Why Do People Stay Silent?

[ghotiff]

I have no words of comfort, just understanding.

and did nothing except to tell me to not make my abusive father mad

My parents when they found out about my 26yr old gymnastics teacher abuser (when I was 10 yrs old) told me to (and I quote because I wrote it in my diary at the time) "keep yourself safe"

They then took me to that gymnastics teacher 3 times a week for the following 5 years. Why they made that choice is beyond me.

There is nothing family, friends, neighbors, teachers, doctors, etc., can do.

In my situation the solution was so easy to do. Just change gymnastics school. Why no one who knew, suggested, encouraged, or pushed for this is again beyond me.

I think people like their denial. There attitude is - Ignore it and it will go away.

 

[Seagreen]

As a child I often witnessed severe neglect, physical and emotional abuse from a family friend toward her children. My Mother knew it was happening but she never reported it. She even went to court in support of the friend during a custody battle. It was obvious to me that despite the choices she made my mother did care. She would often feed the children and take them for the weekend. Especially the boy who coped most of the abuse, which was always called "punishment" because he had a problem controlling his bowel. When he stayed my mother would shower him with attention and praise. I remember thinking that she was a better "parent" to this kid than what she was to me. At the time I was too young to understand why she did this.

Years later I still don't understand why she never reported her friend. I asked her once and she just said that she just didn't want any conflict. She felt that she had fulfilled her moral obligation by "doing more than most people would". This is a great topic and I'm glad that it was asked. Something that is often over looked and needs to be considered openly if there is to be change. I like what Solara said about hoping that next time she sees something wrong she will say something. I hope I can do the same. It only takes one person to act and others will soon follow. Human nature.

 

[shell]

I believe people just don't want to get involved, they look with blind eyes that don't want to see, deaf ears that don't refuse to hear, because it's threatening and confronting to challenge someone who is abusive.

It's why children can come to believe they must be to blame, and that they are powerless to stop the abuse, because all these so called adults look on in disgust, and then turn away and the child comes to think it is they who are disgusting. It always about protecting the abuser, because they place themselves at risk of abuse themselves by stepping into the firing line.

There were so many people that knew about my abuse, who have since said about how crazy my mother was, but not one of them confronted her, it makes me really angry they feel they have the right to talk to me about it now, as if they are being supportive, but were to gutless to talk to her about the abuse when they could stop it.

 

[Friday]

I've got a cunning plan...

We'll start at one end of the country, work our way across, carrying pitchforks and torches for the monsters. It's a gnarly f*cking end for the baby raping soul shredding c*nts who hunt and target children... And it would make me feel a helluva lot better just as a damn bonus.

Sigh. Mods you may need to delete this. Anger & control issues myself at the mo'

 

[ghotiff]

I wish someone had a pitchfork for me!

 

[Tanishq]

i have learnt the hard way to never expect anyone to intervene

Me,too. me,too Man. I feel peace that I am able to rely on myself and not get in abusive situation.

They are there to get rid of their guilt.

Oh wow gizmo. So many times I saw bad people apologizing, always felt it's not apology. It's something else. Today I learn that they are there for their own benefit. To get rid of the guilt. They are not there to make peace with victim.

 

[Tanishq]

Yes justmehere, I agree on the thought why witness bad silently. Why not take some action to prevent it? I guess it will take reformation of society to stop the abuse. Meanwhile we can spread awareness and inspire people that they can find ways to get out of the abuse.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, everyone has such good thoughts on this subject. I'm not quite in the place to write much of a response yet, but I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has chimed in so far.

 

[Recovery4Me]

The Sociopath at the Breakfast Table by Dr. Jane McGregor and Tim McGregor offers some insight on the apathetic majority, the empathetic group and the sociopath. I am not saying every abuser fits this description but the book does allow an understanding of how the dynamics work. The triad acronym dynamic is called SEAT.

It was recommended at a personality disorder site and I have been reading it of late to try to understand my own trauma and the mindset of the abuser. I thought perhaps I mention it here as some of answers can be found in that relatively cheap book as well as some recovery methods from being a victim from their mindset or hands.

 

[Karen12]

My parents carefully kept the abuse behind closed doors, to "keep up appearances," but I'm sure people knew: other parents, teachers, neighbors, private lessons instructors. I was very bright and an excellent student and excelled at many things which I think made it easier for them to dismiss the other symptoms I was exhibiting and simply, uncomfortably, look the other way.

 

[ghotiff]

My parents carefully kept the abuse behind closed doors, to "keep up appearances,"

I think this was my mothers goal too. My abuse was outside the home, but I think her denial was at least in part to pretend to herself and everyone else that she was a great mother.

 

[Tanishq]

I was very bright and an excellent student and excelled at many things which I think made it easier for them to dismiss the other symptoms I was exhibiting and simply, uncomfortably, look the other way.

Karen, I have experienced the same.

It's like you have to show them concrete proof that we are abused otherwise they won't believe us.