When Your Abuser-parent Is Near The Throws Of Death

[The Albatross]

You're kind of clued into things in the way I am R4Me. There are ways to honor the relationship that do not require physical presence. A for instance right of the top of my head is intuitively sending 3 dozen roses to my fathers second wife. Unbeknownst to me, she was on her death bed. I initially was irritated that the florist sent out 3 dozen mixed roses (not what I'd ordered) along with my card thanking her for being in my father's life. Then I found out that mixed roses were her favorite and that she kept them on a vanity at the end of her bed and requested people to care for them for the entire week of her passing.

Sometimes the emotions that say we "should" be there are a quagmire... What does your intuitive side tell you?

 

[The Albatross]

To her, my message was meaningful in a way and at a time she would accept? (know you're on so didn't add this in edit). Perhaps something meaningful that she would understand without your physical presence is in order?

 

[Recovery4Me]

@The Albatross ...

Thinking on it, praying on it. I will get back to you on those solid considerations. I am trying to separate or pull some of the emotions from the taffy mix.:wideeyed: Thanks.

 

[The Albatross]

It is taffy because it is not just she but your own process. One time I just sent someone a feather. Re-read what you shared and a brief note with an object sometimes will suffice, of course you know the intent is key and has to be or rather should be pure so far as intentions for a "gift". Peace and closure and honor of the life in addition to the preservation and calm of your own, k?

 

[The Albatross]

Will anyone attend for your mother? One time something else I did, was find matching "forget me not" tiny pins (vintage) with a tiny cultured pearl (pearl being the only semi precious stone that comes from a living thing and being significant to me)... I'd had them for a very long while and didn't know why. My aunt could not attend her brother/my fathers funeral. I gifted one to his second wife and wore one for the service and sent it to her. There are any number of ways to intuitively navigate a difficult situation and come out the other side with peace.

 

[The Albatross]

Edited both of those last two so will withdraw for now, if you need me holler. For the emotions to tease out go back to the list of things about your mother you gave a bit up thread ago (post #36). Those are most likely the main ones.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

*I owe her the respect for the gift of life.
*I accept that the universe chose my parents as my caretakers (regardless of the outcome from their free agency of choices).

Nope, not for me. For me, Id had rather been aborted that to go through what I did. I would have rather not existed then to have gone through what I did...the deep dark hole that im trying to dig myself out of and will be the remainder of my days.

I can see and respect why you feel that way and that is ok. Im totally not saying its not. I just feel ZERO graditute that my mom chose to give birth to me just to tortue me later. The things I had to see and the things I was forced to do, NO ONE deserves to go through that (but me, my mind says). And now im left to try the best I can to pick up the pieces of me.

And "god" or the universe and whoever that chose these parents can bite me!

 

[aut555]

My father passed with cancer. I confronted him with abuse of a certain nature and emotional abuse. He denied it. I stop talking to him. Later after he passed, my mom told me. I felt at peace the month he passed, and it was okay to visit my mom then. So l guess l avoided the whole issue completely and probably didn't help anybody with this post. He was abusive since l was a small child, and abused my mother, and brother too.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Recovery4Me Try to trust your gut instincts on this one because after she dies you will be left with tons of conflicted emotions and thoughts I think perhaps or perhaps not as the case may be.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope that you will not suffer regrets later on so you have to figure out how to be safe and protected if you do go to see her.:hug:

 

[scout86]

You've probably thought of this. My T's comment on all of my "what do I do about THIS?" stuff was "ask yourself how you think you'd feel about the decision a few years down the road." As best you can. For myself, I have no regrets about how I handled things with my parents. Whatever you decide, it will be the best decision you know how to make at this time and that will be ok.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Will anyone attend for your mother?

My Sister whom was raised by foster care (says a lot right there, yes? :meh:) and her Son will be attending. I suppose my Brother may go. I will talk to him shortly. However, I needed to gather myself before I contact him. My Son and DIL visited her about a month or so back, to pay respects. They will go to the funeral. Maybe one friend of Mom's depending on where it is held.

So... no problem there. As well Momster is being taken care of and attended by my Sis ( nurse) during this this season. So no guilt concerning those areas nor any urge to merge in the mix.

probably didn't help anybody with this post. He was abusive since l was a small child, and abused my mother, and brother too.

You added your voice to an area that many of us have faced or will face. As well I am sorry for your pain and thank you for your share.:hug: if you accept

He denied it.

Yes, it is rare for a sex offender to own up to their deeds. I did not even try to obtain that from my father nor do I expect any admittance from my Mom on her infliction of torture.

My partial closures on some of those areas came from my journey in therapy, board work through out the years and through Bible spirituality work. I think in my attempting to assist various students or others along the way whom suffered...I found an peace in which to offer strength at times.

NO ONE deserves

I agree: no one deserves to be hurt in such a manner.:hug: And as well, I do shake my fist at the universe too at times!:hilarious:

so you have to figure out how to be safe and protected if you do go to see her.:hug:

Understood. :hug: