General Where To Begin?

[Emmylou]

Well, after the worst week so far with my combat veteran husband, I'm actively trying to seek help.

Despite the fact that I'm pretty heartbroken right now, I'm a tough cookie and there's a survivor's voice in me going, "What now?" ever since I stopped my evening of crying. I don't know where to begin, and was wondering: what did you wish you had known? what do you wish someone had told you? Anything else?

A little background: my husband has a history of PTSD symptoms (from serious childhood abuse), but there's been a huge escalation since he got back from Afghanistan a few months ago. I'm also an abuse survivor, and I see our relationship teetering towards serious emotional abuse, and I think that more than anything else is what sent me here. I don't want to go there again (not that I had much choice the first time), but I also know there's a difference between abusive behavior and an abuser, and I also know that I'm new to this and I don't really know how to react to him all the time. This week, the constant demoralization has really been in high gear and I feel myself starting to internalize it (maybe I really am as bad as he seems to think I am?).

I've also fallen into the "caretaker" trap per my therapist (who is experienced in this area and has been a total rockstar through this). So I guess part of the current pains is me trying to shift from being an enabler to a spouse that actually gives him what he needs.

I don't know. I've snapped into survivor mode so I may be coming off as a little sociopathic. But I do know I need help, and while my IRL friends are sympathetic, they have no idea what I'm going through, and thank god for that.

 

[Bilby]

Hi Emmylou,

There's a good book called The PTSD Relationship - I wish I had read that a long time ago. I also wish I had educated myself a hell of a lot sooner - about what PTSD means for the sufferer, but also for the carer. Another thing I have read on this forum a lot in my time here, is how important it is to have your own interests and your own life beyond the relationship/PTSD. I have to say that I struggle with this though, as I'm a bit of a hermit.

Another thing that is incredibly important is communication - assertive communication. It's something that totally fell by the wayside with my husband and I - our relationship deteriorated quite badly. We worked on this very hard, together, after his stay in hospital for PTSD, but we're going through another difficult patch at the moment... Also, boundaries. Setting boundaries is another crucial point. I guess my point is that any relationship requires work, but one that has extra hurdles to address, such as PTSD, requires even more work.

I am really glad you have a therapist - it is essential that you continue on with your own therapy - not only to deal with your own issues, but to also deal with what is happening in your relationship with someone who has PTSD.

This week, the constant demoralization has really been in high gear and I feel myself starting to internalize it (maybe I really am as bad as he seems to think I am?).

No Emmylou, I'm quite sure you're not. :) I do know what it's like though, to feel as though there really is something wrong with you. I know I'm not perfect and I have my own issues, but sometimes, I just feel like somehow, perhaps it is me that is the issue.

B x

 

[Toria]

You might also want to try Co-dependent No More based on your comment:

So I guess part of the current pains is me trying to shift from being an enabler to a spouse that actually gives him what he needs.

I found it to be a confusing book in many ways, as I believe there is a very fine line between being co-dependent and simply wanting the best for your loved one.

The PTSD Relationship is a great book - it was the first one I bought and it was like reading all about me!