Poll Where Do You Find A Sense Of Belonging?

[ms spock]

Do you still feel you're walking through the minefield?

Yes I seem to be stuck in this trauma state. It is paralyzing me.

I wish I had a sister like you. Give yourself credit for nurturing and protecting your siblings. That's remarkable! Many don't!!!

Thank you, it means a lot.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I try to take a logical approach. Intellectualization. The brain is a profoundly complex organ. It helps knowing you can transcend emotional and body pain. Understand it's a manifestation of fear. Easier said than done. Having to rewire your brain from feeding off negative experiences others have projected on you is..well...taking a hopeful leap of faith. It's all about releasing negative emotions I would rather view it from a logical approach than dwell in the despair of the moment. I hope it works.

 

[jocko]

I haven't had that feeling in consistent way in years. I didn't have it with my family and so I guess Ive always felt like i belong nowhere? I felt it strongly in therapy groups and when I used to live in the hospital but then after its done all those people disappear and you're back to square 1

 

[Valentino]

How do you begin to trust someone? (omg first real question!!!!)

Trust can be thought of as predictability of behavior. An individual can trust an environment or individual when he or she can predict what this individual (or individuals) within the environment will do and how he or she will respond.

For example, a child who is being abused by her father does not feel safe with him because she cannot predict how he will respond: protectively, as a father, or abusively, as a molester. There is no consistency in her environment. At certain times her father may respond to her in kind ways and with words of support; at other times, however, he may act sexually abusive toward her. Men and women in combat situations also cannot predict the behavior of certain individuals in their environment. They can be ambushed at any time and essentially cannot trust (ie. predict) the safety of their environment from one moment to the next. The environment of individuals whose partners are trauma survivors might also lack predictability and consistency, and therefore trust and safety. A partner may not be able to predict when something will trigger a flashback for his or her spouse, or how his or her spouse will respond to a request of intimacy.

--- page 372 "Cognitive Behavioral Therapies for Trauma" edited by Follette and Ruzek

Trust comes from predictability and consistency. You need to learn how to look underneath the surface, and discover what's predictable and consistent, if you simply take what people say and do at face value, you will be confused often.

Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words.

For me: I have learned to read people's body language, watch their actions, recognize context, and look for patterns of behavior; which helps me better understand them and predict future behavior. The more I can figure out what a person's core inner motivations, needs, and priorities are; the better I can trust them, but also the better I can communicate with them, and also possibly help meet their needs.

My natural talents and skills might be different than most, so each individual would have to discover and develop their best strengths for finding predictability and consistency when dealing with others, self and life. Then trust would naturally follow.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would like that post 1000 times. Thank you!

The only part I don't understand, or simply do not have the aptitude for, is having trust in a person's core motivations, needs, priorities, or feelings (I would add) about how things are. Except to ask and hopefully they will answer honestly. Perhaps because I (just personally) cannot trust my own observations, and have a poor sense of self-worth.

 

[billie]

Yeah, I kinda get what your saying Ive been working on affection and tourture not being correlated together in my therapy sessions. I am just coming to terms that my T wont hurt me. My programing most of my life has been one of reflection to extreme situations. Thankyou for your imput Valentino, I want to recover.

 

[Hashi]

I didn't have it with my family and so I guess Ive always felt like i belong nowhere?

I had zero sense of belonging with my family apart from my older sister. I mean that literally, all the others were just people whose house I lived in. My connection to my sister wasn't so much a sense of belonging with someone else, because well into adolescence I saw her as part of myself (messed up sense of reality and identity, long story). I was also very isolated at school and had no friends before the age of 16.

I think my reaction to that might have been almost the opposite of what you say. It made me consciously decide to find some belonging, and at the same time to be pragmatic about that and accept that it's limited in various ways. Especially my own limitations - there are a very small number of people or situations that I want to belong to.

I don't mean either reaction's right or wrong. They're just different reactions, and what you've said has made me more aware of my own.

I felt it strongly in therapy groups and when I used to live in the hospital but then after its done all those people disappear and you're back to square 1

Personally, I feel that if something was there and is now lost then it means that at least I'm capable of it.

