Why Can't Some Of Us Talk On The Forum?

[anthony]

I feel there is a special clique here

There are lots of those here... do you honestly expect everyone to get on with everyone else? If so, that is irrational and completely unrealistic on your behalf. We're all responsible for our own thoughts and behaviours, nobody else controls what we think or do, just us. People will always gravitate towards those they feel more comfortable, who they want around them, who may have similar interests, beliefs and so forth to themselves.

In the case of this forum and myself, I will give my time more freely towards those who are assertively working hard on themselves to heal, they aren't making excuses, they're being honest with themselves, they're really pushing themselves hard to get through this... as those traits are similar to my own beliefs and behaviour, thus I gravitate towards those type of people more readily.

I see groups of people who bond better together, giving each other cyber hugs all day long and such. I see groups of people just wanting to be miserable, depressed and well... complaining with no movement forward.

To me personally, I see zero issue in any clique here, and they are just a few that exist here. None of them are wrong, again, people gravitate towards those who have similar values and such as themselves, OR, what they're looking for at that given time. People with PTSD, let alone trauma severity, move through many different facets, changing and evolving to what suits them as required. Denial is a normal part of healing... and some people sit in it for years, suddenly, they get motivated and engaged to push themselves hard and get through all the issues in their life, moving forward positively.

I'm interpreting that you're somehow confused with the reality of an online social network having cliques.

 

[sun seeker]

I feel that the phrase 'pity party' is derogatory and don't blame people for taking offense to it.

Me too. It's a visceral reaction, almost nausea. The related expression I can't stand is "wallowing in self pity." Sometimes we need time to express our feelings and while of course we do need to process them and move on, it isn't up to anyone but the person having the feelings to know when enough is enough.

Do I want sympathy sometimes? You beat! And, I've made a few very good and valued friends on here and if I want sympathy that's where I'll look for it. If I want opinions, then I'll look for it on the general forum.

I think this is an excellent distinction to make. There are some topics that probably all of us have that we are just too sensitive about to expose them to the general public. That's okay. Over time you find those people you do resonate with and can trust to give the kind of responses you need, and whom you can support in return. Bring up those topics with those people and leave the forum for more general posts. It's good practice for the rest of life, too, making choices about what to share with whom and when it's best not to say anything.

I never said I hated anyone on this forum. I'm really sorry now I even posted this.

I'm not, I'm glad you did. It's been a pretty reasonable discussion about a sensitive topic. I know you're feeling bad but that doesn't mean you ARE bad. Important distinction here. :hug::)

 

[Nyssa]

I don't know if this will help, but here are some thoughts.

Sometimes I feel victimized by people who don't seem to be intending to hurt me.

It's a very uncomfortable position, I hate it.

What I find helpful is to clarify my needs and expectations towards the person (or group of persons). Often, I find that what's so hurtful in the situation is that the other person is failing to fullfill unmet needs of mine. Needs I could take more responsability for.

Trying to walk in your shoes here, I would wonder :

What do I expect from people here? How would I like them to behave with me and how do they fail? What are the unmets need(s) behind my expectations? Is this something I should take care of by myself? If not, does this seem like the right for me? If so, am I clear enough about what I expect and what I won't accept?

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt. Neither are you right. You feel hurt, it's a fact you don't have to prove or justify.

And I'm not saying that you shouldn't complain about what you find offensive when it is thrown at you.

I'm just sharing some further ideas about the situation.

 

[Neverthesame]

@Notsowild Definitely do not feel bad about starting this thread. You have had the courage to open a dialogue amongst alot of different people with different viewpoints. As much as it is important to stick to our beliefs of what is right in how we treat others. It is also necessary to ensure we keep learning new and better ways of doing things.

I have learned alot about some of the members of this community today. I have also been reaffirmed with my belief that the people here, are genuine and caring individuals. With their own unique wisdom, as well as their own way of presenting it.

Thank you for bringing it up.

 

[rightkindofme]

Personally, I think it is good to talk about how you feel in the forum. Without such feedback it is hard to adjust over time to changing needs.

 

[StarChild]

Sometimes I feel victimized by people who don't seem to be intending to hurt me.

What I find helpful is to clarify my needs and expectations towards the person (or group of persons). Often, I find that what's so hurtful in the situation is that the other person is failing to fullfill unmet needs of mine. Needs I could take more responsability for.

What do I expect from people here? How would I like them to behave with me and how do they fail? What are the unmets need(s) behind my expectations? Is this something I should take care of by myself?

Very well observed and said @Nyssa. I'd like to like your post a thousand times!

You do realize you've just created a clique, right? The "us" group, and the "all you terrible people we won't mention by name, who suck, and who are doing everything wrong, and do nothing but hurt us and make us feel bad" group...

Amen to that, Amen! Nothing to add to this...

 

[ghotiff]

@Notsowild

I know your posts enough to know I value them, but have not followed them enough to know if the below thoughts are helpful to you. As such please confidently ignore me if I'm off target.

I have a theory that you (general you, not you per-see) see what you expect to see. Example, if you start wanting a bright red car, suddenly you notice nice bright red cars far more often.

The same runs true for criticism and other negative things. If your history is one where you used to (and thus are sensitive to) criticism, when it occurs you see it...but at the same time if you are not used to seeing support, you don't notice the support as much.

Sometimes it helps me (when I'm doing this type of thing) to actually go to the trouble of counting the number of supportive comments in a thread versus the number of negative-in-my-view comments. I find the ratio is always better than my perception.

