Why Am I Sooo Terrified To Share / Speak???

[You can get through it]

Tel

If you do not speak, who will speak for you?

I can understand that to write a full account will lay you bare so you need to ask yourself the question, will disclosure to the wider world help or hinder you recovery?

Decades are a long time to hold onto your words, PTSD has a non rational way of making you feel guilty even when none can be attributed, trust your gut feeling as these feelings will not normally let you down. The reason you are now struggling to recount may be down to the simple act of self preservation and the need to put the past behind you and move onto better times.

One thing I know for sure is that you are physically safe from the one who damaged you so don't carry on the legacy of fear because he is not worthy of your precious and all consuming thoughts.

Steve

 

[anni]

Yes! I seriously did the same thing! I wish it wasn't in regards to someone being dead, since I suppose there's nothing funny about that but on the other hand I have a terrible time being 'sorry' he's not here anymore. The reaction was hysterical at my end, enough so that an old friend of ours I'd known when I was married to him started laughing when she heard me on the other end of the phone. I called her to ask 'Um, did you hear anything about um, Whats-it being maybe not here anymore?'. I did get the death certificate, the burial plot, the hospital report-all of it and still.... . Funny what our heads tell us, isn't it?

 

[J.C.]

Once you have had your saftey stolen or taken away from you. Then are forced to endure horrific encounters where you know you are unsafe from danger, in actual danger, even perceived danger. It takes awhile to restore that sense of safety. A true sense of it, no illusions.
I can not fall asleep at night even if I happen to be the only human here or not unless, I close every door.

I can not sleep with my door open even if no one is here. It's a small part of what calms me down so I can sleep. It takes a big combination of things to calm me. I never give up. I keep calm and carry on. Sometimes I just carry on, the calm is bound to come some how/way/moment/day.

Every once in a while things happen where the PTSD gets turned back on and oh man...it always will. It is just the way it is.

 

[You can get through it]

Hi JC
There are things that trigger my bad thoughts, however I now accept these triggers will always be woven into the fabric of my life and are part of who I am. I can try to kick against them or use the insight I have gained to redirect the emotion to more positve aspects of my life. All I know is things will improve if you can find a way to channel the negative aspects of your life event into something more positive.
We all as PTSD sufferers have gaind an insight of which most other people will never encounter and if we use our experiences wisely we can rebuild our lives stronger without surrounding ourselves with high walls because inside these high walls we may perceive to keep the bad things at bay, however if this perception be true we can also lock out the good things that want to come our way.
You will win because you have chosen a winning path that will lead you away from the those dark thoughts that lurk within shadows of your mind.
Steve

 

[Iam]

Welcome to the forum TEL. I am so sorry that you had to witness and be a victim to such atrocities. How very brave and strong you are to have survived so much.

In response to your question "Why now?" It sounds like you are under a lot of stress due to loss of your job, finances and having to suspend your therapy for now. It could be that your current stress is causing body sensations that your subconscious recognizes as the sensations from your trauma. Our bodies remember and current stress can be the trigger that throws us into somatic flashbacks and it can spiral from there.

I'm glad you found the forum. You'll find others here with similar stories which will help you feel supported. Even if the cause of PTSD is different, we all suffer from it's symptoms. Thankfully, as you've learned, there are ways to manage them and with support you'll get there again.

(((HUGS)))

 

[Lightseeker]

Hello TEL, and welcome.

I don't visit here nearly as often as I should, but want to tell you some things that helped me a lot when I could not speak of what happened to me. I had big sheets of blank paper and crayons in front of me. I closed my eyes and being right handed, I picked up a crayon in my left hand and started to draw. I did this with a therapist. What came out was amazing. I want to take that terrified, grateful 7 year old girl and cradle her gently and tell her how proud I am of her. How strong she is. How smart she was to figure out what to do to survive. And that I know it will take a long time to feel safe, and that that is okay. To take whatever time she needs. It doesn't always take words to speak. I hope this helps a little. Once again, welcome.

