Why Can't I Let Go Of These People?

[seedling]

I'm dealing with a situation at work and I seem to be handling it well in terms of my PTSD and my anxiety. But I can't get my emotions around it.
My boss and his wife can be controlling.
My son has worked there too and not been treated well and he gave his notice today. He has my full support and this is the best thing for him. Our boss seems to have an "I'm the biggest rooster here" thing with my son. My son is 20 and our boss is 63. My son is quiet and mild-mannered.

They have treated me well. There are times when I don't bring things up because the mood isn't good (the walking on eggshells thing). Then there are times when we discuss everything, I feel listened too, plans are made to solve problems. I can joke with my boss. But, I've come to see his controlling behavior and that my behavior is being governed by his mood.

My problem is that I can't seem to stop analyzing why he does what he does (he yelled at my son, completely irrational statements that made no sense to my son's work). I've come to understand what his thought process was that lead up to the incident. I just keep playing psychotherapist with the event. Thinking it over and over.

This ties in with how my mom was when I was young. She held everything in and then would explode. We never knew when it would happen. I've come to understand the tension I was under as a child. I was alert for her mood. When to ask her stuff, when not too. Trying to protect my brothers. Being responsible for her emotions?

Now this at work. Why can't I let go of the analyzing and just say "They are controlling" and that's that. Why do I need to know why, why, why. Like I want to keep explaining it.

Now that my son gave his notice (he is the only one trained to do his job and it's important!) I feel like the situation is a sad one. It seemed like our boss knew he screwed up, he was quiet first thing and quieter when my son gave notice. They have never appreciated his work, never gave him the raise they said they would, keep his hours low so he is always behind. I know this is how they try to get off cheap. Today the phone was ringing for my son all day, he was handling so much stuff. I don't know how it will get done in two weeks (not my problem).
Why do I feel sad instead of having the distance to not be so emotional about them having to face the consequences of their actions?

I rationally know that they won't change or learn from what happened. I've known since I started that they seem to have this cycle with their employees. I can see their lack of sensitivity to others. I wish my emotional distance could match my thinking distance.

I have considered looking for a new job. I think I may be able to stay here and do my job and do alright. I am treated differently, for many reasons, than my son was. Hey - I may even get a raise if they get too worried I am going to leave too!

I just can't quit caring in some sickening way.

 

[The Albatross]

Because you see the similarities between the bosses reactions and your mother. But the similarity stops there... they are their own people and their behavior is for their own reasons. You also are keen to observe the cycle of behavior. They won't change or learn? Never say never... who can say?

If you are not in jeopardy at this time for being a target for this behavior... and feel able to stay, then do so... but know that the worm can turn and if it is a cycle they might in time direct it at you.

Why do you feel you need to not care about this? You can't let go because they are your employers... because they caused your son to give notice and you are aware that the reactions of the boss weren't squaring up with the situation... and that this is a cycle/pattern of behavior.

Those sound like perfectly good reasons to care to me. Maybe you mean detach?

 

[seedling]

I do understand that I may become a target. I don't have the trust I once did.

Not changing - I guess what I mean is that I can't expect they will change or learn anything.

The event seemed like self-sabotage to me. Something trying to get his attention from deep within.

My son can say that he doesn't need to analyze why he was treated the way he was, he's not going to spend any more emotional energy on it. Why am I? Why do I need to analyze it (seemingly ad nauseum)? This seems like caring too much - like I can't separate myself from them. Like I have a blind spot I just can't figure out.

Ah - also, I feel like I care more than they do. So, why should I care more about them than they do about me or even themselves? They've created a certain level of chaos in their lives by their own behavior. Why do I care that it's that way for them if they choose to live that way.

I've taken stock of the benefits I have of staying and the skills I have that could get me into my next job opportunity. It's actually exciting to see that I've cleared the boundary of wondering if I can work, if I can keep it up. Now I see my worth and feel like I can find another job if I need to. (actually I do have another offer in the same industry but I'm not so certain the grass is greener). I am also starting to have a sense of the kind of environment I deserve to work in - it doesn't include people getting yelled at regularly. I've made some plan of what I will do if it becomes me being yelled at.

