Sexual Assault Why Do I Always Attract Toxic People ...i Feel Plagued

[Kristen]

Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic people. I've discussed it numerous times in therapy, but never seem to get any answers that actually make sense. I almost feel as if there is a banner on my forehead or something about me that draws toxic people to me.

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family ...I was surrounded by abusers & toxic people growing up. In addition to that, I was bullied in school a lot, got bullied in college. As an adult I've had several jobs where I was on the receiving end of bullying from a boss or co-worker & in these instances if I ever stood up for myself, I was the one who got into trouble, not the person bullying me.

I've had patterns of attracting toxic friends as well, people that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior. In addition to that, I am subjected to relentless street harassment on a regular basis(not everyday, but at least once ot twice a week) ....I leave the house to go to work, or an audition, or run an errand or something & I have to contend with being hit on, pestered & harassed by the scum of the earth. Creeps, old guys, bums, losers, street corner thugs, homeless guys etc... these guys are relentless & ridiculously aggressive in their approach, refuse to take "no" for an answer, in addition they aren't very appealing & very disrespectful.

Then on occasion I'll meet a guy who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls & only after sex. I'm starting to think ...what the hell is it about my luck?? ...& What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this???

I'm not a promiscuous woman, I don't dress provocatively. I don't go to bars or night clubs ...I'm not really loud & obnoxious, in fact I keep to myself for the most part & really don't talk to many people.

I am in the process on seeking out a different therapist because I need someone to help me with this. In addition, I've read several articles online regarding the characteristics of toxic people, so I am learning to identify these people quite early & I cut them off before they get a chance to get their claws into me & do any damage ....but it seems like almost every where I turn, I run into toxic people ....I mean I have met a few truly decent people, but those people seem to be few & far in between.

I have been told many times that I am a pretty girl, a nice girl & that I look like someone who wouldn't hurt a fly ...in addition I have been told that I don't look my age. I don't know if that plays a part in it or not, but I'd really like to figure it out.

I see plenty of other people that get to be in healthy relationships with the person they wanna be with, in addition I see plenty of others who have decent friends in their lives who truly care for them & respect them ...I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why I can't have the same.

I just feel like a walking magnet for every creep, scrub, bully, crazy, etc... & I'd like to figure out how to stop it. ...Is it me? ....Is this something I should blame myself for?? ...I don't really feel like I can talk to many people about this, because most of the answers I get tend to only make me feel worse. I hear things like "You are what you attract, so if you attract losers, creeps, bullies etc..then you must be one too" .....or I'll hear "Well, there's something about you that attracts this, so you are bringing this onto yourself" ...I've also heard things like: "Well, you should be flattered if a loser, creep, bum, old guy, etc... hits on you, you need to lower your standards & come down off your high horse" ...& then recently I heard: "Well, people bully you because anyone can tell just by looking at you that your a stuck up little b*tch & you need to be brought back down to earth, everything about you draws people's hatred right to the surface. Just you being you gets people to hate you."

I have cut so many people out of my life its ridiculous ...my inner sanctum is very small. I really wish that I could find some more decent people in my life who truly care for me & respect me ...in addition, I'd really like to find a truly decent guy who really loves & respects me.

It seems like attracting toxic people has been a life long curse for me ...I really wish it would stop ...is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues??

 

[Lucycat]

@Kristen I understand where you are coming from. I am lucky to have Rory, my husband but other than him I have very few friends. If you go back to my first posts you will see me mention my best friend Laura. Even she has let me down, by crossing boundaries and trying to control me. I still see and speak with her, but I don't feel like she is a 'best friend' any more. That position is a vacancy.

I too was told I was stuck up and posh when I was a kid. I was bullied for studying too hard at school. I feel I attract comments and unwanted 'touch'. But I know I am lucky that I have Rory around to stick up for me. Sometimes he will tell me I amover-reacting, but at the same time he understands why I do.

When I look back over my life and consider friends of the past, there is a whole host of reasons why we are no longer in touch. I see many of them were using me. I was desperate for friends so accepted friendships from most unsuitable people. They let me down. They took from me. They showed that they never respected me.

I don't know the answer. Are we more sensitive than other people? Is it our deep-rooted mistrust of others that gets in the way? Is it that actually everybody has their faults and we just need to establish just how much of those faults we can accept as a compromise.

I don't know. You might not think my comments valid as I do have my man. That is fair enough. I just want to get across that I still have huge issues with trust and friendships. My circle of friends is a dot.

