When Your Abuser-parent Is Near The Throws Of Death

[katz]

I'm sure that I said it before, but I have a letter that I wrote to "God" when I was a child. I was asking Him to "make him stop". I had thought for a long time about putting the letter in his casket when he dies, then just letting God make the final judgement about forgiveness --so I didn't have too.

It's still a very sensitive issue for me...but I'm working on it. I still don't know how I will feel when it happens or if I will put anything in...

 

[MisterCatLady]

My abuser father is in poor health and I always thought I would feel inconsolable guilt if he passed before we made amends. Now I'm finally starting to hold him accountable for his actions and I think I would even feel safer after his passing. I feel no need to "fix" our relationship or make peace. It just is what it is and that's okay.

 

[katz]

Maybe he just groomed me so well that I can't feel the anger at him. I know that he deserves it. However, as weird as it sounds--I have told him that I love him.

I think that I do this not for him--but for me. If I ever were to regret telling him - anything - I would have to deal with this regret for the rest of my life. And, I don't deserve that.

I find that I do this with everyone in my family. Only to protect myself and avoid any feelings of regret in the future. After I leave everyone, I always tell myself that if they died tomorrow, I have told them, and that I'm okay with that.

I did this with my favorite grandparents. When they both passed away--the same year-- I had no doubt that they knew how much I loved them. It made their death much easier for me to deal with.

I know that it is very different for the people who hurt me and didn't help me when I needed them the most, but "for me", it will help me down the road. In a way, I'm still only looking out for "number 1".