J_trustno1
Diamond Member
Over the years, I have learned that there was no warmth in the family. The word "love" didn't exist in my family's dictionary. It was all about taunting on another, put downs, swearing at women, beating/berating women, hate for the girl child so I was pretty much non-existent or unwanted child.
Anyway, let's not get carried away from the topic. So today I was given a task to do for my mother and I was simply doing it as a duty but had no feelings or eagerness to do it. I usually love doing things that I am given (i.e. study or work tasks) but when it comes to my mum or other family members, I have no compassion or warmth instead I do them just as a duty or a role to fulfill it. She was standing right next to me in my room when I was filling out this form for her but I told her to give me some space because I felt she was spying over me when she in fact wasn't.
Other story that is mostly related to my mum about 12 years ago when I was 15 years old. That time I worked at the supermarket and I was being paid $5.60 an hour and after tax it was less than $5. So when mother's day arrived that year I bought my mother this Jacket for $50, which cost me more than 10 hours of standing at a supermarket checkout and doing other tasks such as cleaning etc and also listening to people's shit. To me the gift for her was my thought and love for her. Guess what she's done? She returned the jacket and got the $50 voucher instead. There was no f*cking appreciation for my thought, my love or warmth instead she said she hated the jacket. I was very hurt that day. I even bought her a flower bouquet but ever since then I stopped buying her anything instead I gave her money because I know she will NEVER appreciate my feelings or thoughts and I was WASTING my bloody time on her.
Then comes the time when I was forced into child labor and my mother never stood up for me, instead I was standing up for her when she was being treated like crap. My mother used to protest against me whenever I rebelled or tried speaking back to my asshole abusers. She always made me shut up AND NOW I have NO f*ckING feelings left for her. I'm just numb and cold to the words "family and love", These words mean nothing to me in the context of family!
Does anyone else feel cold and numb towards their abusers or family or whoever never appreciated them?
P.S. I always want space from my biological family because I simply feel that they are NOT worth my compassion.
Anyway, let's not get carried away from the topic. So today I was given a task to do for my mother and I was simply doing it as a duty but had no feelings or eagerness to do it. I usually love doing things that I am given (i.e. study or work tasks) but when it comes to my mum or other family members, I have no compassion or warmth instead I do them just as a duty or a role to fulfill it. She was standing right next to me in my room when I was filling out this form for her but I told her to give me some space because I felt she was spying over me when she in fact wasn't.
Other story that is mostly related to my mum about 12 years ago when I was 15 years old. That time I worked at the supermarket and I was being paid $5.60 an hour and after tax it was less than $5. So when mother's day arrived that year I bought my mother this Jacket for $50, which cost me more than 10 hours of standing at a supermarket checkout and doing other tasks such as cleaning etc and also listening to people's shit. To me the gift for her was my thought and love for her. Guess what she's done? She returned the jacket and got the $50 voucher instead. There was no f*cking appreciation for my thought, my love or warmth instead she said she hated the jacket. I was very hurt that day. I even bought her a flower bouquet but ever since then I stopped buying her anything instead I gave her money because I know she will NEVER appreciate my feelings or thoughts and I was WASTING my bloody time on her.
Then comes the time when I was forced into child labor and my mother never stood up for me, instead I was standing up for her when she was being treated like crap. My mother used to protest against me whenever I rebelled or tried speaking back to my asshole abusers. She always made me shut up AND NOW I have NO f*ckING feelings left for her. I'm just numb and cold to the words "family and love", These words mean nothing to me in the context of family!
Does anyone else feel cold and numb towards their abusers or family or whoever never appreciated them?
P.S. I always want space from my biological family because I simply feel that they are NOT worth my compassion.
