Why Does Being Praised Feel So Bad?

[angel2write]

Now, when someone picks me out of the background to say something positive about my essay work, or praises me for something like "Thanks Jen for emptying the dishwasher for me, you're a good girl." I feel like I'm being put into a spotlight all over again. It was often a spotlight of negativity- now it's a spotlight of positivity- but my brains been wired so that whenever I'm in any spotlight, to react to it as if it were negative.

This is a really good insight, Jen, and not something I ever thought of before. But you're absolutely right. Thanks for pointing that out!

 

[Bubba]

It was often a spotlight of negativity- now it's a spotlight of positivity- but my brains been wired so that whenever I'm in any spotlight, to react to it as if it were negative.

Hey Jen - I feel the same way. In fact, I HATED going to my high school graduation and my college graduation. I even refused to go to my Master graduation. When my ex H put together a surprise party for me - I was enraged. I can't stand being in ANY kind of spotlight. And yes - praise is hard to take.

It's weird, because I am always hoping for praise - in my effort to be perfect and have that noticed - but when I am praised, it never feels right or deserved. I'd rather just crawl under a rock.

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

It's like a knee jerk reaction for me to second guess a positive remark or even a positive gesture from someone.

When time after time again, everything goes bad, all you know is bad for so long.
when somebody approves, it's like..what?

 

[angel2write]

When my ex H put together a surprise party for me - I was enraged. I can't stand being in ANY kind of spotlight.....

It's weird, because I am always hoping for praise - in my effort to be perfect and have that noticed - but when I am praised, it never feels right or deserved. I'd rather just crawl under a rock.

Yes! Absolutely! This is absolutely what I was talking about and couldn't find the words to explain!

I dodged all my graduations, barely had a wedding, flee parties, hate attention... but crave praise. And then, when I'm praised, just like you said, it never feels right or deserved.

Is there room under the rock for two? :O_o:

 

[Bubba]

Is there room under the rock for two? :O_o:

Absolutely! Just as long as you don't mind me pushing you out once in a while when I need to isolate (LOL) :laugh:

 

[angel2write]

:laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao:

Thanks for the laugh- I needed that!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have had alot of healing and progress, I can take praise now. A simple thank you covers it. I am proud that I can do this now. Not bad for a person who did not know how to say no to anyone before. Intersting thread.

 

[intothelight]

I have a hard time accepting praise; because I never feel that what I do is good enough, so the praise doesn't feel real. Maybe when I can get to a point where my best is good enough for myself, I may view praise differently. Why is self acceptance so darn hard?

 

[kate behag]

I feel uncomfortable with praise as well. It may stem from the fact that I did not receive any praise from my parents growing up. I think my mom praised me once when I was 12. That's all I can remember. Anything else was either sarcasm or flat out criticizing.

 

[heather q]

At a meeting, class or whatever, if some one uses my name, makes me stand out, even if it's well meant, I have no recollection of anything that went on, except for that, I must dissociate, so everything is gone. I feel awful and embarrassed, hideous and want to run, but I smile, because that is what I'm supposed to do, not make waves. For years I've wondered why this happens to me and tried to make sense of it. Such a drag to have a short circuit over something that was supposed to be positive, but is negative.

At times I've wanted to say, don't pick on me, because I'll be gone, but I never did, because it doesn't make sense. School comes to mind, when I had to stand up, because I had the 'right' hair cut, the 'nice' teacher didn't realize the impact it had on me, she chose not to notice, and she used me to teach the other kids how they should be, it was awful, it caused me to be alienated, the other kids resented me and I couldn't take it.

I'm so glad other people can talk about it, it was/is one of my 'hidden' defects.

 

[Eleanor]

heather q - I am a college teacher, and I regularly have students who are 'painfully shy" for one reason and another. I had a student last year who said NOTHING the whole semester (in a small and very friendly and laid back discussion based class where talking was part of the assignment - I didn't really know what to do with him at the end...:() My question for you is this: is there ANYTHING that a professor could do to help you participate a bit more without getting so triggered?

 

[heather q]

Eleanor, that is a huge question, the times that really got me were times when I couldn't answer the question, such as at the beginning of nursing school; I was supposed to describe the function of the male anatomy, no warning. Firstly, that long ago, I really and truly didn't know, it was not talked about, I had to stand there the whole time in complete silence, I did not know anything about it, zip. Eventually a male student got up and voluntarily described it, took all of thirty seconds, but I didn't hear it, so I still didn't know, fear had locked me out.

If my assignment had been related to me, possibly I could have answered the question, so what I think could help is to find out what the student is interested in and what they'd be willing to talk about, something safe, get an agreement ahead of time so that they are not put into shock, suggest that you 'may' ask the student to talk about it next class, so they know that they 'have permission to talk' and then make sure you follow through by asking the student in class, and continue to do it, so that some trust and expectations are met, once would be ok, but consistency would make a difference. Don't single them out for special treatment, do the same with some other students, otherwise it'll back fire. I think safety is the main thing, fear of ridicule hurt me a great deal, once that starts it's very difficult to change, maybe impossible.

Well, that's my two bits, off the cuff, I have to say that I haven't mastered it, recently in a four year apprenticeship class I have wished the guy/teacher wouldn't put me down and insult me, I felt like I couldn't stand up to him, I was afraid of getting booted out of the program, this was only ten years ago, so I have carried it all with me throughout my life. I didn't have a name for it back then, but it's dissociation, so when I was threatened I dissociated, then the teacher got angry because I was dissociated. He didn't know, I didn't know, other students made fun of me, my age, hair color, I past the test and the one ridiculing me flunked. He made it eventually though.

Just before I retired, this same guy/teacher told me he was very proud of me, that I had turned out to be one of the best, by then I heard him, thanked him, tried to appreciate that he was trying to make amends, but the hurt was so deep I couldn't wait to get out of the car and get away. He'd offered me a ride because he wanted to say that, I accepted the ride because I didn't want to appear... I wish I could have been able to show appreciation, I had given him every excuse for his behavior in class and worked three times harder than anyone else, because I felt so threatened. But I felt very abused, he did that with other women also, several of us compared notes, it was as if he didn't want us in the trade but he had no choice.

All in all I don't know if you can make a difference, I think we may be beaten down and scared and feel that there is no safe place. I suppose the real thing is that I was scared of being judged, can you encourage and teach and not show judgment or frustration?

Golly, does this make any sense? Take the good and dump the rest, I'm not sure which is which, ha ha ha, such a difficult question, such a difficult job, thank you for asking and making me think of where I'm coming from, it was indeed a tough exercise.

Heather