Childhood Who Had Earliest Of Early Traumas?

[Chava]

And how do they think they've affected you?

I had a couple assaults as an adult, one I mostly remember. I tried to kill myself after that one...a few times. But I also think I understand the limited way the effects my life (I don't date...but I think that stems back to really ancient problems connecting...and this is obviously harder to work with).

So, I was a sick fetus, growing in a stressed out mom. I had some congenital abnormalities and was too tiny and unable to breathe when born so stayed in the hospital, mostly alone in my life box, for a month or so. I went home to a disconnected mother (later turned to rages that had to have been dissociative for how she looked through us and made us feel invisible). And by the time my mom noticed I was sick my lungs were already collapsing... in early childhood, so I was back in PICU in a bigger metro hospital, far away from family (other kids to care for at home). I made one friend in PICU and then she disappeared so I assumed she died. That was certainly a new trauma but like flamed open the original one, I assume. I was sort of invisible, or like in an outer world, looking in on this one. I started isolating myself and connecting in weird ways, like through pet rocks.

And so it goes. Every later childhood or adult trauma brings me back to shutdown and immobilization I felt as an infant. My only adult response seems to be killing myself. Of course through therapy I'm understanding I have more options. Yay for that!

I don't have regular flashbacks like typical PTSD, though have at different periods in my life, and lots of avoidance of reminders of any of these things. But mainly my sense of self is horrible, my regulation is a mess, and I've made it to my 40s connected to almost nobody. Also extremely sensitive on every possible level (feelings, sensations, sounds, lights). Autism-esque traits, but all early childhood shock, near death, and attachment trauma.

 

[Kintsugi]

I'm pretty sure my mother had PTSD. She was diagnosed bipolar, but she had been repeatedly raped as a child by an abusive step father at least as early as age nine, she was homeless as a young teen, and my father was extremely abusive. I'm positive the abuse was going on while I was in the womb, and my adoptive parents are pretty sure he forced her to surrender me.

If you believe the adult adoptee websites I've been reading recently, apparently being separated from your biological mother--even as an infant--is considered traumatic to a child. I'm not sure how I feel about that, yet.


ETA: I forgot about the affected part. I think I was extremely high risk for PTSD before my traumas from 3 or 4 years old up. So, I think I just got royally f*cked neurologically. My T says it sounds like I had really early attachment problems. These websites say this is very common in adoptees. I don't know what to make of that. I know my mother's parenting style with me (specifically--it was radically different from my siblings' rearing) did not help matters.

 

[Chava]

@Simply Simon It's good to be skeptical or just learn from your own process and experience. I know a couple of my best friends who were adopted had many struggles in the areas of regulation and relationship. Both were incredibly bright...but like they had really high-pitched nervous systems but not working in favor of human connection. But we made easy friendships. I'm sure the family you are adopted into makes a huge difference since an adopted baby would have an especially high need to fee safe and loved and connected. I've thought about adoption myself but know I would not be the best mother to an adopted child. If I ever had kids (will not), my heart would want me to adopt.

 

[jaccat]

My mother drank through her pregnancy with me. I was born sickly, with a dependence on alcohol. The doctors (mis)diagnosed me with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (a whole story in itself) and I was put in the ICU for some time. When I did eventually go home it was into a neglectful and disordered environment.

I never recognised until recently how much impact that very early part of my life had on me. I have some neurological 'quirks' that I put down to brain damage- clumsiness and some difficulty with spacial recognition. But it was only recently that I realised a lot of my other issues can be dated back to this time. The insomnia, the refusing to eat and vomiting, the obsession with family members dying, relationship difficulties, and so on.

 

[Sammyiam]

I was born in November and my due date was early Feburary, back in the 60's it wasn't like it is now days. I was put in an incubator and they wouldn't say if I was going to live or die for weeks. The first time my Mother held me was Christmas Day for a couple of minutes. I never thought anything of this but my psychologist says it has huge impacts on babies. I often tried to ask my Mum about when I was born but she never talked about it at all, and would never answer questions except she found it hard very hard to cope with a babie that was a few months old when I came home for the first time. Now my Mum has died and I have no one to ask anymore it has all gone with out me ever knowing.

