Why Does Every Moment Have To Be So Hard?

[Bananie]

That lyric pops into my head often. Sometimes it's tongue in cheek, and gets me to laugh at myself.

Other times, like today, it's whiny and frustrated and earnest.

I'm in a rough patch in life. Normal life stress, with the added ptsd flavor. It's fine. I know I'll get through it. But the waiting to get through it is agonizing. I'm not really waiting, but coping mechanisms don't seem to be working, and my attempts to find others, like a trauma support group in town, aren't panning out. I'm not going to harm myself. I"m just....frozen. Or foggy. Going through the motions.

When I saw my T last week, I said "I kinda go down slowly, without really recognizing it, and then, I realize, oh...I'm in quicksand again. Maybe the Lexapro was doing more than I realized." So despite the fact that he knew I was tapering myself, and at one point had agreed "Sure, if someone can do something without medication, why not?" And when it didn't go quite as planned, physically, when I first started tapering, and I asked to see the nurse at the same clinic, he said, "well, you could if you want to, but why not go to your primary?" He was disappointed that I had stopped the meds, and said "If I had a dollar for every time someone said I felt better so I stopped the meds..." I responded, then you wouldn't have to do this. He ended with, well, we're not going to do any eye movements today. We have a lot of hard work still to do, so you have to be able to do that and not be (I"m not really sure, at this point, I was already kind of mad and not really listening) are you really going to take the right dose? I said yes. Then he said, well, make an appointment for 2 weeks, by then the meds should be better, and I left....well, devastated, and still feeling it. And so so angry. Like, I was going to quit, or at the very least, cancel the next appointment, with the excuse of "I didn't think I was medicated enough for you." Since I know that's not really productive, I know I have to tell him it bothered me. I even figured out why:

A few weeks ago I was on the bus to my moms, and stuck behind someone whose smell triggered me. I got to her house practically hysterical. She told me to go home, she didn't want me there like that, but I had to stop crying first.

This feels awfully similar.

There've been other things that have bothered me, but I brushed them off, or I did finally acknowledge some of them the session before this one (One being, at one point he told me to pull myself up by my bootstraps, and when I finally said something he said, I don't recall saying that. I said, well, you did, and it ticked me off then, and it still does!), but this doesn't seem like one I want to brush off, or I'm even sure I want to keep going on to do the hard work we still have to do. I do appreciate what we've done so far, and I do appreciate him, and his attempts to connect, so I don't want to just up and leave, like I often do with other things. I want to talk to him about this. But I don't want to wait another two and half weeks to do so.

So I guess my question is, when contact outside of therapy has never been discussed, can I contact anyway? What warrants a contact? To me it's just if I was going to do something self destructive, and, I'm not. I'm just really mad at him/hurt, and really frozen in life and finding it hard to go about my day to day tasks.

Thanks for listening. And thanks for being here. Reading through threads here has made me feel a lot better. :)

 

[Naoru]

I can see why you'd be upset in this situation. It seems he's coming across as dismissive.

Do you journal? I ask because this has held me over until appointment day in the past and has even cleared up some issues before then, as well. It might be helpful to, first, get out your frustration onto paper, and then outline exactly why you're feeling hurt and angry so you can clearly communicate everything to your therapist when the time comes.

To answer your questions:
My t and I have not formally discussed contact outside of sessions, other than a passing "you know if you really need anything, call." I take this to mean "call if you are in a crisis," based on the context when this has been said. For me personally, I firmly believe in using and learning the coping techniques T has taught me prior to reaching out. I have managed well, but I realize we are not all in the same shoes.

For those who have open communication with their therapists between sessions, I do not know what warrants contact other than by what others have posted on this site: an emotional crisis, any issue they feel needs to be communicated ASAP (even if the t doesn't respond right away), to make the t aware of an issue prior to the next session they may have trouble addressing in person, etc. Hopefully someone with this experience responds to your post to help you out.

I think that if you feel you cannot manage at this time without addressing the issue, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I would give the office a call and see if contact could be made or a sooner appointment scheduled. If they say no, then you have your answer; deploy all of the strategies you've learned in therapy, reach out here on the forums, and keep busy for healthy distraction.

 

[joeylittle]

So I guess my question is, when contact outside of therapy has never been discussed, can I contact anyway? What warrants a contact? To me it's just if I was going to do something self destructive, and, I'm not. I'm just really mad at him/hurt, and really frozen in life and finding it hard to go about my day to day tasks.

My opinion - and it's just an opinion, so take it with a grain of salt - is that it would be better to wait, let the med adjustment kick in, and talk when you see him next. If you have running thoughts about what happened, you could try journaling them - basically, write a big long letter that you don't plan on sending, simply to have a place to put your thoughts. That text might end up being really useful at your next session.

I suggest waiting for a couple of reasons - one, you seem to be getting a handle on the reasons you are reacting as you are, and there might be more learning you can do on your own. And two, it'll be a very good way to see if the meds actually are helping, and in what ways.

But, you might be able to remember from starting on the lexapro how many days it took to feel any effect at all. If you are concerned that you're not picking up out of this stalled-out state, there's logic in getting in touch with him. I'd just advise to see if you can work on it on your own a little bit more first.

 

[Bananie]

Thanks for the replies :)
I actually called the office later that day for an earlier appointment, just based on he had said 2 weeks, and the appointment was for 3 1/2. I do journal, though in these blank times, not as often. I guess this is just time to try the "container" again, which is another bone of contention/inside joke with us. I've stated more than once that I can't seem to make the container work. At one point I said you can shove your container!" He laughed, and now when I'm explaining things, sometimes he'll say "If only you had a container..."