Why do we take the blame?

[Mee]

Frieda I think you are getting closer to an important truth when you say you were told that maybe you were responsible for part of what happened to you.

I just mentioned in another post the impact of social conditioning that we are all, not PTSD people, everyone - brought up with. Most cultures have a blame element. Whether that’s the Christian ‘god will reward you/ heaven and hell - purgatory set up’. Or karma, or a Wiccan what you put out comes back to you three fold, What ever. We have a just world fallacy belief as a species that we weave into culture different ways . I think it’s bunkum but I still am programmed to it. ?. I catch myself all the time. Ithink it’s so omnipresent we don’t even notice it.

 

[siniang]

Where is this coming from? Who said this?

It is so common among PTSD sufferers that it's actually made the list of diagnostic criteria:

D. Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following:

1. Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "no one can be trusted," "The world is completely dangerous," "My whole nervous system is permanently ruined").
3. Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others.
4. Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities.
6. Feelings of detachment or estrangement from others.
7. Persistent inability to experience positive emotions (e.g., inability to experience happiness, satisfaction, or loving feelings).

Where is that automatic believe is coming from?
When did u or Freida learn or felt or made or felt that?

But this is EXACTLY Freida's initial question. Why is this so common among PTSD sufferer's. This is not necessarily something "learned" or externally "made feel". It is a cognitive distortion courtesy of trauma. Sometimes directly told so by an abuser, but often not. It just "shows up".

I know at least in my case NO ONE else at any given point blamed me. It's all internal.

Also, @grit no offense, really none, but I see this a lot in your comments that you suggest someone must’ve had some childhood trauma or another. I really encourage you to try to move away from this as I don’t think it’s really helpful to anyone. It's your truth. It's the truth of many people in this forum. But I think it's harmful to go hunting for stuff that just isn't there for everyone. Suggestions is a big and harmful thing and I think we (myself included) should be careful as to not do it/project our own experiences onto others.

Including questioning someones' symptoms. Just because you don't feel blame doesn't make it any less of a legit symptom for others.

Maybe I've gotten this completely wrong and if so, I apologize. Just a few thoughts re your two or three posts in this thread.

 

[grit]

@siniang
This is international forum. We all have different experiences and opinions. I respect your opinions even when I do not agree with you but I do not have the right to tell you what to say to anyone or how to say or when to say. Please have the courtesy to do the same for me and anyone else who does not think like you. I wish you well... truly.

 

[Ronin]

So there with not all childhood.

As in I had objectively catastrophic childhood. Down to birth. The hardest bits? All teenage years & adulthood. Was heckuva more resilient / tougher nut as a kid.

//

As to the blame? In part I do it as that's the last / only thing I can do about it. Take the blame. Because there is no darn fixin' it.

And taking the blame means I keep them with me. A lil longer. The who I was with them, too.

Time just f*cking off to Not True Anymore without my permission drives me spare.

 

[siniang]

@grit , I absolutely did not mean to tell you what you can say nor how and where/when. Absolutely not my intention. Not my place. And I apologize if it came across like this.

It's just something I noticed that you do put everything within the context of "childhood trauma". And I think that's problematic. Is all. It was more of an observation/friendly thought, but my wording was way off, I realize now. Again, I apologize.

 

[grit]

Apology accepted.

But with due respect, we are all adults here so please do not personalize my story. It is my story, I appreciate you do not agree but it is open forum...and honestly a lot of people have childhood truama.. a lot. Respect it is not your story. Hold judgement. I am happy for you to have great childhood and yet we are all here. You are right, maybe I need to preface my opinion with certain words in the future... but this is my subjective take on things and what worked for me when I had similar cognitive limitations. Why do we need to feel all the same, give the same ....we are different. It is good to have diverge thoughts and opinions.

Thank you for recognizing your reaction to my comments and hope you realize they are my comments, no one else's.

 

[Deanna]

I'm sorry for your loss, Deanna.

Have you ever thought the premonitions et all are not about & for *him*, so that you beat yourself up harder after...

But for *you*? So you know ahead how gutting it will be... and can prepare for the loss on an angle you can.