 

[Kristen]

@Brucielucy ...I do find your comment a bit comforting in the sense that I am not the only person who has gone thru this ...I am happy to hear that at least you have your husband to come to your defense. ....My circle is a dot as well & even during times when I thought I found someone to understand me I later found out I was wrong. ...I met a woman named Cameron in group therapy for sex abuse survivors. She seemed very nice at first, but then later turned into a bully & later deserted me during a rough period. Initially she allowed me to stay with her while I was homeless ...after about 4 days she abruptly told me to leave her house because my depression was "bringing her down" ....so, she dropped me off at a shelter. During mys two month stint of being homeless everything that could go wrong did go wrong ...it seemed like when it rained it poured. I was physically assaulted on bus on the way to class. When I tried to talk to Cameron about it she basically blamed me for it insinuating that I must have done something to provoke him & then labeled me "nothing but drama" ...in addition, Cameron was very controlling, critical & judgmental. She gossiped a lot & lived by the law of double standards, it was ok for her to be a b*tch any time she wanted to, but if I ever stood up for myself, she screamed bloody murder. In fact one time I stood my ground with her & she threatened to have her husband beat me up. In addition to that she had a marijuana habit & she also violated confidentiality rules of the sex abuse survivors group by putting everyone else's business out there ...I know this for a fact because she gossiped to me about some of the other women in the group, which I was appalled by. Then towards the end of our "friendship", she told me that a lot of people didn't like me & that her husband thought I had "mental issues" & that she thought I was nothing but "drama" & that I was always "playing the victim" ...I was homeless & depressed at the time, she knew what my situation was & how I was feeling, I don't understand why she treated me the way she did. Especially considering the fact that she too was a sex abuse survivor & I thought if it was anyone who'd understand, it would be her ...guess I was wrong. But I guess it's best that she isn't around anymore ...I mean with "friends" like that who the h*ll needs enemies?

 

[Tina]

I know

Looking for some insight into this as I have had repeated patterns of running into toxic people. I've discussed it numerous times in therapy, but never seem to get any answers that actually make sense. I almost feel as if there is a banner on my forehead or something about me that draws toxic people to me.

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family ...I was surrounded by abusers & toxic people growing up. In addition to that, I was bullied in school a lot, got bullied in college. As an adult I've had several jobs where I was on the receiving end of bullying from a boss or co-worker & in these instances if I ever stood up for myself, I was the one who got into trouble, not the person bullying me.

I've had patterns of attracting toxic friends as well, people that seem super nice in the beginning, but then turn into assholes later on & become bullies, don't respect my boundaries, or try to make me feel bad for being who I am, then blame me for their behavior. In addition to that, I am subjected to relentless street harassment on a regular basis(not everyday, but at least once ot twice a week) ....I leave the house to go to work, or an audition, or run an errand or something & I have to contend with being hit on, pestered & harassed by the scum of the earth. Creeps, old guys, bums, losers, street corner thugs, homeless guys etc... these guys are relentless & ridiculously aggressive in their approach, refuse to take "no" for an answer, in addition they aren't very appealing & very disrespectful.

Then on occasion I'll meet a guy who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls & only after sex. I'm starting to think ...what the hell is it about my luck?? ...& What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this???

I'm not a promiscuous woman, I don't dress provocatively. I don't go to bars or night clubs ...I'm not really loud & obnoxious, in fact I keep to myself for the most part & really don't talk to many people.

I am in the process on seeking out a different therapist because I need someone to help me with this. In addition, I've read several articles online regarding the characteristics of toxic people, so I am learning to identify these people quite early & I cut them off before they get a chance to get their claws into me & do any damage ....but it seems like almost every where I turn, I run into toxic people ....I mean I have met a few truly decent people, but those people seem to be few & far in between.

I have been told many times that I am a pretty girl, a nice girl & that I look like someone who wouldn't hurt a fly ...in addition I have been told that I don't look my age. I don't know if that plays a part in it or not, but I'd really like to figure it out.

I see plenty of other people that get to be in healthy relationships with the person they wanna be with, in addition I see plenty of others who have decent friends in their lives who truly care for them & respect them ...I am trying to figure out what I did wrong or why I can't have the same.

