Why Does My Heart Drop?

[sonicwhite]

I know there are ppl worse than me. I'm saying my burden is so deep that I feel my anguish comes from a sinful life. Which it does. I mean wanting to steal and lie and do other things that erode my relationship with Jesus on my end just makes me feel like the scum of the earth.


Paul was a murderer of Christians so he felt and probably was pretty high up there in today's world but to God if you broke one of the least of these commandments you broke them all. The burden of the enemy attacking me has a lot to do with it.


I'm just saying that I think moving to TN will be good for me because it gets me away from things that tempt me. I will fear that I will go through some sort of withdrawal which I need God everlasting grace to get me through that.


If I felt special in anyway I wouldn't be on a forum complaining about how I unspecial I feel. But it's all good. Yes I realize that this is probably a lot of damage from not the fact that I gave my life to the Lord when I did but not seeking the right treatment and staying away from drug land mines as they would teach you in recovery from drug and alcohol.


It's all good tho guys. I'm trying and I'll be leaving in then beginning of March so I'm looking forward to it and I'm not but I know my God will sustain the plan He has always had for me,

 

[Gs172003]

I know there are ppl worse than me. I'm saying my burden is so deep that I feel my anguish comes fro...

I think I get it now. Correct me if I'm wrong. You feel the temptations are too strong and you have a hard time resisting and you feel like that deminishes hour relationship with Christ. ( which it doesn't. Again, what you do with it is what matters)

But starting over is good. A new environment can be great to start a new lifestyle BUT you need to make sure you have a plan for when it gets hard that you don't fall into the same patterns. I know there are churches here that have groups like that. Look into support groups ran by local churches, particularly large ones. My husband goes to one that is ran by other men just like him. :)

 

[Gs172003]

I think I get it now. Correct me if I'm wrong. You feel the temptations are too strong and you have a ha...

And I have the worst autocorrect EVER

 

[sonicwhite]

Yes my temptations feel like I'm sinning before the sin is even conceived.


I just read James ch1& 2 and it spoke directly to me. So I know the Lord is at work in all of our lives. I believe I will be delivered from my nightmares. How? I just have faith in God. I know seeking help is never wrong. But for me personally I have a conviction that God is going to either take all my dreams away or just make them as they where.


Have faith in the Lord. He can do amazing things.

 

[StarChild]

Dear @sonicwhite, even though I'm not keen, to quote text out of context, my heart truly wants to give you something to ease your inner pain. Since I'm still having a rough time with a suppurative sinusitis, I can offer only one "promise" (if that's the correct term in English...) that came to my mind:

If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:20

And I found a useful definition of legalism:
Quote: "Legalism (or nomism), in Christian theology, is the act of putting law above gospel by establishing requirements for salvation beyond repentance and faith in Jesus Christ and reducing the broad, inclusive, and general precepts of the Bible to narrow and rigid moral codes." Source: Wikipedia

But I'd also like to strongly suggest, that you get yourself help from a good therapist. With mental health It's the same as with physical illness; It's not wrong but wise, to get help from a physician if you're ill and need one... I'll think of you!

P.S. May I suggest, that you read Romans 7?

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I'm just saying that I think moving to TN will be good for me because it gets me away from things that tempt me

Why do you think that? My problems tend to follow me.

I do believe you when you say you feel this is a sin issue and not ptsd. You sound very sincere and distressed.

This is a ptsd forum and what you're saying is exactly the way most of us feel. The origins for each of us are different but the side effects are very real and overwhelming. When you feel anxious about something - whatever the cause, you need to treat it. You feel worse than the worse, so do I a lot of the time - BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO ME. You sound not just discouraged, but depressed. I agree that you are applying distorted thinking. There is nowhere in the Bible that says one sinner is in fact the worst of them all. You are taking verses out of context. That is a very common problem not only of the general population, but also ptsd. People feel that way, doesn't make it true. You desire... so do we all. The Bible also encourages us that we can heal from all things. Not that there won't be consequences, but there is healing to be found. So if nothing else, be encouraged that you are not hopeless or worthless.

Thank you for responding. I have been watching for you. I do care how you're doing and what your plans are. I would caution you to really search out and perhaps find someone - I have an amazing Christian therapist who specializes in trauma therapy and CBT. So I can have the balance of both if I choose to ask.

Take care of yourself.

 

[sonicwhite]

I have to leave where I'm living. Pretty getting kicked out. There is temptation like stealing my older roommates pain killers or just asking for some.


