Relationship When To Say When?

[dulcia]

Thanks for this thread, everyone. I really like the way it's been going :)

Great in theory. Not so great at 10.30pm working to winch a vehicle out of a bog.

Definitely in theory (lol), but good practice for newer PTSD relationships, I think. Being mindful of and deliberate with your words, recognizing/avoiding triggers, and accepting withdrawal or isolation is something that may come more naturally and become instinctual once you have been in a PTSD relationship for a while, but it's sometimes counter-intuitive when you're new to it all.

sick to the back teeth of being blamed by my vet for everything that is wrong in his life

I understand this feeling all too well. I generally get the blame and the criticisms when he is ZDT (triggered) but when he is stable again, they stop. I hope you have a break from the blame, too.

He thinks "the shit is going to hit the fan" at any given time and has weapons, gear and things stockpiled for survival

Yup. While I understood it, I wasn't into it at first. I tend to think more optimistically than people interested in prepping. I definitely don't think it can hurt, though. I've actually started including it into presents -- for Valentine's day I got him a kit I put together (waterproof matches, emergency thermal blankets, a paracord compass bracelet...) and he really enjoyed it. But I feel comfortable with that because it's an in the back of his mind thing as opposed to an every day agitated about the end of the world thing for him.

I really do think that you shouldn't be in this relationship from all that you have said above. It is really hard for most people to wrap their head around certain behaviors or begin to handle behaviors which to some people deem as cold and calculating.

My SO went ZDT when we were acquaintances but before we were intimately or emotionally involved. So while I only saw the tip of the iceberg of what he goes through and the extent of his behaviors, I was aware that there was an iceberg before we pursued a relationship. I think you have just seen the tip of the iceberg, with no way to know how big that iceberg really is. Speaking from experience, you can learn to manage said iceberg if you really want to and can deal with the symptoms that will come along with it. But no one can make that decision, but you. And the decision is best made when you can diminish as much of the co-dependent feelings as you can ;)

I'm new here. I'm new to realizing that I have a big part in helping deal with the PTSD component in my relationship and seeking out how to do that. (While he works on his part -- becoming consistent with therapy and his meds.) There are much more seasoned members here with great advice, sometimes that you don't want to hear and advice that you don't have to take. But they know their sh*t for the most part. My first post got a lot of comments about my relationship being abusive and I've been told multiple times (in here and out of here) that I should leave. But I didn't. And we're working on it. But with that being said, my SO has shown himself and his scars. So if I couldn't handle it, I should have left long ago. Otherwise, I am not being fair to him, and it will only reinforce his feelings of abandonment, distrust, and low self-worth.

I was initially very paranoid and needy about what he was up to and if he was seeing someone else.

I still struggle with this often. But that's about 25% him and 75% me. Affection is not easily given, so self-confidence and a sense of self-worth are important. And boundaries lol. The magic word in here.

if you say you will leave if he doesn't do something then you have to stick to it.

This.


Sorry if I've hijacked! This thread is just really working for me. I know reading long posts suck so no pressure :happy:

 

[Friday]

And I want NONE of you to take this the wrong way, but yes, you are displaying varying signs of codependency.

Relationships with people with disabilities are different than normal relationships. Whether that's being the parent of a special needs child, or the spouse of someone with PTSD. While there are definitely codependent supporters out there? What would be codependent in a normal relationship isn't necessarilly codependent in a relationship with someone who isn't normal. The facts of life are different when you're dealing with a disability.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Friday I'd like that post more than once if I could!

You can accomadate your partner's disability and not be codependent. My vet not only has severe PTSD, but TBIs that have effected his memory and cognitive skills, and combat injuries that have left him disabled. I take good care of him... but trust me, my bullshit tolerance level is low. I have made accomadarions, but I have very firm boundaries. I think I've found a pretty good balance.

 

[dulcia]

To a certain point, but then I'd be asking myself the question, why should I tiptoe around someone???

Just had a thought on this. In my head, it wasn't right that I was making all these accommodations and changes to my behavior and the way I do and respond to things... Why should I have to change when it seems like I'm putting more work into it than he is? BUT THEN I realized that these little things I'm changing or becoming more conscious of aren't just making me a better partner to my PTSD SO, they are making me a better human. And these little things are going to make me a better partner to whomever I'm with, whether with my current SO, or someone else down the road (hopefully not but still).

 

[Sighs]

it seems like I'm putting more work into it than he is?

My mother (who is a clinical psychologist and has been with my combat vet father for 51 years) says the partner that is the healthier of the two has to put in more work. Regardless of the particular issues in the relationship.

Or to put it another way and paraphrase Marx - "From each according to his/her ability. To each according to his/her needs."

And I'll give my dear old Dad the last word - "Who ever told you that life was going to be fair?"

 

[Newtoptsd]

@PartTimeWarriorLover

How are you getting on? Have you made any progress or had any thoughts on reading material? Sorry I've been quiet in replying had a busy 24hours at work. I hope you're ok!

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Hi There,

I have been dating my combat vet for 4 months as well, I can empathize with how you're fee...

Welcome Parttimewarriorlover. I have found the support and wisdom from the group to be like gold. The thread of posts from Newtoptsd to you is spot on, in my opinion.

A Relationship with PTSD sufferer is not for the feint hearted or insecure. I have been married to a sufferer for 17 years. Many of our struggles (and his behaviors) I attributed to "other issues", since he is not a vet. That is until there was a breakdown 3 years ago which brought everything into FULL frontal view. I have determined that "learned" coping mechanisms (especially in childhood to trauma) will NEVER go completely away, but they can improve with focus, PREPARATION, and support.

That being said, it is very hard for a person to be supportive of someone shutting you out emotionally, or screaming in your face ( ummm too much emotion being shared with me, thank you). As suggested by Newtoptsd, I too am trying to work on myself more. How can I better respond at his next "meltdown"? (ptsd sufferers please don't take that word as disrespectful, it is just how it feels). What can I do to relieve MY emotional anxiety, instead of eating a box of cookies? Who can I connect with to support ME in some of my emotional needs, as my SO will at times pretty much be able to give me nothing? Preparing myself helps me feel more in control and not a victim of his emotions.

It's an amazing thing that so many of us supporters continue to support PTSD sufferers, but unconditional love is a not a mushy feeling. It's a stone cold commitment and determination to another person, testing you at 3am, when the police knock on the door because someone was too loud in your house.

I am not saying "run for the hills", but tread forward slowly with your eyes wide open. May you be blessed......

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

Welcome Parttimewarriorlover. I have found the support and wisdom from the group to be like go...

Let me add that I am NOT saying that just because you love someone unconditionally, means you have to stay living with them or stay in the relationship for that matter! The healthy thing to do is determine what is ultimately best for the sufferer, the supporter, and the relationship... sometimes that is staying together and sometimes it is not. Holiday blessings to all on this priceless website.