I've been at my job almost two years and it's getting easy. If I stay I can be more detached and just get the job done (however it is they want it done). There's a lot that I like about the work that I do. I'm learning more all the time.

 

[The Albatross]

You care because you drew the connection between their behavior and your mother. Your son likely did not. Caring about them more than they care for themselves... is maybe you're own character... whether or not they care is highly perceptual though.

The question is not caring for them if they choose to live with a certain level of created chaos... it's if you want to stay when you see this is going on. Do YOU want to stay in a work environment with a certain level of created chaos and experience by third party the pattern of behavior demonstrated by your employer or hang around til perhaps it may be directed at you?

Seedling I think you perceive a toxic situation and are "caring" because you value the job and want to keep it but are in a quandary because emotionally you "see" the dysfunction.

 

[The Albatross]

Sorry had to edit that... very over tired.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@seedling are you noticing that you are stuck with your thoughts about work, et al? Not neccisarily saying that it seems you have a lot to consider regarding your work environment. But I think what I'm hearing you say is why, oh why, do the thoughts overtake all other matters in your life? Thoughts and analyzing and more thoughts and more analyzing... I experience this. I just can't observe injustices and then let them go. I perseverate. The thoughts keep me awake, intrude into my mind while I am itherwise engaged in something completely separate from the dysfunction or drama.

This trait I have parallels my trauma history. I can't stop thinking about it despite being explicitly taught by therapists to pretend I'm on a train and just looking at life passing by and simply noticing it. Not analyzing, not judging, not having extreme emotions about it. Well, I suck at it.
Letting go....

It's always a wise choice to see what else is out there for work. But dwelling on your bosses must be exhausting and it kind of sounds like a hostile work environment. Do you meet it head on and demand change in regards to manners and communication? When I finally am so worn out over something, I take some kind of action and that brings relief.

Good luck and I hope your son goes on to better environment. Cheap people can make you nuts. Good for him to have the self respect at a young age that he can do better than that.

 

[falling_wave]

I can so relate with knowing someone is not treating you right but not being able to let go. I've been going through this with a friend recently and it's painful as anything. I was able to realize that some personality traits and conflict style was similar to my parents but my friend showed some care for me in between these patterns while my parents didnt. I think some of not being able to let go which might be part of the reason for you as well is that in some unconscious way it is comforting bc the patterns are familiar and in some way you think (or at least I did) that maybe things will change and this can be a healing better outcome. Sometimes that just isn't possible but it's natural to struggle with it. For me it took my T motivating me more and more for many weeks with the same issue until I finally decided to take a blind and terrifying leap to seperate myself from the relationship. It's a good thing she was there to catch me so to speak bc I could not have done that myself. It's good you are thinking about it being unhealthy. Just keep remembering what you are worth and do what feels right for you.

 

[seedling]

@The Albatross @falling_wave @KwanYingirl

So much of what you all said is true. I am going around and around with the thoughts and it takes the form of trying to figure out why they are doing what they are doing, what their thought and emotional processes are. Hard to get it to turn off.
They do treat me well in certain ways and when they do I feel accepted. I never felt accepted by my mother.
I have had times of feeling (not just thinking) that I was separate from them and I could see their behavior without getting my emotions tangled up in it (triggered by it I guess is what I mean).

My boss has people come and go in his life. I've seen that and my previous co-worker (who he likes and "can do no wrong") told me so.

I see all these controlling types of behaviors and am just starting to be able to recognized them.
"Do the right thing and you'll be accepted"
"Treat us right and you'll be on the inside with the other 'good' people"
"We really need you, help us"

Subtle (and not so subtle!) ways of controlling conversation, work discussions. Don't explain a problem too much or: "That's immaterial" "You're getting yourself all confused" "I wasn't talking about that"

So, yeah, do I want to stay. For now, yes, it feels right. I will take advantage if a good opportunity is offered. I'm starting to think about what kind of work environment suits my personality. I alson realize that any work environment has its ups and downs. In this one I've learned to stand up for myself more.
Doing EMDR right now is changing me fast, no surprise that things around me are changing too.