One of the pragmatic approaches I have to belonging is that I'm happy for it to be compartmentalised. I'll accept belonging that's time limited or restricted to one aspect of my life. Like my book club - I only see the people there for a couple of hours once a month but I feel a lot of connection because I love books and so do they. It's more like I belong to "love of books" rather than I belong to that group of people. When I lived abroad I felt I belonged with the group of friends I had there. But we were friends in that situation, not back home afterwards.

For me, that's OK but then I think I can have quite a detached approach and don't always see things like other people.

A therapy group is maybe a bit different from many other things. A group like that is designed to foster trust and belonging. The group dynamic is carefully created and maintained. I wonder, are there any other types of groups that you might be interested in joining that would have at least a little bit of facilitation, ground rules and structure? Groups that would be ongoing, outside trauma and therapy. Maybe something to do with a hobby, an interest, practising a skill, volunteering?

 

[Eleanor]

trying to keep my sisters and brothers alive and trying to make decisions in random violence

You are a natural hero. The one who instinctively goes to the rescue. Of course, in difficult situations that may or may not be possible. Adults who really have the resources to understand dangerous situation and have practiced and trained in how to respond to them often get it wrong. It is a really really tricky thing to do. Kids should not have to be the hero over and over and over again.

I am sorry you are stuck "on high alert." It is not a fun place to be.:(

You deserve ever so much better.

Sometimes I think about all the rather stupid and inept people I know who run their own businesses and make lots of money - and I am stunned by how possible it is to get things totally wrong a huge percentage of the time and still be successful. There is a lesson in there somewhere. I think.

 

[ms spock]

@Eleanor It is hard I am working on it.

 

[ms spock]

Sometimes I think about all the rather stupid and inept people I know who run their own businesses and make lots of money - and I am stunned by how possible it is to get things totally wrong a huge percentage of the time and still be successful. There is a lesson in there somewhere. I think.

If you get it please let me know.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

Talk is cheap, actions speak louder than words. For me: I have learned to read people's body language, watch their actions, recognize context, and look for patterns of behavior; which helps me better understand them and predict future behavior. The more I can figure out what a person's core inner motivations, needs, and priorities are; the better I can trust them, but also the better I can communicate with them, and also possibly help meet their needs. My natural talents and skills might be different than most, so each individual would have to discover and develop their best strengths for finding predictability and consistency when dealing with others, self and life. Then trust would naturally follow.

Amen. The first thing I determine in a person is their emotional intelligence. Do they have the ability to understand? Sadly most don't. :( As an adult my balance is surrounding myself with positive ppl and look for the disenchanted to help us both through this journey called life. :)

Trust can be thought of as predictability of behavior. An individual can trust an environment or individual when he or she can predict what this individual (or individuals) within the environment will do and how he or she will respond.

I learned early to go straight to the root of the problem. It's the key to my sanity. It's how I learned not to take anything personally. Crazy is crazy. There's no rhyme or reason . You just deal. " Fly low fly fast." I have a high emotional intelligence.

There is no consistency in her environment. At certain times her father (family) may respond to her in kind ways and with words of support (insincere words) ; at other times, however, he (they) may act sexually physically and mentally abusive toward her.

This is where I learned everyone can be nice. Everyone has an agenda a motive. Everyone. This is where I learned to adapt and learn the difference between good and evil..

They can be ambushed at any time and essentially cannot trust (ie. predict) the safety of their environment from one moment to the next

Also known as the minefield. It's terrifying. And the root of my trust issues.

 

[Hashi]

When people talk about trust issues, are you saying this is an obstacle to feeling you belong anywhere?

I can see that you need trust to feel belonging, but I don't feel that trust = belonging. I trust people who share my beliefs (metaphysical - I go to workshops and sometimes groups) but I don't feel I belong there. It's safe, and it gives me other things like understanding, but it's not "my place".

Or do people feel that trust is what gives a feeling of belonging, for them? I'm trying to understand.