But yes I fear my problems will follow me. I um had a nightmare about my moms and my stepdad. Even tho I really don't know him and my trauma never really effected me in the sense that wulp Eric is a big trigger. So I know that even as a kid I got away with yrs of not worrying about bad dreams. He seems to be in a lot of them.


But, a lot of them have to do with other things also. Like a mashed up memories that get put here and there in my sleep. And I wake up with anxiety and my heart is pumping. So all in all. I know I have ptsd. I'm just in the beginning acceptance part and still in denial.

 

[Ronin]

Meth does interesting things to hearts long term.

So does anxiety. So does stress. So does gazillion things. If you're honestly worried about that? Scramble the money, get appointment with a cardiologist. Running won't solve health problems.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@sonicwhite that's one of the most personal and real things you've shared so far. Everything else is very real too.... but so this. Huge to put yourself out there.

Acknowledging and then accepting a mental health disorder is a really hard thing to.

 

[sonicwhite]

It's only when I feel convicted of wrongdoing and normal get your attention to do something good. But yes I wanted to know if meth played a role in my heart doing this.

By faith I chose to listen to Charles Stanley when he said conviction feels like static in the heart. Now at the time I took it as a literal thing. I went to church for the first time as a new born again child. I first felt it when I turned and saw the preachers grand daughter and looked away as not to lust since I was dealing with that which seems like a cake walk to wait I go through now.

I started to increase in faith. I started to feel this every time I got tempted to look at a woman and lust and trust me folks. Coming out of a very sexual relationship and doing meth at the time really screwed up my way I thought sex should be.

Boy am I glad for this. Even tho just getting checked out is good and normal. If I die because of it atleast the sting of death or the fear that it is something bad has never been there. I've only heard one other man that has the same thing and it was the Preacher. God loves to lavish His love on us and is that are most hard headed need a static like pinch in the heart like that.

Sometimes sin itself can effect a person so much that it numbs that conviction and I no longer am stopped by it. That's when Christ raises the bar and either sends you through hardship and even harder hardship. I've notice being in a house with temptation but not only that I'm vexed by the lifestyle in the home.

God says I will not let you be tempted more than you can handle and if you are tempted I will make a way of escape. God is delivering me from what this rotten body keeps doing. I told my roommate I have no control. It's like I have this body caste and it will not stop tempting me.

So I humbled myself, I cried. I mourned in my heart because of the home I'm living in and God is delivering me from the snare of the enemy. I want to do Gods will. Plain and simple. I want to be what I set out to be when I gave my life to Christ. Right now as it stands I have sin in my life which I'm entangled in and I'm scared. Every day it's a new fight to feel different. The more the day approaches where I leave, the more I feel delivered.

I'm afraid that I'm going to get some crappy conservative doctor who will not adjust what I'm on correctly but hey it's a gamble I have to play and trust the Lord that He knows what He's doing.

 

[sonicwhite]

I know I have some psychotic disorder. When I was dropping my risperdal to 2 mg and my truck got stolen I started to get very paranoid. Losing my marbles. Lining up one scenario to another.


Then I got it raised to four mg. I started to come out of it but would have spikes of the paranoia. Me and the docs agreee that I have depression major. The thing is I cannot control my urges with pharmies that tend to make me euphoric.



The docs are reluctant to treat the anxiety with something like Valium or Ativan. Instead I choose to let them give me lyrica which is four times more potent than gabapentin. I get a euphoric rush off them which I've tried but can't control my urges. Almost like a tic.


So while I have depression. I think that abusing medication is making my brain go up and down like shaking a can of soda.



What's weird is if I take kratom without gabapentin or lyrica I have zero nightmares as long as the kratom works. But it's def no cure. I'm downing a pound in a weeek when most times it would last a month.


I'm trying to focus. I have to get my head right before I leave. I fear and know I will go through some kinda detox. The worst choice I made was going back on gabapentin in 2012 because the doc thought klonopin was addictive. Ugh I hate this with a passion. I'm damned if I do and famines if I don't. I do not know how to conquer this.


My nightmares vex me inside. Their terrible, and shaking this can of soda is making me worse. I've already been through a massive psychosis and I don't need this wreckage anymore. Only I can change the course of my life. God inspires me. But He can move a parked car. Going to TN will be good but I don't want to fear I will have nightmares because I'm withdrawaling from klonopin and gabapentin plus lyrica. I hate the fear. And fear is the opposite of faith.



Idk what to do other than trust God. It's all I can do. I want to go to College and go into ministry. From there do great things. I'm hoping that on this rollarcoaster God has me on that finally things will fall into place. Oh how I hate dissiociation.

 

[Fadeaway]

Sonic, I think you are confusing a medical issue for something spiritual.