Honestly, I think my boss and his wife want to retire and they are tired of it all. He's going in for open heart surgery next week :eek:. The whole thing could implode from that or they could keep limping along like they've done for so long now.

Trying to let the changes flow through my life, see them flowing through theirs (their journey is their own), a natural progression - don't resist. Yes, letting go.

 

[seedling]

Caring about them more than they care for themselves... is maybe you're own character

Yes, someone else said somewhat the same thing - that I'm a caring person by nature. So, I feel OK for that instead of shame that I "care too much."

you perceive a toxic situation

I am starting to clearly recognize the toxicity. I'm also seeing that I've helped them as much as I can. That I could help them more but they don't want that help. They are staying in the patterns they are and seem to not want/be able to break out.
Maybe it's partly "my work is done here."

I just can't observe injustices and then let them go

Yes, and that I can see how things could be better but they aren't going there. And somehow I start to feel responsible (ugh, shame yuck) for their welfare. At the same time I know that this is their cycle, their journey and I can't fix anything for them they won't let me. They have let me fix a lot in my own job, but it seems I have gone as far as I can.

Not analyzing, not judging, not having extreme emotions about it. Well, I suck at it.

Yeah, me too. Especially when it's something triggered from my childhood. It all ties in to relating to my mother. Have been working on a memory similar to the work situation in EMDR and it seems to help.

Good for him to have the self respect at a young age

Yes! I've told him how proud I am of him. He has such a self confidence I never had at that age. He knows himself pretty well and has goals. He has another part time job where they leave him alone without pressure to do his job. And pay him a ton more money!

someone is not treating you right but not being able to let go.

my friend showed some care for me in between these patterns while my parents didnt.

I think this is very similar for me. I'm feeling that my bosses have done a lot for me. That I have gotten a lot out of working there. It's tied up with the PTSD as well because this is my first "real" job post-PTSD so I have such intense feelings about the people I've connected with. It all meant so much to me -to be able to work, to come out into the world again. I think it's feeling indebted to them. I owe them my friendship. (oh, I went through this with a friend that wasn't much of a friend - because she helped my son during the trauma 5 yrs ago. I felt that she must be a very special friend just because of that. That wasn't true.)
I think they were feeling great at first too because they thought my organization would fix everything. It's helped, but it's also shown where the problems lie and they are more than "organizationally" deep. It goes to how they run the business and I can see that that won't likely change.

Just keep remembering what you are worth and do what feels right for you.

Thanks! I'm working on checking in with myself often and seeing where I'm at. I'm getting the message that it's not time to jump ship yet, but it will come sooner than later.

My thoughts are not so rampaging this week. I seem to have been able to detach more. I've let go of these people as people that I want to be important in my life. They are good at the "love bombing" thing in the beginning. I was taken in by that. At the same time I always had my little voice that pointed out realities that didn't jive with their behavior.

Thanks you guys for the input, all invaluable. Now, onward.........:wacky: :alien: :laugh: :bookworm:(doing my job and blocking out the crazy!)

 

[The Albatross]

Yay seedling, some solid thinking through. Interesting thing about the "love bombing" and that your inward voice noted the disparity. :tup:

 

[seedling]

And this week I feel sad about it. Work has been pretty quiet. It seems they are shocked that my son will be gone. They have no back up and no one to take his place. It's a consequence I feel sad watching them go through. mmmm............

 

[KwanYingirl]

@seedling do you feel post-PTSD that it takes extra time and energy to settle into a routine, but can't quickly adapt to change like you could before PTSD? I feel this way but an actively working to regain my adaptability. The pendulum of life swings way too far in each direction and it freaks me out