When Your Supporters Are All Doing The Right Thing. . .

[Zef]

I have a good t, my wife is amazing, my workmates are understanding. All of them are doing the right things to keep me functional and productive in the real world.

Keeping me functional is a good thing, my kids and spouse need me functional for monetary support, I'm needed at work to get my workmates through a difficult time right now and everybody seems to be motivated to help, not by what I can do for them, but out of genuine care.

But, sometimes, I don't get it. The value of remaining functional seems to be less than the value I would get if I gave up and stopped trying.

This world is hard and there is no magic in it. I want to go find a world with magic in it. I want to just go away inside my head and not come back. Apparently, this is a bad thing.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Zef, I know what you mean. The world was once a magical place when we were young. It depends on what kind of parents we had and how they impacted us if we saw the world as a magic place. I sure hope this makes sense.

Ptsd tends to suck the life out of everything at times. But there are still good days to be had. I am glad that you have such a great support system. That is a form of magic all by itself. I know you want to go away and not come back. You sound tired.

I hope for you some interesting distractions and diversions. I hope for you some real chances for laughter. I can always hope can't I? Take good care of you and do something good for you. I know what you mean about going away. I want to do that at times too. But I do not. I refuse to give up. I am so happy for you that you have so much great support. This is quite an accomplishment. How did you do it?

 

[Red Feather]

I think you can find magic without having to go away. Going away implies dissociating. It imples negating life too. We dissociate because we are traumatized. Because the PTSD cup is too full, because things are so hard, we become overwhelmed. I don't think this has anything to do with magic. Magic would be facing life and still being able to dream. It means accepting reality the way it is, so that it can be transformed. The magic happens inside as soon as we can start dreaming and finding reasons to hope.

The value of remaining functional seems to be less than the value I would get if I gave up and stopped trying.

I don't understand this sentence. I don't get what you are trying to say. Like what is value in your eyes? Is it a monetary value? And how can giving up be valuable? What are you giving up then? Does giving up mean being weak? Or does it mean letting go? Isn't it possible to accept help but still forgive and be okay for the way things are? What about the song called "Lean on me" How does that song make you feel?

Take care. ((((hugs))))

 

[Zef]

Great questions.

I think I mean internal value. I don't internally value money or most other physical, real world stuff. I understand the need for it, I understand that other people desire nice homes and cars and toys, but I seem to care a lot less about real world stuff than other people.

What I do value is actually a pretty tough question for me. Internal peace is the first thing to come to mind, though.

I guess my primary motivational value is my family. They need me around and as healthy as possible. So, that is the main reason I fight. I think I am just very tired right now. Going through a period with lots of bad dreams and flashbacks and some new disassociation symptoms (I think).

I want the fight to be over right now. I want to create a world where the pain is gone.

 

[Innordinate]

Exactly your first post.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Personally,I think PTSD is brain damage. My brain will not work even when supporters are the best. It is like being in a nursing home. My aunt was still dementia even when we were there comforting her.

 

[NIKI]

Zef, I hope you feel better soon.

Try to remember all the positive things you have in your life. I know it's hard because when I am feeling really down I tend to forget every good thing going on in my life.

Just wanted you to know I hear you.

 

[Eleanor]

Where is the magic wand? I put it right here I thought.... drat. I was SURE I had it right here....:confused:

Seriously, I do wish I had a magic want I could wave. Tired is what the first post sounded. It is hard to care about much when sleep is scarce. And it IS easier to give up - in the short term. But in the long term it is MUCH MUCH harder.

Maybe you could do a few down days to just REST. I think they call those things... vacations.? I mean, you have to take your brain along (as a practical matter) but maybe you could go someplace or do some things that would insulate you for a little while, a day or three. Sometimes, that is just what it takes. (I am guessing here, but I'm thinking you might not be so good at this, and even that it might make your family and supporters nervous?)

Wishing you rest and peaceful relaxation...

 

[Zef]

All of you had great responses, thank you.

I think yesterday when I posted was the the first time I've ever disassociated to that extent. Your comments helped ground me, I think. Feeling more like my normal miserable self today. :)

REST is coming, just have to make it to July 4, then 5 days of quiet. Like Niki, when I am down, it is very difficult to remember anything good. Just as much of a problem for me, is when things are relatively good, I forget how bad things can get. . .then I end up pushing myself back over the cliff.