Relationship Why Do I Feel So Guilty?????

[redsandy]

Hi all,,,, so, after feeling braver this morning after such a wonderful supportive honest welcome from all you beautiful guys on here I shitstormed the Padre with a huge email detailing most of the pain I've received from undiagnosed and in denial husband.
And now I feel like a bag of turds :(
Most times I've said I need to talk to someone about him he's passive aggressively threatened me by saying its fine, he will just tell on me as well, tell everyone what I'm like too - and I crapped it,,,,but now I've let it out I'm crapping it again,,,,,not that I think I have anything to hide, but because I think I've just betrayed him.
I'm literally in hysterics crying here - why am I so afraid????
I genuinely feel like I've dropped him in the poo :'(

 

[Sweetpea76]

Standing up for yourself is empowering.

You're not betraying him, you're helping your relationship. If he has PTSD, setting and enforcing boundaries is key in making a relationship work. Supporters turn into doormats or get codependent very easily. That's not good for either partner. Is making him happy worth your sanity and self worth?

 

[BlueOrange]

You've done something very unfamiliar that isn't according to the rules you've had in the past. That's always scary.

 

[redsandy]

I have spoken about my husband without his knowledge and against his wishes - he's very private,,,a trait of his shut down thing.
Whenever I have tried to assert a boundary before it has been dismissed, he's accused me of trying to control and manipulate him. Or the content of such boundaries and the reason they've been made are flatly denied.
I genuinely feel his opinion of me is @#$% you, stupid whinging nagging woman that over reacts and should shut up, take the flippant dismissive treatment and just wait there until he has time for me, or is in the mood to be nice.
However, I must defend him now and say when he's being 'normal' he is wonderful - he's truly a great man,,,,it's just sometimes I can't see the man I love I see a machine. It leaves me mistrustful - I'm finding it harder and harder to relax into our good times and to believe in them
Some serious damage has been done, and I'm so very sad and sorry and everything else between.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is a wonderful man most of the time too... Most of our sufferers probably are, or we wouldn't be with them.

PTSD can make some people act like asses when they're stressed or symptomatic, especially once you mix that alpha-male military culture in with it.

I know my strong man would hate for me to take a ration of bullshit from anybody laying down... Including him. Once he realized that I wasn't being mean or a harpie (usually after cooling down a bit), he could see I was just defending myself. It just took awhile to establish that.

 

[redsandy]

There's never any closure.
I don't know what he sees.
He's shut down, I'm shut out - and he will only talk about work
I stand up for myself and he cuts me down with his pa, or goes awol.
He just will not accept there's an issue, ignores my pleas for a better connection.
We can only talk about work, or his desire to retire to a very remote unpopulated area,,,,he says JUST me and him.
I don't want that - but it's conversation.
I'm wondering if he's isolating me because he wants to be isolated himself? But obviously, I can't assume anything or armchair psychology him,,, until he admits it's not healthy, there's nothing to be done,,,, I guess?

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Remember, people who are wonderful 99% of the time can still be the most abusive rat-bastards 1% of the time -----point being that people can be wonderful AND abusive. The wonderfulness doesn't cancel out or excuse the bad stuff, nor should it.

Continue to set AND enforce boundaries. Setting boundaries means nothing if you don't enforce them. "If you treat me ______ I will leave."