's it how you described. I told her I am really afraid she won't want to work with me, I asked her (kinda begged) in my menial to PLEASE tell me its ok to talk about this ( I didn't call it transference, but said its the 'you and me' bit that freaks me out and triggers my reactions and trauma memories). I said I fear she will be REPULSED by me. She said she understands how hard it was for me to let her know this, but hopefully we can work through some ways to approach it.

I very much agree with what you wrote - I like the quote too. As much as I fear (!!!!!!) tailing about 'her and me' and 'what's happening in the room' I also really want to - cos I find I feel … safer … and as the fear begins to erode, I also feel more of the connection to her - which is both scary as hell, but comforting also….

Its' what I want to spend all my time with her talking about - if we can. The trauma stuff DOES feel completely secondary - yet by exploring her and my 'relationship' it is definitely triggering up old memories and pain, enabling me to work through them too![DOUBLEPOST=1398844240,1398844053][/DOUBLEPOST]@Pencil do you have any other, easier to read info on 'traumatic transference'?? I read something recently (didn't describe it as that) that scared me - it was kind of cautioning therapists that those of us with young trauma and attachment issues tend to want to recreate the trauma with our therapists, in order to get them to 'care' about us.

That left me feeling so awful - like I was somehow going to manipulate her and if I am in some way it really really isn't like that and I'm scared she will think that and put up a massive wall there opt reject me ;(

 

[Pencil]

It's been ME avoiding it all these years - because it triggers up everything

I know - from experience :).

Unfortunately I don't have material. Therapists view this differently, and you get a lot of conflicting ideas in the literature. Some of the stuff scared me too - but they were written by people who would be very scary to me in a therapeutic setting.

 

[ghotiff]

@NovemberStar
If I can try and help...and maybe take the edge off your fears.

Firstly, to identify your main fears (paraphrased from your post)…. fear not being able to cope, suicidal feelings and not having anyone to turn to. Previous experience is that I didn’t “cope”.

The major difference to your previous experience is that you are no longer 9 or 10. The resources you have available are far greater than you had as a child. Also your self-knowledge and your ability to self-soothe is far greater than you had as a child. As an example of this from your above post alone… you have already identified that you need to help you in these overwhelming situations – which is - face to face contact to talk.

If this is helping, please let me know and I’ll write some more. (Last thing I want to is to have you feel that I’m minimising your fears).

 

[NovemberStar]

@Pencil - yes, I looked up and it was pretty yuck some of why was written - namely how 'overwhelming' and 'dauntin'g it is for the THERAPIST :(. I don't want to be a 'problem' - I already feel really really awful for constantly coming up with new awful things about myself and revealing them.

@ghotiff - I forgot to add that due to my recent trauma via several major (one fatal) quake in my city over the past 3 years, I no longer have faith in the 'I'm an adult I can cope now as I have better resources' thing. The first major (7.1) quake did a lot of damage but killed no one - I coped 'ok' with that - like everyone else in my city, I was afraid and the aftershocks lasted months and months… following the 1st big quake, we had 200 aftershocks in just the first 24 hours - it wasn't possible to sleep for days cos we'd be shaken awake by more quakes throughout the night - for weeks. but that no one had died - same size quake as in Haiti - gave me (and everyone else) a false sense of security - OUR buildings were 'safe' - no one died! Huh.

But the next big one 5 months later - (6.3) killed 200 people and highlighted how vulnerable EVERYONE is, and how fragile everything is: didn't matter if you were elderly, young, rich, poor, homeless or a doctor - the quake didn't discriminate in who it killed. One pancaked building killed an entire medical practice - doctors, nurses, physics, receptionist, patients.

Everything in 'Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs' was no longer for certain - didn't feel safe anywhere. 'Saw' buildings falling down driving along the road, 'felt' my houses shaking in imaginary quakes for months.. (when they weren't shaking for real that is). Basic things were taken and not available for days / weeks - water supply, petrol, emergency services. We had army tanks rolling in the city centre policing a curfew - NEVER in my life did I EVER think I'd see that in my country let alone my city - those scenes belonged to war torn countries - so I thought.

There weren't even enough ambulances to take all the injured people to hospital :arghh;. That still scares the crap out of me ;(. Not that ambulances could even get some places cos of the road damage anyway ;(

Telephone lines down, not able to reach anyone immediately following the quake - it took days and weeks to find out for sure I didn't' know anyone who was trapped or had been killed. I was too scared to contact my T at the time, for fear I'd find she had been killed (she worked in the city centre where most of the people killed had been).

I had not experienced that degree of utter helplessness that came form those major quakes, since childhood. the quakes are what triggered the childhood abuse memories and PTSD to start all over again - after 12 years of being healed and free :(. It took 18 months (!!!) for the ground to stop shaking - actually that is a lie - we are still having aftershocks 3.5 years later - but now we only have a shake every month or two, not every day.

I no longer live in constant fear of another one hitting (I avoid thinking about it) but our city still lives with as high as risk as 20% chance of having another sizable quake in the next 12 months. At any time, with NO warning (other than the sickening sound of it about to hit - enough time to KNOW its coming, but no time to run or move), it can ALL be taken away - again.

I didn't cope too good when it happened and I was an adult, and I was 'well' - I hadn't had PTSD or mental health issues for 12 years. I thought I was 'strong' now, I thought I COULD cope with hard stuff - but I couldn't cope with that and I've been in relapse ever since :([DOUBLEPOST=1398851045,1398850883][/DOUBLEPOST]ps) I can't do 'soothing' - even those words distress me, sorry. My psychiatrist tells me I'm the only person she's ever seen (and that's a lot of people apparently) that the mere concept of 'mindfulness' or 'relaxation' or 'grounding' triggers the reaction it does in me - I dissociate at the suggestion of those things. I hate them so much. They feel so unsafe.

 

[Pencil]

I looked up and it was pretty yuck some of why was written -

And so I would suggest you don't read - and trust your T.