Why Are People (including Myself) So Drawn...

[scout86]

@Justmehere , I've got to tell you, YOU were one of the posters who most impressed me. I read not only well reasoned responses, but empathy as well. And, I might be a bit challenged in the empathy department anyway, but that poster was HARD to empathize with. Don't beat yourself up! My reaction to what you said there was "Wow!" Really!

@Santa_Laurie , who knows? She may never get any of it. Yet, someday down the road, maybe a light will come on at least partly as a result. Or (and slightly more probable) someone else might stop by here someday, do a search, read that thread, and get all the points that she missed. We have no way to know. :)

 

[shimmerz]

Have any of you noticed that the viral posts around here are usually the ones that the OP rarely responds to? I have noticed a few of them....we are all posting away and the OP just stands back to watch us go. We pour all sorts of energy into it and nobody even bothers to come back. The only one I have noticed where the OP came back to say 'hey thanks' was the one about the guy who had a Gf with PTSD.

Once I notice the trend I try to disengage, especially if the OP is not a well known member to me. I have enough problems with energy management. I want to save my energy for people I care about. (That would be you guys).

 

[scout86]

Have any of you noticed that the viral posts around here are usually the ones that the OP rarely responds to?

Yes! What's up with that? When that happens, my first thought is "This is fake & this person is messing with us!" That really annoys me because it's so unfair. There are so many good people here who are willing to put their own stuff aside to try to help someone else, it really bugs me that someone would take advantage of that. I'm still not quite sure what to think about the recent newbie. Part of me would like to think that no one could possibly be that clueless. Part of me knows that they can.

So, do we keep trying because they refuse to engage?

 

[sun seeker]

Is it because the situation seems so much easier than many threads on the forum?

That was my first thought, yes. There are some threads I wish I knew how to respond to, ones where I identify so much I can't separate myself well enough, ones where I wish I knew how to help but they're about a problem I haven't solved myself and all I know to do is say "yup, I know what you mean, sorry it's so hard" and I don't say anything sometimes because I can't come up with anything more creative than that. Sometimes I say that anyway just so the person feels heard, but it feels inadequate.

This one is so obvious and so easy. Also the conversation that comes up as a result does give something to the rest of us, I think. I've felt more inspired to do more to solve my own problems just by seeing the contrast with how she is determined to do nothing about hers.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Yes! What's up with that? When that happens, my first thought is "This is fake & this person is messing with us!"

This @scout86 is the reason I held out for so long before I responded, I didn't want to waste what little energy I have replying to someone who clearly from the moment they joined this site was intent on being the way they have shown themselves to be, I am afraid to say my disgust at her manner, attitude and belittling got the better of me in the end.

 

[shimmerz]

Perhaps we feel like we aren't being heard, and emotionally we can all relate (projection) that this person could do better, must be in pain, is just a dolt and we aren't getting it across right -- lots of things. It was @Eleanor that clued me in with the Gf posting. She commented only once I think, saying 'Wow, this is the longest introduction post I have ever seen'. So now I bow out. I now (I think), finally realize that if someone doesn't want help, it is usually the ones we post the most in and I don't want to pour stuff into people that don't want help.

This is a great thread @Justmehere . Thank you.

 

[scout86]

is just a dolt and we aren't getting it across right

ROTFL! I'm glad YOU said that! I started thinking "some people are just too stupid to live" by the end of the first page. A better version of me would be able to be more charitable.

i DO find myself thinking that, if I keep trying long enough, sooner or later I'll "get it right" and everything will be ok. One of the first points I really remember my T trying to get across was, "I wish you could learn to think of these people as merely 'interesting'. " with respect to my biological family. The point there being, there's no use getting too invested because, by definition, I never AM "going to get it right". I'm thinking that might be a fairly common issue in these parts.

 

[sun seeker]

I was going to edit the above post, but then thought it should have a post of its own. Starting by saying I'm not proud of this, I admit that in a much milder way, some of the extreme reactions she is expressing are ones I sometimes feel as well. Sometimes, yes, I feel indignant and unloved when people don't do what I expect. Sometimes, I wish people would just take care of me. The difference is I own those feelings and do my utmost not to take them out on others. The concepts of projection, compromise, and triggering are ones she doesn't understand yet (she says she is starting therapy, which I hope will help). Her drama is like a playing out of what the beast within me might be doing if given free reign. Reading her posts shows me that in stark black and white and gives me even more incentive to keep working on myself. I admit there is a certain amount of relief, too, when I realize how much work I have already put in, that I haven't created a situation in my life like the one she is describing.

 

[joeylittle]

For my own part (and this is me being terminally naive), I respond to things when I think I have something to say; it might be something useful, or just something I have a strong opinion about. I tend to think perhaps someone will get something out of it. That goes for advice or calling someone out on bad info or behavior.

It's generally not a compulsion, though. When I feel myself wanting to respond out of frustration, it usually is a good opportunity to learn something about myself (and after that, sometimes the desire to respond is gone; sometimes its just changed).

It's the internet.

 

[Justmehere]

Have any of you noticed that the viral posts around here are usually the ones that the OP rarely responds to? I have noticed a few of them....we are all posting away and the OP just stands back to watch us go. We pour all sorts of energy into it and nobody even bothers to come back. The only one I have noticed where the OP came back to say 'hey thanks' was the one about the guy who had a Gf with PTSD.

This is so true!

There has been more than one thread by this poster that has gone viral, and she seems to abandon the threads. It does seem to only happen with people newer to the forum, rather than folks who have been around for awhile.

If I try to imagine the same post by a longer term member that I knew better... I don't think I would have responded the same.

With being a newer member, we know less about the person, and I think there is even more room that people assume or transfer or project more in the thread than if they knew the person better?

Folks who start viral threads who are new tend to leave or get banned. This poster hasn't fully left the forum, hasn't done anything to overtly break the rules and get themselves banned. This poster has posted serval threads that have increasingly brought more and more response, and instead of engaging those threads, and they start a new ones along the same lines... and so the pattern keeps going when it might have ended sooner with other viral topics.

It's probably the most extreme example of someone communicating to people and yet also ignoring them, and people still trying to engage them over and over, that I've seen around here.

 

[scout86]

The difference is I own those feelings and do my utmost not to take them out on others.

That can't have been easy to accomplish! And, because you've learned that, you have something of great value to share. And then you're willing to do that too. (Looking for an emoticon to reflect bowing in recognition of greatness and not finding one!)

 

[Ronin]

Personally, between reading my email and reading politics... nope, this is it, ignorance and spoiled people I can poke fun at in my head is much better. This is a person whose main problem is those sorts of problems, meaning she's basically alright, more than alright, even if screwed in the head. And I like happy news, terrible for a serious talk but not making me feel crappy.

Also, still thinking y'all awesome. As in communities show how they work as communities with intruders on values the most, and that thread has made me feel so much safer here.