It doesn't work that way. You think that it would, that's the most logical answer. But when you are shown something like that, I didn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it! So, I thought - its just me and my active mind that everyone and their dog has beaten me up for. ( no one believes this stuff so why should I? F-off whoever is putting this in my brain!) I knew this stuff a young age and I couldn't tell anyone because they'd put in a nut house! It's been going on since I was a child ( 12 or 13).
Anyway.. Before I was diagnosed, a lot of information was coming thru the other side and I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the doc and said I need drugs! And I slept real well, no interruptions. But it never really went away. Its coming back and I take boat-loads of meds. I don't mind the fun stuff.. Footbal games, whatever, but the other is too much for me. There's no one you can talk to about it.. No one cares.. It's not math stuff. Anyway.. It happened again one time before he died and I knew! Was defineatly grateful for that one!?

But all I'm saying in this is with good comes bad

. so all that stuff comes in to. But when your're taking meds and it still creeps thru ( the fun stuff is okay) but it's like getting rapped, in a way. It depends on how heavy the information is. I can't do anything with it so what's the point!
I'm in deep gratitude and my night meds have blocked it out most of the time. It would work more if I was around a lot of people but I'm not, so... I made that call 30 years ago ( I've been in business that long)- sorry for the book. I guess im trying to say, good always comes with bad. Because in real life.. The two go together ( unfortunately) Maybe has something to do with will or life in general. Thanks for caring!! ❤

 

[Deanna]

@Deanna - I was going to say the same thing

Lol! Girl, I adore your personality!!

 

[Friday]

My points were more information and about how I process my own cognitive limitations.

please do not personalize my story. It is my story, I appreciate you do not agree but it is open forum...and honestly a lot of people have childhood truama.. a lot. Respect it is not your story.

If you read back... You’ll find you’re not receiving pushback on your story, or from where you’ve been sharing your story. Where you’re receiving pushback -from myself and others- is the notion that “something” must have happened in childhood for someone with PTSD to exhibit PTSD symptoms.

It can be your opinion that childhood trauma, or bad parenting, or interpersonal relations, or whatever must be present in order for someone to develop PTSD. But that doesn’t mean that people cannot challenge that opinion, nor that in challenging that opinion that they’re challenging your story. You are challenging other people’s stories, however, when you persist in suggesting -or even insist- that (even in your opinion) childhood trauma must be present, or that there must have been some outside source during formative years, etc.. It may not be something that you’re aware of? But it IS something that you’ve been doing both in this thread, and countless others.

I would suggest that you might try rereading what people have been saying to you, using then lens of understanding that they’re not challenging your story, but your opinion of what really/must have happened to them, is challenging theirs.

But this is EXACTLY Freida's initial question. Why is this so common among PTSD sufferer's. This is not necessarily something "learned" or externally "made feel". It is a cognitive distortion courtesy of trauma. Sometimes directly told so by an abuser, but often not. It just "shows up".

I know at least in my case NO ONE else at any given point blamed me. It's all internal.

 

[grit]

The last comment was personalized not challenge to content. I never state I am authority on PTSD...in fact, I am opposite.

Thank you for all your responses. I will respect this post and let it stand than hijacking it and making it about me.

Appreciated the feedback.

 

[mamachick]

Friday I completely see what you are saying in your last post. I have struggled with this myself for years. I came from a very dysfunctional place but was a really resilient kid. I actually saw my past as a gift in many ways as it gave me qualities that I otherwise would not have had. My childhood made me question everything (what normal is, how I should feel, how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, when to stand up for myself and when to let it go-major co dependent traits) It was only events at 48 and 50 yrs old that were life changing (which is when diagnosis came). Its all very confusing to me.

 

[Mee]

Friday I completely see what you are saying in your last post. I have struggled with this myself for years. I came from a very dysfunctional place but was a really resilient kid. I actually saw my past as a gift in many ways as it gave me qualities that I otherwise would not have had. My childhood made me question everything (what normal is, how I should feel, how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way, when to stand up for myself and when to let it go-major co dependent traits) It was only events at 48 and 50 yrs old that were life changing (which is when diagnosis came). Its all very confusing to me.

This is very much how I feel. With out wanting to add fuel to the fire I would say my T certainly feels more in line with what I understand grit is putting forward? That the PTSD would not have occured without the childhood stuff.

ultimately...... does it matter for us? We are here now? It’s important to know that ACE with no countering stability / love etc are probably harmful. But we cannot I do them whether we had them or not . We can know future generations need what we didn’t get- And campaign strongly for that. But for us - perhaps sometimes it’s enough to accept we are where we are?