 

[TEL]

Everyone who has shared on this thread has really blessed me while reading them. Thank you all. I am still learning to navigate around this forum and think sometimes I've missed things. Oh well. Learning and growing.
I think this whole book thing for me is necessary in order to be done with it, put it behind me. And I've discovered something important this week;
I've always struggled with writing it alone. Others read it and tell me I'm keeping too much emotional distance in my writing. Yet, Ts have always told me to keep emotional distance while writing it, in order to not fall in too deeply myself. Good grief, no wonder I've been frustrated/confused.
I've been longing for someone to come alongside me, to help me write it. [actually, I've written it in full over and over again, just not DONE yet, not quite RIGHT). Although I've had a few offers, no one really stood out for me to sense they were THE one to help me. But this week, just the right person has appeared.
So now I must press against all those emotions and seek funding. Thankfully, a former T has a few contacts he believes may help w/funding. Waiting to see what happens with this...
My cousin wrote to me and said I need to write this book, reclaim my life and start living.
Even as I share about this, I'm thinking, [EVERYONE who has ptsd is qualified to write a book, who am I to think I should?].
I feel like everybody on this forum is like family to me. I know that sounds strange, but I feel like you CARE. You've all been through personal tsunamis and you understand.
Yes, finances have been a huge drain and stress on me. Looking for work while learning new job skills while addressing the book issue,....on and on...is alot. My hubby says I'm not getting a job offer because that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. He believes I need to focus on the book and music/ministry. Most years I've been employed in music ministry. When that ended last July (big fallout in hierarchy, they cancelled entire thing), I've looked and looked for that kind of work again. But here in TX, lots of talented people willing to do it for free. So, although I need a job, I'm volunteering to provide music for a nearby women's shelter for their chapel services. I figure, sow and reap. And they HURT and its wonderful to minister through music.
But I can't throw out common sense here. Although I would just love to continue what I'm doing and not work a full time office job, the fact remains that we're drowning financially. Someone I haven't spoken to in years, out of the blue, just sent me money. I was humbled/embarrassed, but not too proud to accept it. I spent a whole year paying to build a website and giving away lots of my work for free (spare you all details here). Fallen behind in hosting payments and now the site is down. SAD. But I'm still giving away my stuff. Because without that, I'm just sitting on my gifts and not sharing them.
Hope I haven't broken any forum rules by sharing so much here. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I love you all and if you need encouragement or an ear, send me a msg. anytime. Most gratefully, TEL

 

[You can get through it]

I shall not hold silent my words even though they shall sap my strength, for my words may set me free from the shackles of my lonely and silent fear that lurks in the half lit places of my mind.
Steve

 

[Tim McDonough]

I'd love to read your Book. A friend of mine lost her Husband 10 years ago shes a terrible insomniac since and a PTSD sufferer as well. She has wrote several books and said its the best thing she ever did. Dont give up write and let it flow

Tim and Bailey

 

[TEL]

Dont give up write and let it flow

Tim and Bailey

Thank you Tim and Bailey!

 

[AmyO]

TEL: Hi, and welcome. You are such a strong person to have even survived your experiences intact. You should definately try and finish your book. You have an intelligence and caring that radiates from just your posts. It always takes time but you seem to be on the right track (funding, publishers, etc.). All it can do is help the ones who haven't quite found their way here yet.

The most unfortunate thing is that when the things you have fought to supress come flying back at you, chaos creeps back in to our way of thinking. All the fears are there again, real or percieved, they take hold from years of training that are not so easy to shake off.

You are a true survivor, and a good person. Because in spite of all your family, you broke the chain. We can't choose our relations, unfortunately, but we can get rid of the 'bad seeds' that threaten to spoil our family tree. Good luck!!!

 

[TEL]

AmyO, what a beautiful thing to write to me. I'm going to treasure it, copy it and paste it in my 'encouragement' folder. You have alot of love to give and it is obvious in your writing.[/