Relationship When To Say When?

[Deleted member 38137]

I agree with @Friday.

Isolation is hard for supporters to "get."

Isolation is...

I think it's hard to see them because he hides so much. He's VERY secretive. And extremely intelligent. Oh yeah, and I forgot... He's apocalyptic. He thinks "the shit is going to hit the fan" at any given time and has weapons, gear and things stockpiled for survival. Anybody else experience this one?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure... the Crit. A Trauma that gave your man PTSD was the shit hitting the fan, so to speak.

Prepping gives him a sense of control for an uncontrollable situation.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Sure... the Crit. A Trauma that gave your man PTSD was the shit hitting the fan, so to speak....

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. I leave him alone about it though. I say NOTHING about a $100 "mil spec" vest or some other thing he's purchased. I admire them and tell them he looks good in them.
:)

 

[Sweetpea76]

^^^ This is hypervigilance.

That's the same thing that may make him check noises at night, feel the need to have weapons handy, be overprotective, obsessively watch the news, etc.

Hypervigilance is a PTSD symptom.

 

[Sighs]

We're not preppers but... ;)

The fact is, as @Sweetpea76 says, these guys have seen the shit hit the fan. So how can you blame them for expecting it to hit the fan again?

Jerry Springer - yes, seriously - tells the story of his parents who were holocaust survivors. By the time they were in their 80s neither of them had driven in years. But his dad refused to get rid of the car. Jerry asked him why. His dad said "in case we need to get away urgently in the middle of the night". Jerry said "Dad, this is America. That's not going to happen." And his dad just looked at him and said "That's what we said to ourselves in Holland."

You have to remember that all these "odd" behaviours have kept these men alive in a warzone. I cannot think of a more powerful re-enforcement of learned behaviours. The behaviours only become maladaptive once they return from the war.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@PartTimeWarriorLover

I really do think that you shouldn't be in this relationship from all that you have said above. It is really hard for most people to wrap their head around certain behaviors or begin to handle behaviors which to some people deem as cold and calculating. Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is confusing and mind boggling at times, if you have done the research and are listening to what some supporters are saying but still don't understand or try to understand it's time to leave.

If it's been 4 months and you're already super sick of it then how would you cope if things got worse? As @Friday said it sounds like his PTSD is mild if he is at school and going out ... what if he does spiral backwards? How would you cope then if they went into full on isolation and didn't want to leave the house?

It's been 4 months for me and I can guarantee I have not seen the worst, like I said I have been lucky but I have also been very willing to research and change my way of thinking to understand. What I am very guilty of is constantly questioning whether I should txt or call or whether I'm smothering him, however I've been looking for signs and I know in his responses and demeanor whether to continue contacting or whether to give him a bit of space. I have accepted that I will always be the one to txt and call unless he's been in isolation and he will reach out to me when he's ready, I have accepted the fact that I will never be his ultimate priority and I have accepted the fact that I am not in what my friends and family think is a 'normal' relationship. I do this because he really is a wonderful human being and what time I do spend with him is amazing. I am a very independent person though and I don't have an issue with being alone or having my own space.

I don't know if I have been much help but I honestly do think from what you've said that you are both not the person the other person needs.

x

P.s my vet fought in Iraq and Afghanistan and had several deployments.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

@PartTimeWarriorLover

I really do think that you shouldn't be in this relationshi...

Yeah. Probably not. I think that the first few months were probably the "honeymoon" phase from him and he was on his best behavior.

I did talk to him last night and everything was cool. i think he does try but sometimes it's not enough. I don't know. It seems like every time I say I'm going to go my own way, he puts on his best behavior. Ugh!

 

[Newtoptsd]

Yeah. Probably not. I think that the first few months were probably the "honeymoon" phase...

I know it was the same for me, the first month aside from a wobble here and there was lovely, and now we're in the fourth month we have taken a million steps back. From reading posts on here it seems that when someone first starts dating someone with PTSD they get wrapped up in the romance and amazingness of it all (just the same as the start of a relationship with someone without PTSD) and then the cracks slowly begin to show. What I have done from the day I figured his PTSD and then he told me about it is research, even in the height of happiness I still read the books because I wanted to be prepared.

I think that's helped me massively when he did spiral downhill, he now lives back with his parents, I don't see him hardly as much and communication is not as frequent (still daily). We've taken ten steps back and are now taking things a day at a time and I honestly really do not mind. Obviously I would love to see him more but I care for him deeply enough to let him figure his life out and get back on track so to speak and I will be here for as long as he wants me to be a part of his journey.

Not many people could cope with the sudden retraction from the honeymoon phase but that's what life is like. My sufferer is currently going through being super super attentive and lovely but I don't get too excited or wrapped up in it because I would be setting myself up for a fall. Don't get me wrong I love it and it's really nice but I'm just a bit more guarded now about getting ahead of myself and thinking life will always be like this.

Do some reading and then you will be ready to make a decision :)

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Yes I have been reading when I have time. And talking to you ladies helps, so thank you so much.

I just wish he would get some counseling. He's got great goals and aspirations but they seem more like pipe dreams because I don't see much action. I cannot foresee him following through unless he gets professional help. He talks to his "brothers in arms" and that seems to help but I'm not sure if it's enough.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Yes I have been reading when I have time. And talking to you ladies helps, so thank you so...

There are so many supporters on here going through the same thing, I am probably not the best person to give advice seen as though my sufferer really is doing well despite taking a few steps back in life (touching wood it continues). You are already caring a great deal if you put yourself on here and have started reading in spare time ... honestly this is a lovely thing to do.

It's great that he's talking to his 'brothers in arms' though, my sufferer socializes with his combat buddies and it puts him in a good mood because they can all relate, they just get each other and know what they've been through. The not seeking therapy is really frustrating but he isn't doing too badly in the grand scheme of things? It's very early days so maybe take a few steps back and give it a few weeks to figure it out :)

 

[Deleted member 38137]

There are so many supporters on here going through the same thing, I am probably not the best person...

I know. It's more than just the PTSD. As I've previously stated, he's got some hyper sexuality issues that he made me aware of. And he was seeing a few girls when we met and continued to do so for a few weeks. And was dumb enough to tell my sister about it. So I have trust issues. So now I cannot help but wonder what he's doing if he isn't with mr. He swears he's not seeing anybody else but what am I to think???

This has just been a mess since I found that out. Especially when you add in the isolation. Always makes me go hmmm....

 

[Newtoptsd]

Gosh I know, well to some extent! I have pretty bad insecurities as I'm guessing most people do and because I haven't known my vet for very long I was initially very paranoid and needy about what he was up to and if he was seeing someone else. However he deleted his dating apps and told me and then I deleted mine and he has never given me any reason to believe he has not been monogamous. This is another reason why I'm happy to bypass the commitment thing and calling him my boyfriend. I know you said that he was changing his picture on his dating profile? This is where boundaries probably come into play, you should say I am not on dating sites because I am committed to giving 'us' a go and seeing if we could be something in the future, I would like you to do the same, if you cannot commit to doing that then I will leave and move on. If he doesn't do it, you have to stick to your boundary otherwise when you try to put other boundaries in place he won't believe you if you don't stick to the ultimatum. Does this make sense?

It's ok to express your wants and needs, just be sure to make sure they are absolutely essential because if you say you will leave if he doesn't do something then you have to stick to it.