I just feel like a walking magnet for every creep, scrub, bully, crazy, etc... & I'd like to figure out how to stop it. ...Is it me? ....Is this something I should blame myself for?? ...I don't really feel like I can talk to many people about this, because most of the answers I get tend to only make me feel worse. I hear things like "You are what you attract, so if you attract losers, creeps, bullies etc..then you must be one too" .....or I'll hear "Well, there's something about you that attracts this, so you are bringing this onto yourself" ...I've also heard things like: "Well, you should be flattered if a loser, creep, bum, old guy, etc... hits on you, you need to lower your standards & come down off your high horse" ...& then recently I heard: "Well, people bully you because anyone can tell just by looking at you that your a stuck up little b*tch & you need to be brought back down to earth, everything about you draws people's hatred right to the surface. Just you being you gets people to hate you."

I have cut so many people out of my life its ridiculous ...my inner sanctum is very small. I really wish that I could find some more decent people in my life who truly care for me & respect me ...in addition, I'd really like to find a truly decent guy who really loves & respects me.

It seems like attracting toxic people has been a life long curse for me ...I really wish it would stop ...is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues??

I know how you feel. It's not like am even seeking out these people. I have meet four mentally ill and depressed former friends in one year. My current friend is battiling depression.

 

[Kristen]

@Tina Yeah, I see what your saying ...I don't "seek" these people out either (I don't think that any of us are) ..but somehow I attract them like honey attracts flies ....smh...

 

[padalac3]

Kristen I just did a long reply on your sunday post. please read.

 

[Kristen]

ok.

 

[Numbalina]

Oh @Kristen I feel so much better to know I'm not alone, though don't confuse that with not being sympathetic. We live a hard road to what feels like a terrible fate. My current SO has his issues and anger, yet he is finally (very shortly after my diagnosis) coming around and no longer accusing me of lies, deceit, or stepping out on him because of my lack of affection. He's correcting his own short comings as well as trying to support me. But, he hasn't always been this way. I have never attracted a good man. I don't think they really exist. Everyone has flaws. Some, you just gotta compromise with or you'll never find "the man." I'm not saying to settle because nothing is out there, you just have to find the right man who you believe is worth it. I completely understand how you feel though. I always say how the most disgusting, crusty, possessive men always are the ones to hit on me. Why don't I ever get Chanum Tating or whatever his name is, type guys? Good luck in your search, and if you find a man with perfection, ask if he has a brother (or sister). Lol

 

[heartists]

Then on occasion I'll meet a guy who's kinda cute, seems nice, polite, decent etc... but then later on they turn out to be sleaze balls & only after sex. I'm starting to think ...what the hell is it about my luck?? ...& What is wrong with me that I keep attracting people like this???

I'm not a promiscuous woman, I don't dress provocatively. I don't go to bars or night clubs ...I'm not really loud & obnoxious, in fact I keep to myself for the most part & really don't talk to many people.

It seems like attracting toxic people has been a life long curse for me ...I really wish it would stop ...is it me, or is this world just full of predators, abusers, bullies, & people with some serious deep seeded issues??

I relate to all of this SO MUCH. You literally said everything that I want to say about my situation with finding people as well.
Mostly I attract porn addicted pathological liars. It's awful. I'm kind of done even trying :\ the world scares me

 

[RussH]

It is not you; there are just a lot of sleaze balls out there, but there are also a lot of good men out there so don't give up.

Not knowing anything about you I did have one thought; have you considered taking any self-defense classes? The reason I ask if they can give you a confidence, a don't mess with me attitude, that will make the toxic people go look for an easier target.

 

[lonelylady79]

Kristen,
I would like to become friends with you by e-mail and phone if you want. We can be long distance friends. I know you don't know me but I have went through exactly the same thing that you did. In your post is what I have been going through since I was a little girl. I am now 35 years old going on 36 and it is still the same for me. I cannot seem to attract the right friends or the right relationships at all. When I stand up for myself I am not taken serious and I always get into trouble even though I didnt start it. The same thing happens if I am in a abusive relationship. Thy cops never believe me even though the abuser started it. I gave up on standing up for myself because it always seems like when I do I never win anyway. So I just decided to stop. When I was mistreated by a physician and a Medical Assistant I could not believe after I filed a complaint on the physician and the Medical Assistant that the physcian have the never enough to ask me if I was still going to keep the appointment with the physician that I replaced her with after how she treated me. I coudn't believe it. ON top of that she even had the nerve enouhg to say about the medical assistant that "you have to get to know her". I was like what? She mistreated me and she had the nerve enough to say that I need to get to know her after how she treated me. I thought that was bullshit. This is why I give up on even trying to stand up for myself anymore.

 

[Friday]

We can't really help the people we attract. But we can change the people we invite to stay.