I don't know how to feel about all of this, can going through all that from day one cause different feelings from a baby that has love and touch from day 1 ? I spent a long time without touch and probably poked and stuck with needles for a couple of months at least by what I can gather. My Mum went home and I stayed there as I had a sister and two older brothers who were 7, 9 and 11 years older than me to look after. I never felt loved by my Mum and always was just the silent shy child growing up. Maybe it would have been different if I have be born at the right time ? Maybe not. How do you know ? I will never know now she has gone just that I never was good enough for her.

 

[Fadeaway]

My mother proudly admitted she did drugs when pregnant with me. She believed LSD would create a more intelligent child. WTF!? I know the first few years of my life were filled with abuse cycled in with neglect. I have been told a lot of horrific stories about my first few years of life.

Does it affect me? Absolutely. I go in to shear panic when it comes to having to depend on others to get my needs met. Hands down I would say that is my biggest constant issue. Constant fear of needing and not being able to to get that need met. Dealing with red tape when it comes to SSI really bothers it.

In a way I am a hoarder. Just on specific things like food, medical supplies and personal hygiene items. I fear running out and having to depend on a store that may or may not be out of the item I need. The panic is a very child like panic. I feel like a child trying to get my mom to get me what ever I needed; food, band aide a hug, whatever. Frustration over the inability to figure out how to get what I need can grow to the point my mind shuts down, then I panic more because I can't think.

Yes, I am very f*cked up from early trauma.

This has been one of those, man it feels good to get that off my chest moments. Thanks Chava.

@Sammyiam I think I may be able to answer some of your questions from the perspective of a mother wh has been in your mothers shoes regarding a severely premature baby. From a mothers perspective, it does screw with your mind. I blame the medical system for that. That is when my dissociation started for me. Message me if you are ever interested.

 

[Sammyiam]

@Fadeaway
After reading your post, I realise maybe a lot of my issues come from early childhood as well but just want to stick my head in the sand and hide.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Sammyiam I understand :hug:

 

[Digz]

I wasn't born sickly, but was never attached to my mother or anyone else from birth as my mother had had post-natal depression and I was also abused by my father pretty much from the day I was born. My mother blamed me for the abuse, claiming to me as I grew, that I was a slut and it was my fault. This trauma from very early childhood, I believe too, has just caused so much of my brain development and pathways to happen differently. My response too is to think 'I want to die' first. My brain constantly tells me, especially if things aren't going well, 'Nobody loves you', despite being married now. My DID has involved personalities so young, there are feelings that come to me that I often have no idea where they've come from and why I'm upset. I binge eat and the young child part of me tells my therapist that she likes to eat lots because being fat means you're not attractive and noone will want to look at you sexually.
Early trauma, I think, is so terrible because your brain is not yet developed and so it causes that development to change in response to it. Mine certainly did. :(

 

[greenleaf]

It hard to know what age a lot of stuff was for me; memories are very few even for middle childhood, and these days even last week is foggy. I am hoping things will get a bit more clear with work, the idea of permanent damage is scary to me.

 

[rightkindofme]

My mom smoked, drank, did pot, and speed when she was pregnant with me. I think I was held as a baby--I was the precious dolly. But I was born into a violent, incestuous family. Things were broken before me and during my infancy things were really bad in my house. I know the sexual assault started when my diapers came off. I potty trained at 14 months.

I have a lot of issues. All over the place.

 

[sun seeker]

My mother had an IUD when she got pregnant with me. She didn't realize she was pregnant until she felt me kicking (roughly halfway through). She then spent the rest of the pregnancy terrified that she would give birth to a "monster" as she put it. I am glad to know this because it explains a lot that I would have no other way of explaining from memories I am aware of. There is an ongoing battle in me between wanting to be dead and feeling like I have to fight for my life, yet don't deserve to live. I also have a really hard time taking in love, or goodness of any kind, because I am so afraid I don't deserve it and it will be taken away again. There are other things around attachment that can be explained by my mother's unresponsiveness after I was born, but since the thread is about what's earliest, this is the earliest for me.

Good topic, thanks Chava.