Hope that helps, my intention truly was to help based on my own personal experiences. Please disregard if it's not helpful.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I agree that pity party is a derogatory term but more than that I think that being told that an emotion which you are experiencing is wrong, or unnecessary in some way is the language of abusers. Or at least language I've associated with abusers. You do need to feel an an emotion to process it, which is especially hard for people with dissociative issues. Survivors of abuse and especially childhood sexual abuse feel such shame about what they're experiencing that it takes a lot to open up, to be met with dismissal is quite scarring. How many of us has experienced an abuser telling us that our feelings don't matter, that we just need to keep our thoughts/feelings to out self. How many of us have been told that we were making things up or that we weren't believed, to get over it or pull ourselves together.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling some negative emotions and even pity. I think we have a whole lot of negative emotions to wade through before the cup empties of old emotions and we can start filling it with current ones. One of my personal feelings is that sometimes I desperately want sympathy. My abusers will never apologise and though it might be wrong I just want someone, anyone to say that they're sorry for what has happened. No one or has said as much and it makes me feel still all alone surrounded by people who don't really understand. If I post current emotions of self-serving pitying type emotions, I don't want to be shut down with the implication that they/I don't matter, mostly I just want to be heard.

When you say pity party, you all of this is implied and sounds negative/bullying at the same time, it's a term that seems to be perfect in causing some of us to shut down and retreat inwards/return to silence, just in the way we've been taught to. Are we just being oversensitive, maybe. Do I need to be treated with kid gloves - yes, much of me is still an undeveloped child unable to cope. Do I have issues -well looking at the name of this site most definitely and then some. Do I deserve a little kindness and compassion - hopefully And I would happen that here would be a place to test the waters.

 

[Changing4Best]

@Notsowild You asked how I feel about posting here. I feel fine about posting here. I post a lot and have been a member for years now. I get a lot of likes, so I am guessing that folks appreciate my notes. I enjoy my time on these forums and come here often.

A few times I have had off the wall replies or even not so nice replies, but that is less than a 1% minority of the replies I have gotten and I don't pay much attention to that, since I get so many positive replies. So my advice to you is to post away to your heart's content and if someone replies in a nasty way, chalk it up to them having had a bad day and move on to the nicer replies. Stick to them and ignore the others is they happen.

 

[moonbeam]

I agree that pity party is a derogatory term but more than that I think that being told that an emotion which you are experiencing is wrong, or unnecessary in some way is the language of abusers.

I disagree. Emotions are important and should be listened to and acknowledged, they are not facts, do not need to be acted on and are capable of being wrong. Yes it is important to feel and acknowledge negative emotions as part of processing.

I'm reminded of something my T once said "Guilt is I have done something wrong. Shame is I am wrong."

I think that can be applied to negative emotions. There is a difference between I feel pitiful and I am pitiful. I think that's what people mean about having a pity party its okay for a bit but then you need to try to pull yourself out of it (easier said than done). I try to remember that staying suck in a rut of negative feelings is letting my abusers continue to control and ruin my life.

 

[scout86]

I agree that pity party is a derogatory term but more than that I think that being told that an emotion which you are experiencing is wrong, or unnecessary in some way is the language of abusers. Or at least language I've associated with abusers.

I am about to ask the kind of question that, historically, gets me into trouble because it gets misinterpreted. I am asking simply because I want to know the answer, with no sarcasm or other agendas.

Suppose........ Let's use Fridayjones as an example, because I doubt she'll get mad at me. Suppose Fri is on a tangent where her post is all "poor me, I'm a horrible person, I'll never amount to anything, I can never do anything right, nobody likes me, nothing will ever get any better......."

Now. I'm sorry she feels that way. I don't like that she feels that way. I think those statements are pretty inaccurate and would like to point that out. MY way of responding would tend to be, "Hey, look at what you just said, most of that isn't true." In MY version of reality, I would be doing her a favor. I'd be suggesting she has more going for her than she admits to at the moment and trying to encourage her to be more accurate in her information gathering. I think telling her that I understand how she feels and "oh ain't it awful" seems like it would be doing her a disservice. Because I truly believe she doesn't deserve to wallow in self pity.

A big part of the reason I handle that kind of situation the way I do is that I don't find sitting around feeling sorry for myself to be particularly useful. And, in my perception, it can somewhat addictive. It's easy to get stuck there. I actually appreciate it if someone says, "Hey! Stop that! You're wallowing in self pity." Most of the time, it's me, telling me that, BTW.

So, when you see someone who appears to be stuck in "self pity mode", what would be a better way to respond to it? (Bearing in mind that we have a lot of different personalities here so a certain amount of individual style is inevitable.)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can't help but wonder if people seek only to paint themselves as victims in all of this. That is, getting responses you don't like only seeks to solidify that you are the "victim" who is "under attack" by the others on this forum, thereby re-living the dynamics set up by your abusers. I have seen this sort of pattern in other members of the forum.

And then you have other responders who feed into the victim mentality unknowingly because they think they are being supportive by giving the "oh, poor, poor you! It was so wrong of you to be attacked like that!" response when the supposed "attack" was in another thread at another time, so it is only the OP who sees it as an attack and then claims it was an attack in order to gather sympathy (pity). I see it happening here in this thread, and I have seen it happen in a number of other threads lately, too.

So honestly, if you think about it, hey peeps who think they are being supportive with their "I am so sorry you were attacked! [coddle, coddle]" response.... Actually, you're doing the poster no favors. You're feeding into the whole victim mentality by throwing sympathy toward someone who only seeks to further their victim status. (ie "OMG I was attacked, feel sorry for me!!!") Sort of blows the notion of gentle support always being a good thing right out of the water, don't you think?